commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I hate feeling stuck. Like I'm not being allowed to make any decisions for myself.

Roommate just backtracked on possibly getting rid of the cat we have that doesn't get along with anybody else. Like, no discussion.

She decides we don't get rid of the mean one that shits in the bathtub, she decides we have to get rid of my kittens, she decided I still can't put my treadmill in the garage because she was "eventually going to put [her] car in there" even though that's been her reason for three years and she's never done it, she decided she was going to spur of the moment get a dog (and then not train it for shit -- seriously, everything this dog knows is because of me; if it were up to her, she'd just let it hang around like a house ornament or something idk), and she decided I don't get to go home on my fucking vacation because I have to stay home and watch her animals.

I'm really tempted to just drive home as soon as my break starts. I'll take my kittens, maybe even the two grownup!kittens that I love to death (but that are still hers), and she can just deal. Figure it out herself.

I'm fucking tired of being told what to do.
commotiocordis: (Jack/Ianto)
Some thoughts on gender. Also sex. So, umm, vaguely graphic things you probably don't want to know about me? ETA: This got SUPER tl;dr, so you can treat the bolded bits like a summary and just read those, if you're interested.

Over the past couple of years, I've begun to sort of question my gender identification, but I always end up feeling . . . idk, inadequate. I have long hair and I wear skirts literally all the time, I must be like the femalest female who ever femaled, right? When I go bra shopping, I look for things that push them up rather than push them down. I can tick absolutely zero of the standard outward-appearance indicator boxes for other-than-cis-genderism.

But I was looking through an old notebook a few months (maybe a year?) back, and something in there triggered a memory of being very young (7-8 ish) and in the shower and sort of daydreaming that I was pregnant because I was both male and female, and had managed to inseminate myself internally. (Weird, I know.) And that was a running thing, the feeling that I was both male and female. I mean, I knew it was biologically impossible, but that ~fantasy stuck with me for years.

Beyond that, you had your standard tomboy stuff -- I spent every day at the gifted program in elementary school playing kickball with the boys during recess; I remember one of my friends moving back in with her aunt for the summer across the street from my house and saying "Okay, let's start on your tomboy-ification" because she'd spent the year getting her hair brushed and wearing fancy clothes and I wanted a friend to climb trees with; I thought makeup was a fun toy back in third and fourth grade, but in middle school when girls started wearing it to actually wear it, I wasn't interested (save a bit of the black eyeliner goth stuff for a while, but even that got given up on all but special occasions). Those by itself, obviously, indicate nothing about a person's gender identity, but I feel like it's sort of a record of my never feeling female. On the other hand, I never felt male either. I never pressured my mom to let me buzz my hair, or pitched any more fits than the usual kid being forced into a dress for Easter church; I even chose to go by Alexandria instead of Alex in middle school (though that was more because I wanted to be unique than anything else).

As I got older, I spent late middle and most of high school pretty sure I was a lesbian, but I think that's because I wasn't interested in penetrative, penis-in-my-vagina sex, and thought that automatically, logically meant I was a lesbian. It was also a role to play, an identity that I could have -- I still call myself a homo all the time, even though it's not 100% accurate, just because I want to claim that experience, to be a part of that identity that as an other-than-mainstream-branch queer I sometimes feel I'm pushed to the side of. (That gets into a whole other long thing that there have been plenty of diatribes about by people much less tired than I am, so have some keywords like biphobia and erasure and Google it yourself.)

But still, I remember somewhere in earlyish high school (I was probably 15 or 16) watching an Oprah about women with huge clitorises with my Dad omg it was awkward at the time, and it being mentioned that they were pretty much just like little penises, and wondering aloud why that would be a bad thing. He said it was probably just image, or being worried the people they're with will think they're not female, but I didn't really get it. You still have all the female bits, you don't have to deal with the stigma of outwardly presenting as other-than-cis-gendered, and you get a mini penis that could be used (as one of the women's anecdotes related) for penetration; what's not to like?

Late high school/early college, I started to wake up to my boy attraction (thank you, David Tennant), but realized that I still wasn't interested in PIV sex. I get sex dreams pretty much never (maybe two or three a year, idk) but the few times I did, it was always oral/handjob, frot, or me as the penetrative partner (with a strong slant toward the latter two). Okay, dreams, I figured, we'll see if there's anything to this. It's very rare that I would fantasize as myself with someone else (I always masturbated to fanfiction without putting myself in either player's place really, *shrugs*), but I sort of tried it a bit, and holy shit does imagining fucking Olivia Wilde with my invisible dick get me off. Imagining jerking off said invisible dick is also surprisingly helpful. Frot (with both males and females) is pretty much Number One and has turned into my hugest fic kink ever. So, um, okay then. Apparently, my subconscious had a point, and I kind of want a dick.

But I don't want to be male. Not particularly. Not consistently. I've expressed a desire to be male when doing things like going to the Adam Lambert concerts, because I wish that things like painting my nails and putting on tons of makeup and glitter were expressed to other people as the alternative gender performance that they really are for me, rather than it just being something that girls are expected to do. I'd get a hysterectomy simply because I have such severe premenstrual dysphoric disorder and it's the cause of much misery and suicidal ideation, but I don't think I'd ever get top surgery because my breasts don't really bother me. I'd love to magically have a penis, not gonna lie, but I don't know if I could stomach ever doing something so drastically radical and unchangeable to my body, and definitely not at the sorry state of technology that bottom surgery is now (for those who haven't spent ages looking this up and thinking about it -- probably another sign that I wasn't just investigating for Roommate and Scientific Curiosity -- a huge huge percentage of FTMs don't get it because it's like $200,000, and even then comes with severe risk of losing sensation and has only mechanically-assisted function and isn't even always able to pass, like most good MTF bottom surgery is).

