commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Total alexithymia here but it feels weird that my mom is so behind my desire to actually get aspie/asd/whatever finally officially written down.

I mean, it's good that she's going to help, but shouldn't she be saying "no kid you're totally normal" instead of "yeah I always kind of wondered"? If you always kinda wondered why did every evaluation of me stop after I blew away the IQ portion?

Maybe this feeling is just extension of my vague resentment of everyone involved in my education? I know I've thought about this before, because I am pretty much the quintessential example of "kid who fell through the cracks because as long as she can pass the standardized tests we can't be arsed to figure out what's wrong with her". Like maybe the third time I got yelled at by the teacher for "rolling my eyes"/not making eye contact maybe that could have been looked into? and the head banging/si and the stimming and the inability to make friends and the clothing sensory issues and the food sensory issues and the sound sensory issues and how I had to lock myself in my room with the lights off for hours every day right after school/being in public to turn into a person again and the fear of the telephone and the weird obsessions and how all the comorbid things line up too etc. etc.

I mean, I can't blame my parents because when you've got a high functioning kid and a lower functioning kid I understand you've got to make sure the latter can actually graduate before expending the effort to ferret into the former's more hidden issues, but I still feel like . . . idk, like I fell through the cracks. And that if stuff was caught earlier, proper interventions and such could have reduced the probability that it would have caught up to me as hard as it has in college.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)

A sort-of response to "An Issue in Sherlock That Annoys Me and Why", which is an essay about gifted persons and emotion, with specific reference to the eponymous character in the BBC drama "Sherlock".

This is mostly just YES THIS with a large dose of WOW MY CHILDHOOD LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT encased in a few giant, run-on paragraphs. 

Also, let me just get modesty and such out of the way: labeling yourself as intelligent is such a Not Done thing (made even worse by societal expectations of women, but that's another rant), and I hate comparing/being compared to other people because I will always zoom in on the way(s) that I fall short, so this entire thing is extremely uncomfortable to write.  But if I keep apologizing every time I refer to the fact that I consider myself part of this group of Super Screwed-Up Super Gifted Super Freaks, it will be even more uncomfortable to read.  So.  Blanket "blah blah, I don't mean that other people are dumb, blah blah my self-worth on good days approaches that of a rock covered in toothpaste blah blah".

Read more... )



And okay, this has gotten too long and I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore because I'm kind of upset now, but blah.  There it is.  I'm not sure there's any meaning or even relevance in any of this wordvomit, but have some stories about me.

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Good things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. My GPA will go up considerably


Bad things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. I have school straight through the entire summer, from this Monday to August.

  2. I have to pay $1000+ for the anatomy class

  3. I have to take the 3x more expensive (and super speedy, which could be bad) orgo class to fit it in

  4. I have to get an A in it or it doesn't improve my GPA enough to have wasted the money


BUT THE FIRST ONE IS SO IMPORTANT WHAT DO I DO.

I think I know the answer, though. I can't afford it, and I'd feel bad asking my parents to pay $4000 for summer tuition. But on the other hand, getting into med school eventually vs not getting into med school. And if this were to, you know, help me become a doctor, it would be a good financial investment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL AND MAKING DECISIONS AND BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.


I'm so frustrated that by having my little freakout and getting on the medicine that made me pretty much non-functional (feeling better, btw. Side effects still killer, but at least not brainfog; anxiety still bad, but depression maybe a little better? Just realized this is the expected week for Alexandria's Requisite Monthly Suicidal Crisis and things are only slightly worse than baseline, so holy shit yessss), I've now stretched out my classes. I've got two finals tomorrow I haven't prepared at all for because I've been worried about making arrangements for the molecular biology class I missed a paper and two tests for; arrangements should be put in place by this afternoon, but I don't know when I'll be able to make up the work (when they will be here, when I will be here). I'd like to be able to do it in the next three weeks because I'll be down here taking another class (Forensic Child Psychology, which I'm hoping will be interesting), but who knows how much work I'll have for that class? I feel like I'm going to have to give them an ETA when I meet with the teachers this afternoon on when I want to take the two tests and turn in the paper, but until I know what's going to happen in the summer class, I don't really want to say.

Basically, Roommate came home all "KJASDLFKJASLDFKJASDKFJ I'M DONE OH MY GOD BEST EVER" and now I'm like "fuck. Why couldn't you have just pushed through it; you'd be done and not have to worry about this class anymore." Even though I know I couldn't have because I was so scatterbrained, and alternatingly super anxious and sedated, and basically worthless for pretty much two weeks, because I'm not feeling it now, it's hard to sympathize with past me. (I'm making perfect sense; you're just not keeping up.)
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Re: my final tomorrow. I'm just going to tell my professor that I can't take it yet; I've missed all but maybe 3 lectures for it, so it's going to take me a little while to catch up.

That sounds much more confident than I actually am.

I'm still terrified she's going to say no, and tell me to either take it now or get a zero. (I'd probably not get much above a zero were I to take it, so it's not much of a choice.) I should have emailed her and made an appointment to come in, because she did eventually pretty much offer to work out an arrangement to give me an Incomplete, but . . . yeah, I have no excuse for that except that talking to teachers triggers every bit of social anxiety and panic disorder in my body.

Fuck.

I really should start studying now anyway so I can take the test ~eventually (I'd like to get it done this week), but I'm freaking out too much about having to talk to my teachers. I know if I look at even just how much material I have to learn, I'll flip straight into panic attack mode.

The cure for this is mindless TV and knitting, and just taking it one stressful thing at a time. Talking to them now, test sometime in the future.

But at some point, I'm going to have to pussy up and stop coping with things that way, because hell, I'm putting off making arrangements to put things off, and that's obviously Really Quite Wrong.

December 2014

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