commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
How did I spend my afternoon? Oh, Google!stalking my old orchestra teacher and rocking back and forth on the couch over how much I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning.

LOL, nothing to see here, just a rerun of 'Alexandria Still Has A Giant Hero-Worship Crush On Someone Who Probably Has Forgotten Her Name' . )
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)

A sort-of response to "An Issue in Sherlock That Annoys Me and Why", which is an essay about gifted persons and emotion, with specific reference to the eponymous character in the BBC drama "Sherlock".

This is mostly just YES THIS with a large dose of WOW MY CHILDHOOD LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT encased in a few giant, run-on paragraphs. 

Also, let me just get modesty and such out of the way: labeling yourself as intelligent is such a Not Done thing (made even worse by societal expectations of women, but that's another rant), and I hate comparing/being compared to other people because I will always zoom in on the way(s) that I fall short, so this entire thing is extremely uncomfortable to write.  But if I keep apologizing every time I refer to the fact that I consider myself part of this group of Super Screwed-Up Super Gifted Super Freaks, it will be even more uncomfortable to read.  So.  Blanket "blah blah, I don't mean that other people are dumb, blah blah my self-worth on good days approaches that of a rock covered in toothpaste blah blah".

Read more... )

And okay, this has gotten too long and I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore because I'm kind of upset now, but blah.  There it is.  I'm not sure there's any meaning or even relevance in any of this wordvomit, but have some stories about me.

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I hate feeling stuck. Like I'm not being allowed to make any decisions for myself.

Roommate just backtracked on possibly getting rid of the cat we have that doesn't get along with anybody else. Like, no discussion.

She decides we don't get rid of the mean one that shits in the bathtub, she decides we have to get rid of my kittens, she decided I still can't put my treadmill in the garage because she was "eventually going to put [her] car in there" even though that's been her reason for three years and she's never done it, she decided she was going to spur of the moment get a dog (and then not train it for shit -- seriously, everything this dog knows is because of me; if it were up to her, she'd just let it hang around like a house ornament or something idk), and she decided I don't get to go home on my fucking vacation because I have to stay home and watch her animals.

I'm really tempted to just drive home as soon as my break starts. I'll take my kittens, maybe even the two grownup!kittens that I love to death (but that are still hers), and she can just deal. Figure it out herself.

I'm fucking tired of being told what to do.
commotiocordis: (Shoebox)
Facebook wants me to friend my best friend from high school.

You would not think this would be a hard decision.

It's just been so long and so much shit has happened (not between us, but individually) and the fact that we're not close anymore hurts so much, and it just feels like being friends on Facebook is such a worthless thing (especially because I know she won't really use it) that I don't want to even bother. I mean, if it's causing me this much grief just from a recommendation on the sidebar, what's it going to be like if I have to see what her life is like now, without me? I was supposed to be like her, happy and doing brilliantly at a top-tier school and with a bright future ahead, and . . . I'm not any of those things.

Our relationship was sort of bad for me at times, because rather than want to compete against her, I'd pull back in classes we shared so I didn't have to deal with the pressure. And I pretty much only had her, while she had some other friends, so I was much more dependent and sort of jealous a lot (but this is usually the case). But at the same time, she made me want to do better. Her opinion of me mattered like no other peer has ever mattered to me before, and I wanted her to be proud of me.

My memories of high school consist of mock trial, orchestra, my ~issues, and Katie. All of them fit into one of those categories. The problem is that senior year, most of them fit into category three, so when I went off to college, I was really distant from everybody. And then I started gaining weight and that was just sort of a symbol of how everything else was falling apart, and I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want to talk to her (or anyone else) because I was afraid they'd want to hang out, and I'd have to make up an excuse because I wanted their memories of me to be how I was near graduation: together, decent grades, a job, and skinny. Which means I hardly want anyone to see me now, when I've pretty much hit rock bottom on all of those things.

Also, there may or may not have been sort of an unrequited love thing going on. I didn't really realize it until years after we'd last seen each other, but I think I spent way too much time angsting over this girl for us to just have been friends, at least on my side of it. I mean, I wasn't sexually attracted to her, but it's definitely the most intense relationship I've ever had. I remember at one point discussing how I'd been planning on us moving in together during college and after, and talking about what we should name our dogs, and she was like "well, I always sort of assumed I'd get married after college" and I didn't speak to her the rest of the day because I was heartbroken. I mean, hello, giant flashing YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER sign right there. But, I mean, it wasn't love as most people would define it, I guess? It was just friendship that was . . . stronger. The if-you-are-blind-and-don't-see-the-subtext Xena/Gabrielle sort of relationship, you know? We actually compared ourselves to House and Wilson more than a few times -- I like diagnostics and puzzles and have the more blatant issues, she's better with people and everyone likes her and she was interested at one point in oncology. To be super melodramatic, I felt like she was the other half of my One Great True Pairing, the really forever BFFs, and now I've lost that, and . . . I mean, I feel like there's only one person in the world for you like that, and when that ends, what kind of hope do you have from there?

Idk. I'm not over her yet, apparently.

Despite not having eaten yet today, I'm going to go to bed now, I think. This is too much and now I'm super angsty and I want her to be my friend again but I just don't see how it could ever work out the way I want it to (I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of gal when it comes to my heart). I know that I would still die for her in an instant, and I don't want to have to think about the fact that she probably wouldn't do the same. THIS IS WHY WE DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS SOCIAL ATTACHMENT THING, SELF. YOU JUST SIT YOUR LITTLE SCHIZOID PERSONALITY OVER IN THE CORNER AND KNIT, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.
commotiocordis: (Jack/Ianto)
Post about ALEXANDRIA BEING SORT OF DRUNK and GOING TO A PARTY WHERE THERE WAS A REALLY HOT GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE A HOTTER DRACO MALFOY but the party was called "the Big Gay Bash" so you can guess how that (didn't) go to maybe follow if I ever actually write it.