Speaking of Roommate, I spent quite a while not talking about this (or even really thinking about it) because I was sort of worried that maybe I was just feeling this way because she had been exploring her FTM-ness and I just wanted to . . . be special like her? But now that I'm thinking about it, it goes back so far that I think it just took Rachel to make me realize that maybe this was a thing and not just that my body issues were just standard low level eating disorder and the fantasizing about having a penis thing was a minor and probably-should-be-suppressed-if-you-ever-want-a-working-relationship quirk. Would I ever have expressed it anywhere but my own fantasies if she hadn't been around? Doubtful. But I don't think that makes it any less real, I guess?

I think there's a lot of weight to be put on my attraction map. (I'm not sure if that's a thing, but that's how I've been thinking about it for some time now.) Somewhere along the line, my concept of beauty got set with a skew sort of towards the feminine, as this ideal with a feminine face and (generally) androgynous body, and that's more or less my ideal image for myself. One of them, I guess. I'm attracted to people who are more or less that andro-chic look, but I also find a strong aesthetic appreciation for people with more feminine bodies (i.e. curves), and therefore sometimes I'm okay with looking like that, too. Sometimes. The ~feminine me still doesn't like to do her makeup and hair every day, or make a sandwich for her boyfriend because she's supposed to, or stay home and watch the kids, and is definitely still more of the power female, but she's more okay with her curves even to the point of sometimes feeling sexy in a clingy dress or something. It's like I'm bigendered, with the two sides being genderqueer and female. Which is super weird.

I know that most of my gender performance is because it's just easier. The constant skirts is a body image thing, because I have, um, probably some kind of serious body dysmorphic disorder when it comes to my thighs and have a hard time handling looking at them, so it's easier to just wear skirts. The hair is vanity, given, but it fits in with my sort of feminine facial ideal. I'm not sure if I'd rather be flat chested or curvy (the andro or the feminine), but I've got tits. (Pretty easily bindable ones, much to Roommate's consternation, but all the same.) And so I work what I've got; I buy the push-up bras, because I at least want what I have to be perfect. (Hallo, perfectionism/control issues/the root of much misery.)

It tends to mean I attract "the wrong kind of person" for me; I think, because of the typology of people I'm attracted to and my slash hobbies and all of this stuff, etc. etc., if I ever were interested in a relationship, even with a man, it would probably have to be someone out of the queer community. I'm read pretty much as straight, or on very rare occasions, hit on by more butch girls, when I want to be the sort of dominant one or at least equal in a relationship (not that relationships require any kind of dom/sub -- and I do not mean this in the BDSM way, but just in general dynamics; the leader and the follower -- or male/female traditional binary roles, but often they sort of happen, even in friendships sometimes, I find). I'm the toppiest top who ever hasn't actually sexually topped, as we say. Which is why I think I'm not hit on by gay girls more often; idk, maybe I put off dominance vibes, so no one comes to me, but then I don't go out and go after anyone? I mean, I'm not interested in a relationship, really, which is why I have no particular drive to change anything about how I present, but it doesn't mean I'm not super jealous when Roommate gets hit on all. the. time. by lesbians and nobody ever looks twice at me.

I'm not sure if I'm attracted to males (almost exclusively gay males in real life, or celebs with more feminine features/presentation) more often when I'm feeling genderqueer/andro and females more often when I'm feeling feminine, or if it's the other way around. I think genderqueer me is attracted to both/pan, and feminine me is more attracted to the women side of the spectrum, maybe? I notice periods of time when I'm much more likely to look pretty much exclusively at women and periods when I look at both or more men (but I don't think ever exclusively), with androgynous types being somewhere in the middle of both, but I'm not sure if that correlates to periods of feeling one way or the other. (I also couldn't tell you how often I feel one way or the other, because it's not really a line that I jump across or anything.) I know I've never had a sexual dream/fantasy where I was explicitly female with a man (a lot of the time, I'm sort of . . . non-gender specific?), but I've been female-bodied in lesbian dreams.

And when I say attracted, I really just mean aesthetic appreciation. I'm pretty sure I'm pretty asexual. I can look at people and think they are ridiculously attractive, and I can look at people and think I want to spend time with them, and I can look at people and think both, but never do I look at someone and think "I want to have sex with you." That's just not something that goes through my mind ever. The biggest, longest running crush on a Real Life Boy I've ever had, I don't think I've ever had a sexual thought about him, and only fleeting ones for my Real Life Woman crush (but that didn't really count, because she wasn't really a Real Life person because it was literally impossible to have a relationship with her being, um, my teacher) -- I'll on occasion have sexual fantasies about celebs or something, but I know if I ever, for instance, had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted with Olivia Wilde for one night in real life, we'd have dinner and talk politics and maybe cuddle. I remember realizing, at a Halloween party last year, that I hadn't gotten off in a while, and there was a guy there who was kind of cute (in that lighting, at least; turns out not so much, but still), and that I could totally make out with, possibly do him if I wanted to, but I didn't. Not at all. Not even "oh, that'd be nice but I don't really know him so that's dumb"; there was just no desire whatsoever, even when I tried to mentally put someone else (including women) I knew better in his place.

But then again, I think I would have no problem, if I broke past some barriers and was in a relationship, having sex. I enjoy orgasms. (Or, um, I did. Fucking anti-depressants.) But I don't . . . go out and look for it? I have no particular desire to have sex with another person, save maybe for scientific curiosity, but if you were here and I was here and we were really good friends/in a relationship and were bored or (idk if I ever actually get this way, but) horny or whatever, sure; as is an occasional catchphrase in our house, "Here, have some orgasms." I've told Roommate before (I think I was probably drunk, but still) that I would totally do her if she ever wanted to fool around, just because I love her (platonically) and if I can do something that makes her feel good, why not? That puts me more on the aromantic side of the spectrum and would disqualify me from "true" asexuality in some people's narrow views, but whatever.

