commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Total alexithymia here but it feels weird that my mom is so behind my desire to actually get aspie/asd/whatever finally officially written down.

I mean, it's good that she's going to help, but shouldn't she be saying "no kid you're totally normal" instead of "yeah I always kind of wondered"? If you always kinda wondered why did every evaluation of me stop after I blew away the IQ portion?

Maybe this feeling is just extension of my vague resentment of everyone involved in my education? I know I've thought about this before, because I am pretty much the quintessential example of "kid who fell through the cracks because as long as she can pass the standardized tests we can't be arsed to figure out what's wrong with her". Like maybe the third time I got yelled at by the teacher for "rolling my eyes"/not making eye contact maybe that could have been looked into? and the head banging/si and the stimming and the inability to make friends and the clothing sensory issues and the food sensory issues and the sound sensory issues and how I had to lock myself in my room with the lights off for hours every day right after school/being in public to turn into a person again and the fear of the telephone and the weird obsessions and how all the comorbid things line up too etc. etc.

I mean, I can't blame my parents because when you've got a high functioning kid and a lower functioning kid I understand you've got to make sure the latter can actually graduate before expending the effort to ferret into the former's more hidden issues, but I still feel like . . . idk, like I fell through the cracks. And that if stuff was caught earlier, proper interventions and such could have reduced the probability that it would have caught up to me as hard as it has in college.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)

A sort-of response to "An Issue in Sherlock That Annoys Me and Why", which is an essay about gifted persons and emotion, with specific reference to the eponymous character in the BBC drama "Sherlock".

This is mostly just YES THIS with a large dose of WOW MY CHILDHOOD LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT encased in a few giant, run-on paragraphs. 

Also, let me just get modesty and such out of the way: labeling yourself as intelligent is such a Not Done thing (made even worse by societal expectations of women, but that's another rant), and I hate comparing/being compared to other people because I will always zoom in on the way(s) that I fall short, so this entire thing is extremely uncomfortable to write.  But if I keep apologizing every time I refer to the fact that I consider myself part of this group of Super Screwed-Up Super Gifted Super Freaks, it will be even more uncomfortable to read.  So.  Blanket "blah blah, I don't mean that other people are dumb, blah blah my self-worth on good days approaches that of a rock covered in toothpaste blah blah".

Read more... )



And okay, this has gotten too long and I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore because I'm kind of upset now, but blah.  There it is.  I'm not sure there's any meaning or even relevance in any of this wordvomit, but have some stories about me.

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
You know what bothers me? The fact that I've never really been good at anything.

Ironic!LOL, Alexandria's melancholy when she's 28 hours from failing an organic chemistry test she can't get her stupid ass to study for and has slept weirdly (and by weird, I mean in 2 hour bursts with a very low total hour count) all week. It's 5am, which is probably the reason, though I've never found myself unable to allow the slightest stimuli to throw me into ". . . I fail" mode no matter what time of the day it is.

Wherein I mope and act all juvenile and emo while espousing how I fail. )
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (BoP)
You know what bothers me? The fact that I've never really been good at anything.

Ironic!LOL, Alexandria's melancholy when she's 28 hours from failing an organic chemistry test she can't get her stupid ass to study for and has slept weirdly (and by weird, I mean in 2 hour bursts with a very low total hour count) all week. It's 5am, which is probably the reason, though I've never found myself unable to allow the slightest stimuli to throw me into ". . . I fail" mode no matter what time of the day it is.

Wherein I mope and act all juvenile and emo while espousing how I fail. )
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Movie that made me join the junior high cheerleading squad way back when? Bring it On. I requested all three of them from the libarary and rewatched the first a bit ago.

I loved all the dancy and flippy bits and Eliza Dushku. But then, the cheerleading thing at school turned out to be all "Rah, rah," so I quit. Turns out that if I had stayed on longer, we might have gotten there (it split off into cheerleading and poms, the latter of which does the dancy stuff and the former which does. . . the rah-rah stuff, and I admit, our poms are often pretty cool to watch), but I had no patience. Plus, I was more gymnastic-y than anything, so neither of them really fit, though I find dancing fun.

The next to BiO movies aren't going to be anywhere near as good, though, as there's no Eliza. I only got them on the off chance that there's lots of impressive flippage, because that stuff rocks my socks.


Dentist appointment tomorrow today. Is worried, like always. This is dentist #4, the endodontist that I've never been to. Much pity for my father, though, as he called in to the (totally different) dentist with a toothache a couple of days ago and spent all afternoon today getting two root canals. Though it evens out, because I asked him "So, when do you have to go back?" and he answered "I don't. I'm done." One-visit root canal? Not fair.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
So. Evidently somebody got all hacktastic on LJ recently. I've only heard about it, not seen anything (save the posts worrying about it on [livejournal.com profile] xfiles), but I figure I was planning to change my password anyway to something not so ridiculously easy--when they made it that you had to have numbers in your password, my good password got scrapped into something I could remember easily, but it's now also the same as a bunch of other things, which is badbadbad--so I figure might as well do it now.

I crashed the orchestra banquet yesterday (well, not so much crashed as was invited and came, but still, I was afraid it would be weird because I wasn't in orchestra this year). Caught myself looking around more than was quite necessary to see where Michelle was/if she was there yet/what she was doing, but I spent most of my time hanging out, which was nice.