For instant, because I need to squee somewhere, MY GAYDAR IS STILL AWESOME.

Lab partner last spring for 521 (whom I'd actually met in a class the year before, but didn't really remember besides vague recognition because I fail) whom I'd gotten to be pretty good friends with, name of Eric. First, thought he was gayyyyyyy (and thus sort of cute because I am broken). Then, we friended each other on Facebook, and he had "likes women" or whatever on there, so I was like "Oh. :?" But this summer, he'd sent me a few messages on FB with comments about my going to Adam Lambert, and if I'd gone to Lady Gaga, and how jealous he was, so I was all *marks him back in the probably!gay category*. And then he asked if I'd ever been to one of the gay clubs in town, so I was like *marks him in the almost definitely gay category*, but then I was kind of like "is this him telling me he's gay or is this him asking me if I am?".

CEMENTED. GAYYYYYY. Thanks to him hanging out with a friend from high school whom I followed to university (kind of literally--we were IMing a few years ago, and I was all "*angsts* idk where to go to school" and she was like "my school has good scholarships!" and I was like "ORLY? *googles* Ooh! *applies* *receives good scholarship* *attends*") at a gay bar and telling her that he's into boys. Hilarious, actually. Somehow, she (ETA: I'm totally talking about [profile] saturn_hime, but forgot we were friends on here because I use it so rarely, sadface) was talking about Merlin and Arthur, two of our kittens, and mentioned my name, and he was like "Alexandria, as in [blah]?" and somehow she remembered me talking about the story of this boy whom I thought was gay and liked, and then found out was straight and was less interested, and then thought was gay again, and tweets at me about it!

And then there is talking, and making of plans for lunch together (meaning with she and he and [profile] bleakone because I'm lost without my blogger her), and now me dragging my ass to bed so I can mow the reallyreallyreallyneedsit (well, in about a 1.5 x 3 foot square in the front that actually gets sun) lawn before it's OVER NINE THOUSAND degrees outside.

. . . half an hour later

Seriously. Bed. I does it. (...maybe. In the middle of rereading some AWESOME canon!Holmes fic that I need to rec on fuckyeahslashrecs afuckingsap--there's this section of blatant orchestral music!erotica that I swear gets me hotter than anything ever in the history of me reading gay porn, because I do perceive music as this transcendent, makes-me-more-emotional-than-anything-ever force just like they [and others often] depict Sherlock doing in this piece.)

ETA: This isn't the Draco Malfoyiest (or the cutest, tbh) picture of Draco Malfoy hotgayboy, but HE'S HOLDING A BROOM. CONCLUSION: WIZARD.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Adam Lambert concert in Springfield, MO. Be prepared for flail. It's way TL;DR, so THE HIGHLIGHTS ARE IN GLITTERTEXT, OMFG.

So, the counter protest of the WBC wasn't really organized, per se. I'd been looking at the WBC schedule a lot because I secretly hoped for an excuse to counter-protest to show Adam that Springfield isn't some podunk bible belt town. Boom, a few days ago it showed up. (Sneaky, only putting it on at the last minute.) Much Twitter discussion going on spread the word sort of virally through the Springfield and some of the Glam Nation folks, someone made a Facebook event, and someone else who apparently had FB friended the entire freaking town invited practically a million people. College kids like to party, which is basically what this was, LOL.

WBC was scared off and never showed up, even though the sketchy media accounts beforehand only vaguely mentioned that a counter protest would happen, not our numbers (which should have scared them off). I checked the morning of the show and it was up to 200, JFC, and though I didn't expect it to be anywhere near that number because of no-shows or people RSVPing that they'd be there in spirit or some such, it definitely was around that at its peak (as can be seen in numerous vids and pics and such).

ETA: Forgot to mention. My ears have been opened to the truth that is vuvuzelas are required for protesting. Ours needed more, though, because droning is more awesome the louder it gets. Also, we got water balloons thrown at us (by a jerkwad, not a legitimate opponent) from a car, and then said car got pulled over for it like 30 feet down the road by a cop on a bicycle. Hells to the yeah.

Adam came over around 8:15 or so, so many had already filed inside or away (since the protest was only scheduled to last until 8). I kid you not, 99% of the people still there (as they were mostly the ones not going to the concert) did not know who he was. But I kind of started flailing and threw out a JESUS FUCK or two of excitement, which started tipping people off.

And I think partially because I was one of the few visibly recognizing him, partially because [ profile] bleakone and I were sufficiently glittered that he could tell we were coming to the show, partially because we had the most awesome posters ever (haha, but I think it's true--they were his lyrics, so perhaps he was partial to them for that reason)


(Like, we were more or less in the middle of the crowd, and yet...) And then he asked "Any other not-ignorant people?" (or some such, exact words escape me a bit because I was flailing to death), which means HE LIKED IT OMFG LIFE IS VALIDATED. Words came out of his mouth and they sounded like rainbows and glitter. [ profile] bleakone can verify, I was totally freaking out (in a fairly quiet way, but with mild hyperventilation not aided by the omnipresent glittered corset).

He signed just a few more things, we hung out outside for a bit more, then went in to catch the end of Iraheta's stuff and play in the crowd while waiting for Adam. Now, I've watched a lot of YouTube vids and, erm, more immediate video and such of the concerts. I can easily say that of every concert I've been to/seen, we were having the most fun. There was (out of order because I'm just typing since it's 5:15am and I'm still so fucking high from this) a giant beachball being hit around that was removed by security only to be given back to us when we booed, one of our friends discoing to "Staying Alive" with a drag queen up on the mezzanine to the applause of all, a giant chorus of "Don't Stop Believing", and people blowing up balloons and letting them go so they shot up into the air and flew around our heads. I loved it and loved you all and you should all look me up on Twitter, because we were awesome. Also around this time, decided that Tommy was definitely there (we had assumed probably not) from his basses being on stage, which naturally prompted a round of flailing.