COOL STORY BRO. Just some things I've been thinking about. I kind of tend to just go "agh, fuck labels" because I am so confusing, but at the same time, I feel . . . idk, like I said above in regard to my lesbianism in high school, like I don't want to get left out of this group that I belong to? I don't generally stress about them, but they helped in this case to sort of ~express my feelings. Of all the things I angst about, though, this isn't one of them. The fact that I'm Ace doesn't disturb me (even though I have the probably unpopular opinion that most asexuals probably could be diagnosed with some kind of attachment or arousal disorder; just because it's a thing -- like Roommate's Gender Identity Disorder, or my redheadedness -- doesn't mean you have to do anything about it if it's not distressful or an impediment to functioning). I imagine the gender thing might be more disturbing if I was desiring of a standard, heterosexual relationship (or any relationship at all), but because of the asexuality, it's just not an issue. I wish that my gender performance could be more in line with how I actually feel I'm performing (see above Adam Lambert example), but that's life.

Sometimes, Roommate and I say we're 200% gay. It's crazy; we're like fucking SuperQueer over here or something. Fuck yeah, house of fabulousness.

I keep reading over this and wanting to add more/change things to make sure it all makes sense, but I think exactly two people are going to read even this much, so we'll just hit post.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Criminal Minds)
In mock trial now. OMG, I hate this girl. She comes in and is all I IZ DOMINANT AND A KICK ASS MOCK TRIALER and she's not. She had the nerve last week to say something about us electing a captain, and I was all O HELLS NO, I have been trying to get this team off the ground since fucking September, and even after you joined you missed some 4 meetings because your schedule is "too hectic", so you don't even get to think about that.

It's pretty funny, when we do objections when going through this. If she called it, she keeps fighting it right until she knows she's going to lose, and then goes "Oh, let's just move on," once she realizes I've got her. And tried to do the entire plaintiff case first, not just the case in chief--she was trying to cross one of the defense witnesses before they'd been directed. That or she thought that the witness selection order carried over to witness calling order, even though I'd clarified that already last week and she evidently wasn't listening. She keeps telling the other lawyer to make these bullshit objections every three seconds if the witnesses answer is more than two words on direct or it's what she thinks is a leading question, which fails because she doesn't know what a leading question is, she keeps using the wrong justification for objections and just jumbling about and reiterating the "pursuant to Midlands Rule of Evidence (some random number that's wrong)" bit and not citing an actual rule, and she's overall just. . . not my guys from high school. Basically, her theory of working things is starkly different from mine; I'll just go ahead and say here that we have either beaten her team in HS or beaten someone who beat them, so I'm fairly certain that I've got at least a bit of an idea what I'm fucking talking about. I would take such pleasure in kicking her witness's ass in cross and objecting the fuck out of her direct if this was high school and she was on the other team.

Anger. Seriously. At least I can accept when somebody else points out a good objection. And don't try to point out bullshit ones when I don't know the justification for them or cheat my way out of being deemed wrong. That's the biggest thing. If she was trying to sneak in and steal control because she's. . . idk, an actual lawyer, that's different. Perfect example of a little bit of knowledge being a horrible, horrible thing.

That's this weekend. My witness, who I'd thought would be pretty good when we were going through some questions, looks like she's just going to memorize the script she wrote. Yet again, I need our witnesses back. Fucking dream team, we were. I'm really hoping she polishes it up and goes completely off script, because just like every time a script is written, she's really canned.

<-- That was all Monday. The witness who was supposed to meet me didn't actually show up--I think we may have mistakenly agreed on different days to meet, because according to the only-semi-annoying lawyer (so called because he tends to listen/ask the *less experienced* bitchface rather than me about some things, but that's semi-understandable because he actually knows her. Plus, his boyfriend walked by and kissed him once while we were meeting, and I had to restrain myself from "awww"ing) that like I her, she couldn't find me on the day.

Now it's Wednesday. My life sucks. More MT and Judith making my time of it a bitch. First, why today in particular sucked so hard. Starting at 7:40 or so I was in class until 5:50 (not even extracurricular lab, but lab-lab that took way too long because we had to keep redoing stuff because our results kept being shit), then back to plug in my laptop and putter around looking for the library Torchwood dvd I'd misplaced; never even got to take off my shoes before down to dinner and then the gym and then straight back up to my room to grab my mock trial binder for a no-notice MT meeting. It's almost 11 and I've been in my room a grand total of one hour since waking up.

I want to kill her. I really do.  She's now got Sahara (the president of the frat who DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO) being the president, but at least it's not her, because I would have straight up vetoed that.  But it's supposed to be me.

I've got this reoccurring dream/worry/fantasy that she's going to give the closing argument once (out of 4 trials) and suck, and I'm just going to have to be "No.  You're not doing it anymore.  I'm taking over, role limits be damned."

It's going to be a while before I can do these three pages of reflection stuff for Hero and Quest (summary of the weeks' readings, which I only ever did the first 1/6th of the entire book, summary of the class discussion, which is hard as I'm an idiot and never put dates on my notes, and a reflection bit; doesn't seem hard, and yet is so much more difficult than the bazillion-page microiology practice test I should be doing instead because you've got to make it sound good) because otherwise it'd be WARWARWARDIEDIEDIE HE'S (Henry Flemming from Red Badge of Courage) FAIL FOR RUNNING BECAUSE THEY NEED TO ALL BE DED KTHXBAI. 