And there were the best freaking brownies there. Seriously. We named them the orgasm brownies. Because they were like an orgasm in your mouth, trufax. But then we shortened them to the ORG brownies, because Alyssa's little brother was hanging around. And then when he asked what that stood for, his mum (who totally knew what we meant by it and laughed and tasted them and agreed) told him it meant Oh Really Good. So they're the orgasm/ORG/Oh Really Good brownies. I seriously want the recipe, but though a couple of people guessed, nobody knew who actually brought them for sure.

And then we played on the playground. That stuff is a lot bigger when you're young. I want to make an adult-sized playground because it made me sad that I couldn't really climb up this cool/odd climbing thing because it only took me two steps. And that I couldn't do the monkeybars because my feet hit the ground.

But the swings were fun, though they were prolly the shortest swings I've ever seen. Less than knee height. You had to either keep your legs straight out (save maybe a second of pumping them back at the pinnacle of the backswing) or sort of split them out sideways at the knees when you passed over the ground or your feet would drag. And I was wearing my sexyboots, so it was worse, because that was an added 4 inches. I tried to take them off mid-swing, which ended up being a bad idea. I sort of locked one leg straight out and propped the other across it at the knee and got the one off, but I was so surprised that I actually managed it and/or distracted because the couple of my mates that were on the swings with me were talking that I forgot about the having to move the legs funny thing right as I was ready to toss it off to the side and as I came back, my left foot (the one still with the boot) planted straight onto the ground and I flew backwards. Not fun. My butt was totally off the swing, I was hanging backwards by my knees (and I was going a decent speed/height, so I'm trying to recover at a rather high velocity), and I had caught the chain on my left arm--there's a rather satisfying bruise there now (though it's nowhere near as bad as it feels) that, if you squint, resembles a section of chain--so I slowed the swing down to a sufficient dismounting velocity and just fell down laughing. Because I nearly fell off a swing. Which is really funny, if you think about it. (Though painful.)

I think LJ's being a whore to me. There's another tag that's not mine, and I could have sworn that I already had an orchestra tag, but it appears that I don't. Oddness.

No school tomorrow/today/whatever, which is nice (and why I'm still awake and not moaning about how I should be asleep/working/whatever). Going over to the house of a girl in my theatre class for our latke party. Because potatoygoodness is love. Not sure how I'm going to get there/where it is, though. I thought she was going to call, but perhaps not. Must investigate.

And I want to switch out my icons. I've played with a couple recently, but I really want a Battlestar Galactica one next, as I've not had one of those yet. The picture I really want, though, is like a bazillion pixels by a million, so it looks horrible when I shrink it to icon size. I'm going to have to try to find a smaller version.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Ha. *Is done*

Evaluation-wise, this lab actually isn't half bad, IMO. Though the teacher will undoubtedly find something to whine about because she doesn't like me. Oh well. I like it. I think I did a good job. Yay.

And there's about 5 characters worth of computer garble at the top left of one of the pages that I just printed (I don't think that the garble just printed, though, it's probably from sometime when the printer was being dumb and it would have been stupid to throw away the page just for 5 characters). We're going to ignore it. Because I don't care at all. I used to print everything on the back of old letterhead from a business that my dad and maternal grandparents had out of our basement. They worked with orthodontics. Twas back when people weren't commonly using computers in teeth stuff, and so we were like the only people that did this, which was cool. We made computer models of the teeth so the dentist/orthodontist types could see the bad parts where they weren't lining up right and such. I say 'we' because even though I was little, I got to help by scanning in the plaster models of the teeth so the computer could do its thing. I use the binders from the old training manuals that taught the orthodontists what to do with their computer representations for school stuff too. But we're almost completely out of the paper, which sort of makes me sad, because that was the background for every paper and story and everything I ever printed out for years.

Edit: And whoever put the paper in the printer loses. Because it's scrap paper from the company intermixed with printing error sheets (probably also from the company) and they put it in upside down so the scrap side gets printed over and you can't read the words. Must reprint. Curses.

Anyway. Sidetracked. Bed. That's what I was doing. Leaving. Now. Though I don't know how much point there is in going to bed for less than 2 hours. Still going to go. Though it's going to make getting up even more hellacious than it already is because not only is my bed is warm and the air freezing (literally), I'll have to interrupt the sleepage.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Lisa Edelstein supposedly went to the emergency room for fun as a child.

Hee. Me too. I sat in the car for hours on a drive down to Oklahoma a few years ago with my father to visit my grandmother, but my major motivating factor for going when none of the rest of my family did was because she was going to have surgery and I would have an excuse to hang around the hospital. While we were waiting for her to get out of surgery, I was exploring the hospital and talking to whomever didn't seem to be doing anything and hanging out down by the ER watching the medivac helicopters land and wheel patients in and stuff. /is a dork

I do stuff like that all the time. Like when I was 13 or so and there was a health day or something at the science center, and there was a guy presenting an automatic external defibrillator there, and I got into a discussion with him about the downpoints of the automatic machine after asking if you were able to cardiovert someone in irregular beat patterns besides ventricular fibrillation with it. He gave me a free t-shirt because I was so annoying (and right).

I'm working tomorrow, doing my volleyball refereeing thing. I always get nervous the first time I do it after it's been a while, because I'm like "Is this the right signal? Was that really a lift, or did I just think it looked like one? That other guy did the same thing earlier, did I call him on it?" and such.

Dad helped me come up with an idea for my theatre arts project/essay thing that I really like. So that's good. Got the polio book I'd been looking for that I needed for my history project/essay thing, now I've just got to read it. Still not sure how good the history idea is.

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