Then Adam. Where do I fucking start? Boy was on form. (Which I'm going to blame on we counter-protesters and accept all credit for.) He was feisty and into it sfm. Tons of improv vocals, new dance movies (boy can moonwalk, goddamn)

and his "SUCK IT, WESTBORO" immediately after (so I accept credit for particularly that on behalf of our gang, LOL). Fever was the only kiss; I think we were just still flailing during other songs, but there was a metric fuckton of his signature hip-level handwanking and crotch smacking and probably, idk,
We got both MW and a long WLL. You could tell he was enjoying it right from the beginning, and that made it such an amazing show (case in point--I got out most of my Kansas City flail on Twitter. This is so TL;DR because I CAN'T FUCKING STOP SMILING).

Side note: AWESOME ACOUSTICS, as expected. One downside, if anyone else goes here, is that the floor under the seats is slanted and . . . idk, made of something slick. I was rocking 6-inch stripper heels. JFC, it was hard to dance. Had to brace my thighs against the seat in front, LOL. (Because I was dancing anyway, obviously. :D)

Afterwards, Tommy and Monte and LP slooooowly walked the. entire. line. of people signing and such. Those men are so beautiful. LP kept walking around the buses and such, doing things (idk) and we'd cheer every time he came out until the point where he'd pause and turn around and wait for it, LOLOL. And Tommy making all of us thirsty people soooo jealous talking about his "apple juice" right in front of me ("What are you drinking?" "Apple juice." "Really?" "*pshhh* No.") and Liz Hill being adorable and signing stuff actually to people, asking their names (I was too far back by the time she came around, sadface, though I asked if she wanted to come riding in St. Louis and she said OMGYESWHERE! But [ profile] bleakone's horses would have been too far out of the city probably for her to trek to on a show day).

SO NOW EVERYBODY (but Cam--idk, she didn't come out) HAS SIGNED OUR POSTER. NEEDS FRAMED AFUCKINGSAP. Ages later, Adam showed up and did a quick run through, while I and a couple of of our fellow signagers (including aforementioned discoing friend) held up our signs in the background for the ambiance (later, after Adam had moved and the mob thus also shifted, Sutan came over and checked them out as well!), and we kept rocking the signage as the buses pulled away while folks (yay, awesome bus drivers) waved out the windows and honked and such.

So basically, got to protest, got recognized for said protesting by Adam Motherfucking Lambert, there were pretty boys and

and a whole lot of lewd dancing, and possibly the best audience in the history of shows, and [ profile] bleakone and I ended up hanging out with aforementioned fellow holding-up-at-buses-signagers just on the grass in that area for probably two hours and made friends, which is always fun.

Basically, I think the best part of the whole deal is that people usually think (I included, most of the time, since I came down here for school from St. Louis) that Springfield is this bible belt backwater, but we pretty much showed everybody that


(Click for the big version, and pardon our ridiculously posyness -- only so much you can do when balancing a camera on 6 books and a container of dog food atop a cat tower.)

[ profile] bleakone's left, I'm right. So, the top poster with the rainbow is the one everybody signed since nobody had silver Sharpies (totally meant to bring one!) and the one that took us the most time printing out the letters and cutting them out individually to make them stencils and then painting and then touchupping, etc. We're science majors and perfectionists with not a scrap of artistic talent, ergo it taking us something like 10 hours to get decently happy with it.

I really like how the bottom one came out all srs bsns (intentionally) because I've thought forever that this line is totally applicable to respond to the hateslew.

Closeup of the rainbow one with all signatures and such!

Pardon the shitty pictures on these last two; done with my phone just now (12:30pm day after show still having not gone to sleep, LOL) while I was too lazy to turn on a light.

Third sign we didn't actually bring up there since we got there late and were in a hurry; didn't want to juggle three, etc. It's just fun, from a tweet of Adam's from ages ago.

And the shirts we made for protesting! I've got to try to see if I can fix the fact that it decided to wrinkle really badly over my right boob, because the iron-on stuff was cheap and fail, but I've wanted to make a shirt with this on it for ages because it's such an important message (and also, for all you nerds out there, a Doctor Who reference!). Didn't actually end up wearing these either, because we wanted to be able to go right into the concert without having to change/throw them back in the car/whatever, but I'm wearing mine today!

(Also, I really, really wanted to make a "Fags are sexy beasts" sign, but I didn't know how Adam felt about that word, you know? Apparently I would have been golden, so totes making it next time, XDDDDD.)
commotiocordis: (carmen)
The basics. I wanted to make myself an arc reactor for mah chest, but didn't get a chance to find the lights I wanted to use, *sadface*. Dressed up like Natalia/Natalie/Black Widow instead, by which I mean I wore almost exactly what I would have otherwise worn (though it was kind of a cross between Natalie and Black Widow, because I was going to wear sort of tight fitting long sleeved/pants stuff like her BW costume, but it was going to be hot, so I pulled out the black skirt and fishnets instead). PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, so [ profile] bleakone and I worked on our balancing the camera on the cat tower technique and got some.

ETA: Not-hilariously enough, I managed to have this computer bluescreen with one of those extortion viruses (a fake virus scanner pops up and won't let you open any programs, saying they've been infected) some 4 times between when I wrote most of this out and had to scramble to try and find it (as I'm writing it right in Semagic to post). When you open in safe mode, the automatically saved draft isn't there--Semagic can't find it, and if you go into the folder where the drafts are normally saved, you can't see it there either, but after a few reboots and one finally into normal mode, it came back! I thought it was totally lost, and there was no way I was writing it all up again because most of the desire to gush about a movie is sated by the typing, whether people read it or not, so yay!