I'm letting her make me loathe going to MT because it's something I'm frankly really fucking good at and she's taking it away from me.  She took my closing already, which I was fine with at first if it meant I'd just have more time to coach the other lawyer and witnesses who'd never done anything before, but she knows them all through the frat, so they all went "Oh, she's got debate experience and her little podunk town school did MT, so let's talk to she who DOESN'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT A LEADING QUESTION IS OR THAT PLAINTIFF CAN'T CROSS THE DEFENSE WITNESSES BEFORE THEY HAVE TESTIFIED." (Seriously? That second part? I don't think you need to have any experience with law save having seen two episodes of Law and Order to know that the lawyer on the other side asks their questions right after the lawyer whose witness it is asks theirs. Supposedly she just got confused between the order for pre-trial witness selection and calling the witnesses in the actual case, but you know what that tells me? She didn't really read the rules, and yet she's constantly trying to point them out to other people.) Oh, and the kicker. As this is pretty much the entire basis of the case. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A BITCH TO SOMEONE TO SHOW ACTUAL MALICE. RECKLESS DISREGARD WORKS TOO AND IS THE EASIER TO PROVE. W. T. F.

Yeah.  I'm not an overly roll-over-and-take-it person in general, especially in an area that I've got some standing in, but I tried so fucking hard not to just go in and write everything for everybody because I knew that since it was so late that I was finally getting people to stick that we didn't have time to be good, and I'd rather people learned for next year than sucked a little less this year. So when she came in to the picture a few weeks ago (versus me, who's the reason this team exists as I've been working on getting it up and going since September through probably 3 whole teams worth of people committing and then dropping out), I was already being too laid back with the team (whoever I could drum up and keep in for more than a week, with people refusing to commit or change their schedules, as I've bitched about before). Most of it's probably that they all know her. Idk. I've gotten this massive complex, now. She wants me to put this stupid-arsed "haste makes waste" into my opening and I can't do it. I won't, frankly, because sure, a theme works well, but one as stupid and singsongy as that isn't memorable as anything but stupid and singsongy, plus the defense can wipe it out with a couple of easy comments regarding the responsibility to the people to get news out on TV asap after it happens (backed up by the expert witness).

Gah. And I don't have anything memorized yet, and I've got those Hero and Quest journals to do tonight which are going to take a long time like always, and I've got two tests to make up when I get back--the microbiology one I could technically take on Friday as we're not leaving until 9 and it's my 8 o'clock, but I'd do a halfassed job on prepping for both mt and the test, and I can't afford to fuck this test up as I've got an 85% in there after that lab one I had to take after missing the follow up on the three labs before due to carfail (because idk when that'll ever get written--car died 2 hours out of STL, 1 hour from school, just on the side of the highway in nowheresville on Tuesday. Got it towed to a place [that I think was the only one within god knows how many miles], turns out it was a fatal dying, [ profile] bleakone had to come pick me up because the car's trash; missed everything that Tuesday which happens to be two of the three classes where attendance counts the most). Add the stress of Judith (aka bitchface) and how much I hate losing like I know we will and even worse, having to sit there and have other people screwing up and not being able to object on their behalf or rephrase their answers or something (see MT state semifinals and finals 2007 where I swear I took years off of my life restraining myself from shouting out the response to the objection from the witness bench while my team made a couple of stupid and critical mistakes). And having to fucking open for the plaintiff (never fun, as that's the absolute first thing to happen in the trial) and then direct the first plaintiff witness (the first actual exam to happen in the trial, which is dangerous because you can't get the feel for the judge or the other team's objection strategy before you have to just go--I'm well aware that the person with that job tends to get the lowest scores for that reason, which makes everything worse because it feels like everyone else will think that that's some kind of affirmation that Judith's better than I am if she scores higher when I know she's not). I'm breaking out like nobody's business (as per usual in preparation for the ONE DAY A YEAR I actually put on makeup and dress up and stuff) and having mini panic attacks about compounded stress and the prospect of driving 1.5hrs in a car packed with three four? other people (I don't know what I'm going to do there. I need to be either knocked out with megadoses of Dramamine or allergy medicine or something, which would not give me enough time to recover, or be able to completely zone out and meditate the fuck out of that car--for all seriousness, I'm freaking out just thinking about the prospect--both of which would prevent the rehearsing we should be using the time for.)

GAH. An hour later and I've been just writing this and catching up on the news and such and not doing the homework. Fucking fail. Midnight and I've got hours left of work to do. I need to learn to make these things as short and easy as they're supposed to be. I'm fairly sure I'm overthinking.