So, I wanted to go to the IM1 IM2 double feature, but wasn't planning on it because it cost the same as my entire family is going to pay to go see IM2 on Saturday at the mall theatre and I had these three papers to write (down to just the one by now, though, thankfully) before the morning. But I was very, very pleased with having (I'm 85% sure) resolved the computer system not dropping my chem class issue (their system went down right after I did it, and I think they maybe restored from a recent backup or something and somehow lost that I put through the drop) that was otherwise going to drive me to suicide because I was so fucking angry with going to fail a class just because I quit going after I DROPPED IT.

Anyway, we went for the 9:30/12 back to back Iron Man 1 and Iron Man 2 show.

"They say that the best weapon is the one you never have to fire. I respectfully disagree. I prefer the weapon you only have to fire *once*."

Spoilers and stuff. And gushing over how I have a massive girl!hard-on for Tony Stark. )

Overall? <3. Awesome. Hurt me a little to pay $16 for a movie that was already bootlegged out on the internet and another movie that I had on DVD, but it was great. Spectacular action fun, Rubber Ducky Junior being flooringly cool, tons of humor, good music, terrific.

Only minimally resized me picspam. )
commotiocordis: (butterfly)
In other news, aunt of a friend of mine got murdered in what looks so far to be a random attack (ETA: though, unfortunately, "the sexual-minority task force has taken a particular interest"). Not only that, she died after fighting the guy off long enough for her partner who had already been stabbed (and whom she was making plans to marry in September) to get out. They both eventually managed to make it out, but she died in the street in her girlfriend's arms.

Every interaction I've had with their family has shown me that they're some really loving people--Jenny, who was in my high school Spanish classes and now goes to the same uni as I (though I've never seen her down there), is one of the nicest people I know (and I'm not just saying that--I really can't come up with anyone I know that's nicer to everyone off of the top of my head)--so this is really tragic.

So, Teresa Butz, this one's for you. Way to kick ass, girl. If I ever, god forbid, go out like that, I should only wish that I'd be able to at least do it so the news people can lead in with "she died saving the love of her life," like they are for you.

FYI, she's sister of Norbert Leo Butz, if you follow the musical scene at all (OBC Wicked's Fiyero) and of Jim Butz of my Shakespeare Festival "Spot the Butz" fame (though, you know, that's just me). Pretty big St. Louis family (11 siblings in her generation, LOL), so this is fairly big both in Seattle, where it happened (also where NLB was rehearsing a summer show, the opening two nights of which have now been canceled) and down here.
commotiocordis: (carmen)
"It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick." Matthew 9:12

Umm, duh? I hope that's a misquote or something, because otherwise I can't get it to make sense. I do want to incorperate it into some deep, introspective, character study type of House fic, though.

On a completely unrelated note (I forgot that I had jotted down the above in here earlier to remember), I HAS PRESENT. For [ profile] bleakone. And because I needed an excuse to reinstall Photoshop on this machine. Happy sort of half birthday (I started it on the day, therefore it totally counts; also, it's still the 4th in parts of the continental US even, so I win). I'm also not mentioning it, because I want to see how long it takes/if you find it, just for fun. Because it's more of a surprise that way.

It's more colorweird than I would like, but considering I pulled it off of Youtube, I think I managed to fix up the quality of the colors and such pretty nicely, comparatively speaking. Because Youtube rippers evidently are epic fail. My amazing lip-reading skills to the rescue, though; somehow when I was saving it and converting it around between file formats a few times (I had a video-to-gif thing I wanted to try, but it turns out it watermarks it all up, so I went back to the brute force screencapping + photoshop way making it turn out that any and all converting was unnecessary), the audio got ripped off of the clip, so I had to find the spot by watching Jared's mouth.

Anyway. It's uploaded in my scrapbook on here, so you should be able to pull it off to put it in your userpics, should you so desire (and I hope so, as I'd feel sort of odd using it myself since it's not one of my fandoms. Yet).

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Just testing out the "post from email" option.  For the third time, as it's not liking me.  Perhaps it's on a lag, and because I just set it up a few hours ago it takes a while for LJ to acknowledge that this email is an accepted post-from venue.  Or they're all backed up in LJ and will all post at once.  Either way, some three-plus copies of this will probably show up at some point, LOL.

Third time failed, and thus we're posting from Semagic as usual. Don't know why that's not working, but the above reasons are probably at least part.

So, Psych on Friday? Not a fan. Really just wasn't very funny, IMO. The whole Lassiter scene was quite touching, but we'd all called it from the very beginning and his lovey speech didn't really fit with the overall tone of the show. I kept asking myself where the joke was.

Did not get to watch Dollhouse, but my worries from the beginning about how it didn't sound that good are being reinforced by the vague reviews I'm hearing from others that did see it. Showed Dr. Horrible to the mother yesterday, who enjoyed it quite a bit (though she wasn't crazy about how it just ended), so weekend Joss fix = accomplished.

I'm at home atm for the long weekend. I should be leaving around 4 tomorrow to get back for a mock trial meeting Monday night, but I don't think that's happening, as BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY IS COMING TO SPEAK HERE. And since he's kinda one of my favorite guys of all time (you should hear me quote things like "Science rules" or burst into giggle fits anytime anyone says "Consider the following"), it wins. Must come up with a good excuse for not being able to come to MT, though I really shouldn't have to as I could make every single other meeting we've ever even proposed having. Still not looking forward to that in general. I'm sticking with the distancing myself plan, as then I can resist taking over and rewriting everyone's everything and can brush it off when since I didn't rewrite stuff, we get our asses kicked in two weeks.

Had lobster for the first time yesterday. Yum. It wasn't even good lobster (so says my dad; naturally I have no comparison), but I'm a huge fan of the richness (which is actually what Dad says was lacking in this one, so I can't wait to taste a good one). And scallops, though I think I've tasted them before. Fan of both, but the lobster more; I liked the scallop but it wasn't really anything new, delicious but not different from other seafoods like the lobster was in its richness. That's what my parents did for Valentine's Day, LOL, Dad bought lobster and Mom bought scallops and they cooked them up just in the kitchen and ate them at the table. I'd make a recession joke, but that's always what they've done, really, because they like homemade food. I trust nobody noticed my switching to my ancient, made because of a challenge I misread the rules for and so never actually entered it into, Valentine's NCIS icon, which was my only concession to the day.

[[There was at one point a whole huge thing here that I went back and added after finishing the rest of the post where I segued into Valentine's Day being my paternal grandmother's birthday and the whole situation with her and my dad and her health and such, but it became too long for this post and not the right attitude to then jump back to my sister being a socialite, so that will come in a separate post.]]

My sister is quite the social animal, I'm realizing. I mean, I knew that, but sort of forgot as with other people's vacations and such there wasn't much of it over Christmas. I come home Friday and she's having a Friday the 13th party with some 5 preteen girls (interestingly enough, two-maybe-three of whom have parents who teach in our school district; one of them math at the high school who actually recognized me despite my not ever having him nor spending more than one hour a day in the math building and none last year nor even ever having a conversation with the man, I don't think, which was somewhat weirding, though less so as he was quite nice). She spent Saturday afternoon out somewhere, and spent today making plans for people to go with her to BILL NYE OMG tomorrow. I mentioned to Mom, "Aren't you glad that you managed to skip this with your first two?" She responded with an emphatic yes.

I'm kind of jealous, though. Not of the socialization, as I tend to find that tiring, but idk, of the happiness she gleans from it? I do remember a time in elementary school when I loved going to parties and such, but it seems like people don't just get together and have fun just for the sake of it anymore. Since. . . hell, probably 8th grade, there was either a reason (a birthday or event) or (usually 'and') alcohol involved. Since none of my friends drank (most not at all, and never around me), it was like we didn't have that reason to get together that "mainstream teenagers" did, so we just didn't.

Or maybe they did all through high school and just didn't invite me. Tis a distinct possibility, as it's pretty easy to admit that Katie was the only person I was really close to. Which is why it really sucks that we aren't really talking anymore. I made some reference to something we used to do, one of our many collective quirks, and Mom asked if I'd talked to her recently, and I sort of scoffed and said no. Mom was like "What, are you mad at each other or something?" and I was really sort of idk, proud that I was able to say "Well, I am, idk about her." Because you know what? I am pissed that I made an effort to stay in touch and I wasn't getting any help with it, and I'm damn well allowed to be (/part of Alexandria's "not everything is your fault, Ms. Self Esteem Fail" campaign). She was always the more social of our pair, so she knows that my making the effort was an especial stretch for me, and yet I haven't heard from her since probably September. Mom says that she and my Aunt Beth didn't talk for most of college, and yet got back together enough that she's my godmother (though idk how much they've talked beyond notes in Christmas cards in the last few years).

And in completely different news, I'm pissed off that my dad/I didn't go ahead and buy NFL swag off of this Fox Sports website that was having this killer sale, as sometime today the sale died. It was killer. $2.50 hats, $7 shirts, $12 jerseys? We're talking easily 75% off. I would have worn Denver stuff every day (and actually bought a coat that fit me--as much as I lovelovelove my Denver Broncos coat, a good part because it was my Dad's and is huge and comfortable and you can settle down in it for the winter, because it was my dad's and is huge it doesn't trap body heat especially well when the wind blows like it does in Springfield because there's just too much air between you and it to try to keep warm under the bitter onslaught.

Figured out in a burst of figureoutedness (finding the word I want fail) that the headaches I've had all weekend are from caffeine withdrawal, LOLOL. At school, I've got a glass of soda (invariably at least 18oz, usually closer to 24+) with both lunch and dinner every day, unless I'm trying to be good and abstain, which usually lasts all of a day at most. Come here, and practically nothing. I was really pleasantly surprised that taking a Tylenol worked, though; I've got it in my head that NSAIDs don't work on me, which I think is the case because I take them so rarely, usually only when I'm actually in the midst of a full-out illness (and usually not even then unless I've got to suck it up to make it through school, as I'm of the mind to try to fever things done with quicker), so they can't relieve all the sick. When it was just a medium-strength headache and I grabbed some just because they were right next to me and I figured what the hell (and also "oh god, oh god, please do not be the beginnings of a migraine" as I've had surprisingly few lately *knock on everything solid within reach* and feel like I'm due), Tylenol could do it.

I really want a soda, LOL. Or anything, I suppose, but there's an empty can of Diet Coke over near me and the caffeine monster WANTS THAT and not the lukewarm last bits of a water bottle next to it.

/test of the emergency broadcast system email posting. Chances are this will have to be cleaned up as idk if it will handle coding or anything, but I'm hopeful. Could be handy, as I tend to log in to my email on any computer I'm on for more than a few minutes (in a computer lab or something), but logging into LJ is rarer and that extra step is a deterrent from posting. Though the fact that oddly, the Firefox built in spellcheck doesn't appear to be working right now is similarly a deterrent. Idk what's up there.
commotiocordis: (carmen)
Still no internets. In the basement computer lab atm. Might hit up some random stores just to have something to do. It's kind of depressing here, frankly, in that though normally I'd be fine engrossed in my computer, everybody's parents came down for the weekend and I'm all post-just having to go back to school (I could have gone back with [ profile] bleakone this weekend, but I didn't think it was worth fighting my overwhelming school anxiety to pull myself back here after only being gone a week) and menstrual and all low-self-esteemed and my computer's being an utter whore, so I'm wallowing a bit.