I'm also fairly sure I'm close to the border of incoherent from fatigue (not tiredness, really; though that's there to a not-pleasant extent as I woke up some ninetybazillion times during the night last night, it's mostly just exhaustion from the bitch of a day this has been) as seen by the worse my typing is getting. Though point of interest, Chelsea (primary cohab) was listening as she was going to sleep a bit ago to me rock out this keyboard and she asked how fast I type "because sometimes I listen and you're going at it like a ninja", and I guessed like 40wpm or something because that seemed like a number I'd seen before, but evidently if I'd seen that number before and not just pulled it out of the top of my head, it was from maybe 6th grade when I had to take typing class because I took some random online test just now and pulled an 80-95wpm range. That should afford me some kickass job somewhere paying lots of money until I get my MD and make tons more money, I think.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
LOL at how I wake up at an ungodly early hour and try to do homework (and can't, because I can't find my lab schedule so I don't know which one to prep for microbiology), and munch on a handful of Fritos, and somehow the smell is enough to wake up my roommate. One handful! That's crazy to me, considering the window is open and my fan is on by my bed and that it was literally only one handful worth. Plus, though I can smell them, you don't think of Fritos as overwhelming stench. Idk, they're not great, but across the room? I'm fairly pissed, because she all but wakes up and yells at me, and I'm all WTF. If you had let me get the nap I wanted this afternoon instead of making me waste my time trying to sleep when you turned the light on, I would have been productive enough to (try to) do this reading before going to bed and you wouldn't have this problem. It was funny, though, how she's like "Do you smell that?" And I've got no idea what she's talking about, so I'm like "No. I . . . can open the window, I suppose?" And she asks if I cooked something, and the answer's still no, but I pause and think about it for a while because I've got no idea what it could be and my brain isn't good at switching gears from microbiology to smells when startled by her popping up like that--it's like she's got Fritodar, and as soon as my hand leaves the bag she pops up and makes some comment about the smell. If I'd downed an entire bag or something, maybe I'd get it, but to not only be smellable across the room but supposedly wake her up? I'd really rather she just asked me not to or something, if it bothers her, because this little side-comment thing she pulls is annoying.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
"If the taxpayers are helping you, then you've got certain responsibilities to not be living high on the hog,"

Obama to detail further compensation limits

Damn straight. But then again, how many of the bailed-out CEOs really need a salary anyway? They'll cash in their stock options, maybe sell off one of their 4 Lamborghinis (which I'm surprised as hell I spelled right on the first try), and just keep on trekking. Still. Step in the right direction, considering what the Forbes list comes out with as salaries for the top CEOs every year. (Shift it to the teachers. The teachers!)

Microbiology test this morning? Quick. Should have been easy, had I been studying the easy stuff and not the hard shit that I didn't understand because he didn't really teach it. Lots of memorization of the history, which I've learned to expect to be the barely-skimmed-over part of these classes where it's not really relevant and have been unpleasantly surprised when this is not the case in two science classes here now.

And one question that just killed me--they wanted the name of the apparatus that lets you grow a continuous culture by feeding in and draining out a limiting nutrient that you then use to determine growth rate of a species. I looked at that last night and went "Oh, that's easy; I'll recognize it." Sure, I would have recognized it were it multiple choice. I remembered that it started with "chemo-". I could have danced around the word, bloody diagrammed it were it a short answer question. Nope. Fill in the blank, the stupidest test question type in existence. Seriously. Multiple choice gives you some context and lets you rely on recognition memory. Something with more room to answer lets you show that you know what you're talking about even if you forget the word. Can't come up with the exact term on fill in the blank and you're screwed. That's the one that I absolutely know I got wrong (I made up some "chemotron" thing that sounds more like a big technical piece of equipment than the "chemostat" it actually was).

And then a bunch more where I had spent too long working on trying to figure out what a south seeking magnetotactic bacterium in Flathead Lake would tend to do (questions from the book's online tests, which I mistakenly both prioritized higher since I don't have the actual book and spent much more time on since we covered the topics but not much of the actually questioned-on content, which should have been a clue in retrospect). So it was more "yeah, it's one of these. And this one sounds right. But not quite sure." The history stuff, mainly; the names I'd never heard before lecture and then didn't spend time reviewing because who really gives a damn about who did this first and when, so long as they did it?

*sigh.* Psychology next, which I'm hoping should be as easy as I'm expecting it to be, but as usual, I'm vaguely fearful that I'm entirely wrong. The bio test was all of 10 minutes max; I was out of the building by 8:20 when you add in my taking it and then going through it 2x more because I didn't want to turn it in first (the kid next to me looked like he finished it--turns out he just paused for a really long time whilst thinking--and just sat there, so I wondered if maybe we'd be grading it in class or something), so I got to my spot in the psych building (actually a different spot, because I brought my laptop cord today just in case and the spot with the tables that I usually use has no outlet) and had enough time to do this before I go through my notes again, as the class isn't until 10.

I started the third journal for my Hero and Quest class last night before realizing that she said "before Thursday" we must turn it in, which means that I can probably slide it under her door before my 9am on Thursday (hopefully she's not in before that), so I switched to the biology. That test is tomorrow as well, so maybe I can work the answers I'm going to write out for the study guide--this class appears to be very free response rather than the multiple choice/matching/"describe what myth's happening in this picture" of her class last semester, so I figured actually composing answers to all of the prompts is a good idea as she's mentioned pulling test stuff from there (though you never know to what extent teachers mean when they say that; could be anything from pulling questions word for word to their being related in topic and style)--into the reflective part of the journal. It's only got to be 2/3 as long as the others as there's no "talk about what happened in class" bit, as we had no class last week. The summary of the reading is going to require that I actually do some of the reading, though. The translation on the Internet Classics Archive of the Iliad isn't as good as the one I've been using by this Canadian professor that's also available online (he's translated a whole bunch of stuff and put it all out there for free, which is really awesome. I think I might email the guy and thank him at some point); I realized that I should have pointed it out to Dr. Johnson and asked what she thought of it in terms of, idk, accuracy and such, but it's a bit late now.

Should probably psych now. This is another one where I'm afraid there's going to be a whole load of names and dates I didn't memorize. There is a lot more history (more detailed, I guess) in the book than in the notes that I didn't really look at, which I'm hoping will be okay. I'm not planning on getting the book for this one at all, since I can pretty much get anything I need from his notes and the DSM (and, you know, AP Psych) and if really necessary, Chelsea (the cohab) is taking it as well and has the text sitting out on her desk that I can nab and quickly look things up in.

commotiocordis: (carmen)
Still no internets. In the basement computer lab atm. Might hit up some random stores just to have something to do. It's kind of depressing here, frankly, in that though normally I'd be fine engrossed in my computer, everybody's parents came down for the weekend and I'm all post-just having to go back to school (I could have gone back with [ profile] bleakone this weekend, but I didn't think it was worth fighting my overwhelming school anxiety to pull myself back here after only being gone a week) and menstrual and all low-self-esteemed and my computer's being an utter whore, so I'm wallowing a bit.