The computer? *#)(*$(#@!!. I don't know what its freaking problem is. The interwebs, fine. Those are working only off and on. But the freezing and slow running and near-constant hangups are getting worse and worse. The screen brightness won't change and is stuck at dull (which is a Vista control problem). Plus, the godsdamned warranty repair people still haven't gotten back to me. I'm going to call and tell them that by god, if they don't answer inquiries from their website sent IN THE MANNER THAT THEY SPECIFY IS PREFERRED, they sure as hell better hope that I don't write a letter to Toshiba and ask that they be taken off the approved warranty repair center list. In fact, come to think of it, I might do that anyway.

Speaking of writing letters, I've been using my gym membership from home to get into the gym here, right? Because they told us ([ profile] bleakone and I) that I could, and then used that to sell [ profile] bleakone a membership there. Lo and behold, we talk to somebody else when my temporary card runs out and it turns out the girl that did the selling didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, and I could only use my Club Fitness membership for a month (since it's a monthly contract thing) and would have to then buy into their contract (the minimum term for which is longer than I hope to be down here, I think) at some more than double the price per month. WTF. If we had known this, there would have been some considerable rethinking before [ profile] bleakone bought hers, as the major selling point (that the chick used to hawk the thing) was that we could both work out there. Does that not seem like a bait-and-switch out the wazoo?

I can't even describe how pissed off I was. Now, when I need the thing more than ever (the inexplicable weight gain has continued no matter what I do to try and stop it--it's to the doctor next because I'm starting to wonder about hypothyroidism as I've had those symptoms before and it matches up), I'm essentially stranded. Especially during the winter, you're waiting an hour in the gym at school for a treadmill because there are maybe 6 total in the entire sports facility (which is nothing to speak of) which has very restricted hours anyway; there's a stairmaster in the basement that I can get into anytime, but blech. This also means that there's really no reason to keep up my membership at home, but then what will I do when I go home? There was talk at one point when I was first leaving about setting it up so I was just billed for the days I'd be on break at the proportion of my monthly fee at Club Fitness, but then they decided it was too hard. I'd like to try to get them to do that, but I'm not sure if I'd need to mess with corporate (prolly, as they do the actual billing) or go through the people that I know, the latter meaning a better chance of success.

There's a VIP membership level thing that lets you bring friends as much as you want at the Ozark Fitness here that [ profile] bleakone might switch up to if it's as cheap to do so as I remember, and that would cover me down here since we drive together anyway and are going to try to find an apartment together for next year. But the "switch up to VIP for free" promotion is over, apparently, and when she asked one of the receptionists it was indicated that that would require a rewriting of the contract. What I really want to do is march up there and put all this to them; how she was sold the membership under mistaken/false pretenses and therefore they really should release her from the contract without penalty, but with a contractual membership place like this they don't give a damn about customer satisfaction because you're already paying them the money, so they could just say "to hell with you" and keep on billing.

But the combination of that and the daily billing at CF would work well. Problem is setting it all up, which is a lot of naggling and conversations (the CF ones all having to be done either through my father or over the phone, the former being difficult because he's kinda gymgoing!fail and the latter being difficult because OMGphonehate) and in the meantime, a lot of long boring stairmastering (at least the workout room in the basement of my dorm with the stair thing has a TV up close to the machine; the fitness center has TVs all the way across the room that you can't hear that are never on anything I want to watch anyway).

Not sure when I'm going places--prolly in the nowish time zone, as I've got to go work out (I've got [ profile] bleakone's pass to use the gym of customer service fail atm since she went home and is a goddess like that) and don't really want to make two trips. IH all these time restrictions--gym closes at 8, which means I've got to leave by 6:15 or so, which means I wouldn't get dinner because the dining center has shitty hours on the weekend (5-7, and being used to eating dinner anywhere from 7-12 I'm physically incapable of eating at 5), so I've got to go exercise now, but there's nothing on TV. *whine*

Oh, and the roommate's boyfriend is staying the night in our room. Not that there will be sexing or anything (I highly, highly doubt it), but just AWKWARD LIEK WOAH. And [ profile] bleakone's not even here for me to go camp on her floor. Does not want.
commotiocordis: (QPicard)
Re: Vice Presidents.

I think I like Biden more than Obama. In fact, voting record-wise, I'm sure I do. I was sort of *waggles hand* "eh" about Obama--I wouldn't have voted for McCain, but Obama's inexperience didn't fire me up. Biden does. VAWA was one of my huge things in Amnesty. Plus, he votes for the partial birth abortion ban (with the standard rape/incest/health exceptions) but to preserve other abortion rights, which is a position I share.

And McCain was damn smart picking a young woman to be VP. Damn smart. I was talking with Chelsea about how, should McCain be elected and especially should he be re-elected for 8 years, chances are good that he'll die in office. That sounds either morbid or creepifying, but statistically, looking at his age, it's true. And then we'd have a woman in office, which would be amazing. Of course, (and I haven't looked her record up yet, but I'm assuming by party affiliation) she'll probably manage to set back feminism by leaps and bounds though her facist politics, but still.

[ profile] bleakone's gone back home, which sucks, because we're fandom swapping, and the gaytastic Enterprise episode "Shuttlepod One" is on right now. In the midst of a whole marathon of viewers' choice episodes. And on that note, here's a letter.

Dear viewers who voted for these episodes,
What the crap? The 4pm episode was "These are the Voyages. . . "? Which of you morons voted for that one? That was the single worst finale episode of any Star Trek series ever. Including TOS, which didn't even get a finale! *shakes head* But good choice with "Shuttlepod One". I approve.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I'm just so done with this whole Shakespeare birthday thing. Whatever. Screw it. I don't give a damn whether you've got something else to do or not (though, erm, since the other parties that are poaching my people aren't so much time sensitive--Shakespeare ends at the end of this week--as worthless excuses to get drunk, maybe a little damnage given), but will you fucking tell me and not just let me sit here checking my mail every 10 minutes over the past week or so so that I can figure out if I need to pack a whole bunch of shit and drive downtown (either waiting for you at my house to carpool or not, another thing I was supposed to be told) and otherwise upend my entire daily schedule for a birthday party that it appears that nobody cares about going to.