The computer? *#)(*$(#@!!. I don't know what its freaking problem is. The interwebs, fine. Those are working only off and on. But the freezing and slow running and near-constant hangups are getting worse and worse. The screen brightness won't change and is stuck at dull (which is a Vista control problem). Plus, the godsdamned warranty repair people still haven't gotten back to me. I'm going to call and tell them that by god, if they don't answer inquiries from their website sent IN THE MANNER THAT THEY SPECIFY IS PREFERRED, they sure as hell better hope that I don't write a letter to Toshiba and ask that they be taken off the approved warranty repair center list. In fact, come to think of it, I might do that anyway.

Speaking of writing letters, I've been using my gym membership from home to get into the gym here, right? Because they told us ([ profile] bleakone and I) that I could, and then used that to sell [ profile] bleakone a membership there. Lo and behold, we talk to somebody else when my temporary card runs out and it turns out the girl that did the selling didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, and I could only use my Club Fitness membership for a month (since it's a monthly contract thing) and would have to then buy into their contract (the minimum term for which is longer than I hope to be down here, I think) at some more than double the price per month. WTF. If we had known this, there would have been some considerable rethinking before [ profile] bleakone bought hers, as the major selling point (that the chick used to hawk the thing) was that we could both work out there. Does that not seem like a bait-and-switch out the wazoo?

I can't even describe how pissed off I was. Now, when I need the thing more than ever (the inexplicable weight gain has continued no matter what I do to try and stop it--it's to the doctor next because I'm starting to wonder about hypothyroidism as I've had those symptoms before and it matches up), I'm essentially stranded. Especially during the winter, you're waiting an hour in the gym at school for a treadmill because there are maybe 6 total in the entire sports facility (which is nothing to speak of) which has very restricted hours anyway; there's a stairmaster in the basement that I can get into anytime, but blech. This also means that there's really no reason to keep up my membership at home, but then what will I do when I go home? There was talk at one point when I was first leaving about setting it up so I was just billed for the days I'd be on break at the proportion of my monthly fee at Club Fitness, but then they decided it was too hard. I'd like to try to get them to do that, but I'm not sure if I'd need to mess with corporate (prolly, as they do the actual billing) or go through the people that I know, the latter meaning a better chance of success.

There's a VIP membership level thing that lets you bring friends as much as you want at the Ozark Fitness here that [ profile] bleakone might switch up to if it's as cheap to do so as I remember, and that would cover me down here since we drive together anyway and are going to try to find an apartment together for next year. But the "switch up to VIP for free" promotion is over, apparently, and when she asked one of the receptionists it was indicated that that would require a rewriting of the contract. What I really want to do is march up there and put all this to them; how she was sold the membership under mistaken/false pretenses and therefore they really should release her from the contract without penalty, but with a contractual membership place like this they don't give a damn about customer satisfaction because you're already paying them the money, so they could just say "to hell with you" and keep on billing.

But the combination of that and the daily billing at CF would work well. Problem is setting it all up, which is a lot of naggling and conversations (the CF ones all having to be done either through my father or over the phone, the former being difficult because he's kinda gymgoing!fail and the latter being difficult because OMGphonehate) and in the meantime, a lot of long boring stairmastering (at least the workout room in the basement of my dorm with the stair thing has a TV up close to the machine; the fitness center has TVs all the way across the room that you can't hear that are never on anything I want to watch anyway).

Not sure when I'm going places--prolly in the nowish time zone, as I've got to go work out (I've got [ profile] bleakone's pass to use the gym of customer service fail atm since she went home and is a goddess like that) and don't really want to make two trips. IH all these time restrictions--gym closes at 8, which means I've got to leave by 6:15 or so, which means I wouldn't get dinner because the dining center has shitty hours on the weekend (5-7, and being used to eating dinner anywhere from 7-12 I'm physically incapable of eating at 5), so I've got to go exercise now, but there's nothing on TV. *whine*

Oh, and the roommate's boyfriend is staying the night in our room. Not that there will be sexing or anything (I highly, highly doubt it), but just AWKWARD LIEK WOAH. And [ profile] bleakone's not even here for me to go camp on her floor. Does not want.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Seriously? Not only do you come in my room to study when there's a football game on (admittedly, you were there before the game started, but Sunday night (or afternoon, really) = football night all year, so you'd think one would assume that the pattern would continue), you fall asleep in there, not even studying? WTF, suitemate type.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I really want it to be acknowledged that out of the huge, huge piles of dishes in the sink here, none of them were mine. None. In fact, I broke down and washed a bunch a few days ago just because I wanted to fill up my water pitcher and couldn't even get a glass in there to bail water into it, much less the pitcher itself. It's not like they're blaming it on me, but my. . . idk, sense of self-something and paranoia is making me think that when they're moaning about how utterly many dishes there were, they're putting it on me. Ahh, neuroses.

/much earlier today.

Reading the weather, because it's supposed to suck and I've got to drive home Thursday (one of the suckiest days). There's a wind advisory atm which makes total sense, as I can barely walk outside. This is the National Weather Service's definition of a wind advisory:


Sure, they meant trees, but isn't it quite a funny visual (and potentially true--you should see this shit!) the way it first pops into your head?
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Sex!Science time.

Multinational study on intravaginal ejaculation latency time--from initial penetration to ejaculation.

Some highlights.

A median IELT of 5.4 minutes. Out of a range from 44 minutes to 0.55. Ouch. Wouldn't you hate to be the one of 500 study participants who got their time highlighted in the write-up for only lasting 33 seconds?

But they had to throw out the Turkish men from part of the rest of the analysis. Why? Their median IELT was only 3.7 minutes. Country-wide ouch on that. If I were you, Turkey, I'd spend less time on tourism campaigns and work to reestablish the reputation of your country's manhood. Meanwhile, *crosses Turkish off of list of possible mate ethnicities*.

The best part of the study, though? The last line of the results section of the abstract. "The median IELT value was not affected by condom use." So if some jackass decides to try to pressure you (or your little sister/friend/whomever, for the chivalrous males out there), you've now got science to throw their bullshit back in their face. If you can't feel it, you're just not doing it right.

Speaking of (and this totally was a coincidence, that I happened to be posting about this study the day this happened), my opinion of one of my suitemates (I think Breanna, as Chelsea was staying in another room last weekend because she had a friend over and I'm fairly positive Kayla's not the type) just changed a great deal this afternoon. As I was taking out the trash and there was a condom wrapper stuck to the bottom of the bag. I say this: I do not judge you for having sex. In fact, I'm all for it, and mundo applause for using protection. I judge you, however, because strawberry? Seriously? Blech.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Oh, your roommate is asleep so you assume you can just come in and hang out in my room? Umm, no. It's 11:30, you don't think that I might be wanting to go to sleep as well? Gah.

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
LOL at how cohab is suggesting we all work together and clean up before we leave for break.

Umm, wtf? Because I thought we were still all on the "wash our own dishes" type of scheme. So I've been washing all my own dishes, wiping down the sink after I brush my teeth and all, and now I've got to help them do it too? I think this is bullshit, but there's really no way of saying so without being all "Umm, no this is all on you, disgustingslobtypes."

Was supposed to be out dancing on the quad/mall type thing, but evidently the dance lesson guy didn't show or something. We went out there (even a bit late), but twas no one. Speakers for the music (that didn't look unpacked), and a few people sitting around, but no danceage. Sadness. But we're going to go watch "Captain Jack Harkness" of the Torchwoodian goodness in the gym downstairs in a bit whilst I finish my workout, so yay.

Genetics fruitfly experiment (dihybrid crosses) aren't working out v. well in terms of timing--we go on break on Wednesday, so we had to initiate the F1 crosses by then to let them incubate over the 9 days it takes for the F2s to pop out. Problem lies in that the F1s that we have to count and type and sex before sticking a couple into some new tubes to mate aren't even hatched into larvae yet, much less count/sex/type/breedable adults. Dunno how that's going to play.

And now cohab primero is hanging out in our room. Gah. Trying to do work. Supposedly, so is she, but I can't work with other people in the room; that's just how it goes. She was talking about going off to some all-night cafe to do work, and I was trying to encourage it without sounding too much like I was trying to get rid of her (not that I care, because I do that all the time), but no such luck because now she's decided to park out right here. And really be on Facebook, I'm pretty sure, as that's almost always how it is. Considering I was up all freaking night because some jackasses decided to do construction outside my window from about 2-6am (if they do it again tonight, I'm going to pick up the phone and start dialing numbers and waking people up, because that's intolerable) and she was all "O YAY, let's hang out and watch movies" when I wanted to nap this afternoon, I'm not too happy atm.

Was sort of hanging about to see if she'd decide to go and I could go back to semi-trying to write this paper, but it looks like she's parked. Shall go Torchwood now.
commotiocordis: (QPicard)
OMG. And this is fucking it. I'm about to cry, I'm so goddamned pissed off. She manages to find the time to go around and make these little index cards in the kitchen with multicolored sharpies that say things like "The ice bowl is for ICE. Don't put other things in there." And have a bunch of dishes out on the counter and with one that points to some of them and complains that they weren't washed out properly and another that bitches about how some other weren't dried properly, and are now molding.

Admittedly, I'm in a pissy mood. So I'm taking this as an attack a lot more than I probably should, because one would hope that this isn't directed at me. But I can't help but think that it is, because Chelsea went all buddy-buddy with the other two and the three of them have pretty much just ignored me except to make me miserable this entire almost-month. So it feels like I'm getting ganged up on for no reason. Wanna know why no reason? A) I don't use any of those dishes that she had out on the counter. They were these tupperware things that somebody brought, and though I've used items from the set on occasion, I use the same two containers of a totally different size, one of which was in my room still because I hadn't had the chance to wash it out yet from last night and I didn't want to stick it out in the sink because things in the sink piss me off (as then you can't use the sink) and I'd just get bitched at for leaving dirty dishes. B) Any mold that's around is because nobody else in the house knows how to wash dishes, and some idiot put the sponge in their cutsey little holder when it was still full of water. The sponge is freaking disgusting with that nasty mold smell--that's what's molding the dishes, not a failure to dry.

And then there was a list of "missing" kitchen stuff. Okay. . . it's not like they're gone forever. I've got one of the plates, the bowls are still in the other room because they had popcorn in them one of those nights they were keeping me up, and the silverware. . . yeah, idk about that. I've got a spoon along with the aforementioned plastic container I had cereal in yesterday, but that's all I can come up with on my part. Still, it's around. There was really no need to write something out to call everybody out on it, because that's both annoyingly passive-aggressive and far more mountain-out-of-molehill than was called for.