The number of people who have decided to just ignore me rather than RSVP with a negative because they've already said that they'll go to one of aforementioned (presumably) drunken parties is really goddamned frustrating, because I've sent out. . . at least 4 emails by now, all trying to work this schedule thing out, finally offering to go two days so people could show up to one or the other, and I still have heard back from all of 3 people (out of maybe 15) as of 30 seconds ago. Again, I don't care if you want to go do something else (*lies* Kay, there's a certain amount of miffage because it's my fucking birthday party, and you'd think that maybe it'd be worth shifting your schedule a tiny bit), but I can't do anything else until I figure out if a bunch of people are going to show up at my house at 4:30 or not, so if you could drop me a line? Kthx.

Now I've got to decide when I'm going to the gym, because it's got to be earlier than the Shagspeare due to above fiasconess and earlier enough that I've got time to grab food and games and such to drag down there (though with the potential for only one person, not like that'll be hard) but I so don't feel like going yet as I'm tired and afraid that I'm getting sick (cursed gland swellage and headaches that I thought were allergies yesterday aren't going away). *sigh*
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)


Idk why I had it in my head that it was next Monday, so fail there.

But yes. You're such a wonderful person that you deserve this year (and, you know, forever) to be thirty times as good as the last.

And one of these days, I actually will get around to posting your gift. I swear. It might be closer to my birthday than yours, but still.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)

*cuddles package*

That is all.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
LOL, it's like the evil friends meme, except it's mostly a few bits about people you don't know because I don't have enough LJ friends to make it difficult with you by yourselves.

Not as angst filled as wotchered's because prolly nobody's going to read this one. )
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person because I get fiercely, fiercely jealous occasionally. Mostly over friends. Idk. Jealous/depressed, I guess. It seems like crazy, stupid elementary school behavior, but if I think/find out that somebody doesn't like me as much as I like them, I sort of shut down. One of those "you're not your best friend's best friend" things. That situation seems to happen to me a lot. That's almost definitely my fault, though, because I get v. v. attached and devoted to my friends. The problem is that most of me says that that shouldn't be a bad thing, but the rest points out how often and how hard I end up getting hurt by it.
commotiocordis: (QPicard)
Worked at the Earth Day festival today. Twas fun. I did the kids' art booth thing, so it was all cutting ribbon (because the kiddy scissors sucked, but we couldn't very well leave out the sharp ones when there were really little kids there) and helping them find things and refilling glue trays and handing out cardboard bases. It's a pretty wicked thing that they do, just letting the kids play around and make whatever they want. I would have loved to have the time to sit down and make something up myself because there were 90 bazillion different types of junk there to mess with. But we didn't have the tent cover thing that there was two years ago, so it was 3 hours standing in the sun. My hips were screaming by the end of my timeslot.

But I got lunch there, which was pretty good, though the people weren't going to give it to me at first. The volunteers get this thing for $5 at any of the food booths, so I wait in line and get up to the front of this place and they tell me they don't take those. Umm, it specifically says on there that it's good at any booth. So I got their booth number and went up to the volunteer/information booth and asked them if there were some that took it and some that didn't, because I didn't want to waste time waiting in line again to find out the same thing somewhere else. They told me that they had to take it, so I went back there and made them give me food. Twas pretty good too. Expensive, but good. Walked around a bit after that, wasn't anything really impressive there this year IMO (though I missed most of the show type things, which might have been good. I really wanted to do Tai Chi with the people, but everybody that was doing it was doing crazy fast complicated two person maneuvers that they all seemed to already know), saw Carol (a friend of ours), hung around a little bit waiting for her daughters and grandbaby to come back (because Isaiah is tres adorable) but then left because everybody else was already waiting by the car. (But then it turned out that they weren't by the time we got there, so then we waited in the car for a bit.)

But evidently I'm not so good with the sunscreen application. It was pretty old sunscreen anyway, so it didn't work well and now I'm disgustingly tanish even though I put it on a bazillion times, but I also missed about 2.5 inches right before my wrist on both arms and so that area and another 2.5 or so inches of my hand right below that are horrendously red. It makes me laugh because it's two really defined rectangles on my right arm because my watch was in the middle. The left isn't burned as badly, but there's still the white spot along my wrist where my bracelet was. That and the back of my neck because I had my hair down when I was sunscreening (and so didn't cover it), but the wind was bad so it ended up being in a ponytail for most of the time. Still. I didn't know you had to sunscreen your hands. (Tells you how much I go out in the sun, no?)

The sun screws me up like whoa, though. I've never been able to figure out why, but every time I'm out there for more than a while, I get really sick. And I've gone over everything; I wasn't dehydrated, I wasn't over-hydrated, it wasn't too hot, and yet I'm sick just like if I were. I've never really thought about it before, but I wonder if subconscious avoidance of that sick feeling is why I abhor the sun? Because I can remember the same thing happening every time I am outside long enough.

And just now I was looking at my friends' page and went "Hmm. Didn't I already read that fic?" I then figured that the person just crossposted it to another community or something and that's why I was seeing it again. Then I scrolled down and found the picture of [ profile] thenaughtydingo she posted a while back and was a bit confused. For some reason, the latest entry on my flist was April 8. Oddness. Looked at my computer clock: March 21. Perhaps the problem lies therein? Oui, tis fixed. I dunno who's been playing around with the time on the computer.

Burned a sponge today. It smelled all moldy and I asked my dad if I could pitch it, and he said to throw it in the microwave so it would dry out and kill the germs or whatever. Evidently, he didn't mean for 3 minutes. I come walking back in from the back of the house and am all "Man, now the whole house smells like sponge." Twas because it was on fire. Not like huge flames, but smoking and burning all the same. The smell didn't really become burnt sponge until dad grabbed it out and threw it in the sink. So in my trashcan in the kitchen at this moment are a blackened ex-purple ex-sponge and a paper plate with a large burn hole in the middle. That was fun.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Oh. And stuff that is just random and not related at all to anything and some of which is quite possibly too much information. Being on the subject of dreams.

I've been having dreams lately. Usually I don't have them except for very rarely, and I've gotten 4 in just like two weeks. And they're odd. Some of them have been, for lack of a better word, sex dreams. Which is interesting. Only one of them, the one about a week or two ago, was actually all with the explicit sexing that I can remember (but then it turned out that that was really just a plot device for the rest of the dream, being that my mum found out and refused to ever let me stay home from school again because she figured that was what I was doing when I was home alone), but it was freaking threesome sex. Weirdness. Het-ish, too. Not so much me with the het, as I was more over the other chick in the few short seconds of actual sexing I can remember, but the chick was all with the shagging of Charlie, from Numb3rs. Who's cute, I admit. I'd probably do him. Still. Kinda my first dream that had actual explicit sexing (I can only remember like a 3 second flash of it) in it, which is interesting.

Then there was the one where there was a play being put on, but I wasn't in it, and it was somewhere weird, not any kind of place/stage/location that I could identify. The situation (not the play, but all the actors and where we were) had a lot to do with the military, and there was a tone of me being the doctor who shouldn't really be out in the field with them (if it was so dangerous that I needed protected, why they were putting on a play I don't know) because there were enemies about or some such. But both the director type of the play and my self-assigned protector was totally Kara Thrace, from Battlestar Galactica (yeah, TV people show up a lot in my dreams. I had watched the season 3 bloopers again that night just for fun, which I assume was the reason it was her). And there was obvious sexual tension between Kara and I. I don't remember if it was a we're obviously going to get together thing or a we're already together thing, but it was nice. I remember that she made me feel protected and such. Which was nice.

And then there was the other one the same night (actually, morning, after I went back to sleep after waking up at like 5:30) that was also quite odd. It was elevator weirdness. There were creepy/odd lift malfunctions going up and down some building. And there was more threesome sex, but it was completely implied, I think (I don't have any memory of explicitness like I do in the Numbers one) and all women, one of whom was Abby Lockhart from ER. And I got the impression that it was a bit hurt/comfort sex, that Abby was angsting for some reason and (I'm pretty sure that I knew the other one was Susan Lewis, from the same show, but it really didn't look like her very much) Susan was a bit also, but not as much, and we were all sort of *deangsts each other through elevator sexing*. And I don't know if I'm combining this with another weird elevator dream (they seem to be in my dreams a lot, and nearly always screwing up in some capacity) but just as I was typing this I got this memoryflash thing of one of the floors the lift went to that was towards the bottom of whatever building and had some big sunken in/in ground/whatever it's called hot tub thing (though large enough to be a small swimming pool and could be used as such). But I seem to think that's from a different time. I don't remember anything else for definite about the h/c elevator one from Monday morning except that that the lift acted all funny, particularly loosing gravity at some point. Which was odd.

I just realized that I said I'd talk more about my muppet dream from a few weeks ago, and never did. Might as well make this a compendium dream post. This was on the Sunday night, I believe, before my theatre performance. It was a musical, in the beginning, of sorts, in the style of BtVS's "Once More With Feeling" rather than a real stage musical. There was a muppet female in a military dress uniform (I don't remember noticing what branch) and she was singing with Doug, who is in my bio class (and various other classes in years past). They were in love, and she was being deployed to Iraq and was all sad. I remember one of her lines was something like "I'm an officer, they shouldn't have to rip me away from you," because she was all not with the wanting to go because of love, but duty, country, yadda yadda and she had to. But that was in like the hallway of the mall right outside a bookstore. They're still outside working stuff out, Doug and the muppet (whom I originally decided to call Zoe, even though she didn't look like the Zoe on Sesame Street, because that's the name that popped into my head when trying to describe her, but in retrospect, she looked more like Rosita), and I go into the bookstore and see my friend Rachel at a table in there. I go up to her, and sort of glance down at what she's doing and she's got her assignment/date book (though it wasn't the one she actually uses because my dream took a little artistic license as it needed to have a calendar in there) and my theatre performance thing is marked down for the Saturday. (And it took me until halfway through history class the day after I had the dream to realize that the date was wrong, as the theatre thing was actually going to be on Friday.) And I'm about to say something about how it's cool/flattering/whatever that she marked it down, when I notice that there are motivational quotes jotted down on the Saturdays. Which is probably because a) the calendar date book things that the school gives us have them in there and b) the guy that does the announcements has started sticking one or two (often really long) ones in there every day. But anyway. I thought that was interesting. Then, Bill O'Reilly comes over. Yeah, no idea where that came from. He's the owner of the store, and for some reason I had started to walk away a bit, to look at a rack of books, but then I hear that Rachel (dunno how they got to that point, as it was only a few seconds of me being in only semi-earshot) is about to explain her theory of life to him. I edge back over because I want to listen. But then I woke up, and I remember being quite sad because I wanted to know what her theory of life was. When I told Rachel this, she was disappointed also, because she said she would have liked for me to let her in on her theory of life.

So. Though only explicit sex in one of them and only for a moment and pretty much just as a plot device, the more recent three have all had sex/romance/whatever in them. I dream so rarely that it's odd enough that I've had this many this recently, and though it's not odd that there are undertones of romance (my Kara Thrace implied relationship thing is relatively common) it is different that I actually knew that there was sexing going on in the two of them.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Got an anti-valentine from Amanda. Yay. Makes me laugh. I went to the website, and some of them are pretty entertaining. She sent me the one about the uprooted, overpriced plant life. Los anti-valentines. (<- You see that? Masculine definite article. You know why? Because I freaking said so.)

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