And the first little sign? There was a ziplock bag full of ice in the ice bowl. From when Breanna cut her foot in the dining hall and subsequently passed out and scraped her face. In-fucking-considerate much? If it pisses you off that much to have something in the ice bowl (that I'm the only one who ever refills the trays for), just take it out. Don't make a thing. And especially don't take the bag of ice out of the freezer and set it on the goddamned table, you idiot. Seriously, how can you be that fucking stupid?

But the thing that really got me? I nicked a bunch of veggies from the dining hall and put them in plastic bags. The others eat them, which again pisses me off to no end, but that's not the issue. Somehow, one of the bags (that I didn't finish, because I immediately wash out the baggies that I empty and then usually fill them up again, and this still had cauliflower remnants in it) got stuck in my one (yeah, another thing--they staked out the entire kitchen before I got there, so out of the 8 or so cabinets and 5ish drawers, I get one) little drawer. It wasn't there last night, which means I'm pretty sure bitchface stuck it in there during her little cleaning spree this afternoon. And the amount of nasty it had in it (the remaining cauliflower bits plus accumulated moisture had gone bad) meant that it was well past the point where most people would just throw it away by the time she did so. Even if she thought I'd left it wherever she found it, what kind of miserable, tiny little excuse for a person would toss a moldy plastic bag into the drawer where I keep my food?

Other random incidence of hate: she's going up to St. Louis for a baby shower/birth/something of a friend weekend after next. And not once has she asked if I wanted to tag along. Even though I've sort of prodded a bit ("So where in St. Louis are you going, exactly?" type things). Which is funny, because when she was smarming up to my parents during move-in weekend, she specifically mentioned to them that she's got family up there too, so she'd probably be back and forth. The implication of her mentioning it to my parents being that I could come along, right? She wasn't just offering herself up for visits on her trips up near my home, was she?

It's not like I can just go to my RA or anything, because it's been pretty obvious that said RA really took a liking to the other three pretty quickly--they're the peppy, school spirit-y, go have a Cinderella dinner with the guys on the other side of the hall types like she is. Plus, RA = annoying fail! lab partner. Who chose Chelsea for floor president before even talking to any of the other people that said they were interested, but still made us all go in and talk to her while she pretended she hadn't already given the job away after the first interview. Yeah, doesn't work so much when she's my roommate and came back and told me immediately because she didn't know I wanted it as well. I really wanted to just blow of the meeting with the RA after that, as it was pretty much pointless, but I didn't want to piss her off, as I'm pretty sure she can make the rest of my year here a living hell. Even though I'm carrying her through my human genetics lab (actually, that's mostly why I'm still doing so without making snarky comments about why she's so useless in there).

So I'm in the stairwell on the roof landing atm, just to get away from them because I'm so fed up. I'm pretty sure she and Breanna were talking about me when I came in too (which would explain why they were acting so pointless when I was writing the first half of this post in there), so I hope they're having fun going back to that. I have no internets here, though, so I'll have to remember to hit post when I get back into the room. Which prolly won't be until my battery dies and I'm absolutely forced to. Except I have to pee, so maybe slightly before that.

Hate. This whole situation really sucks. Even though I'm really just starting to bitch about it now, it's been going on the entire time I've been here, just that little honeymoon phase was sort of making it not seem as bad. Now it's bad.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I have been mucho pissy all day. And I know the exact reason. Dumb ass cohab types who've decided that my room is the place to hang out now. I mean seriously. I related the conversation from last night about how everybody could just keep hanging out in here playing loud YouTube videos because she only had dance in the morning. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. On top of a similar amount the night before. And now I'm ready to bite someone everyone's head off.

Doesn't help that at my genetics lab today, my "lab partner" just sat there and looked dumb for the entire thing. She'd only do something when I explicitly gave her instructions/handed her the micropipette and said "Suck. Drop." And of course, somehow even that got screwed up, because our titrations were not the right color. Too much of the serum added, we think. (Guess who did the micropipetting for that part? Not me, let's say.)

But I ran back to the room in my 30 minute gap or so before my non-West Wing class (we're finally starting to watch it next week, he says), and Chelsea's in there taking a nap. I was fucking furious. I really wanted to be a bitch and "accidentally" wake her up, but that thought only occurred to me after I'd left. She keeps me up all hours of the night (okay, not past 1 really, but kept me from getting any work done for those same hours, so I had to force myself to stay up even later for homework), saying that it's okay because she doesn't have classes, and then has the nerve to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. When, of course, when I want to take a nap after being in class from 8 until 4, no such luck because the freaking party's back in my room.

Add that to the fact that when I got in today, she accosts me about there somehow being some of my hair on the edge of her bed. Umm, yeah. Because I decided to pull out some of my hair by the roots and rub my feet along the carpet until I'd amassed enough static cling to maliciously place the hair right there on the edge of her bed. WTF? What does she expect me to respond to that? "Umm, sorry?" is what she got. You know what, whatever. Maybe she'd get a different response if it wasn't her fault I've had maybe 7 hours of sleep over the past two days she'd get more. . . idk, sympathy (though prolly not), but for now? Fuck you, ma'am. It's not like there's even any purpose to you or your cronies (currently Breanna, one of our suitemates) being in here atm--you're not even talking to each other really, just looking at people's Facebooks. Don't you have homework? God knows I do, and I can't fucking get any of it done when I'm having to live my life by your goddamned social schedule. I knew I loved it when she left for the weekend like she's done twice so far, but I didn't really realize how much until she came back this week. It's pretty obvious the roommate honeymoon has worn off.

Must remember to bring my gym class pre-test lab worksheet by the grad student teacher guy's mailbox, as I'm losing points for forgetting it on Wednesday. I meant to bring it by that day, but didn't. I've still got to find the thing, actualmente.

Stupid weightgainage means mucho leg pains of late. Hips, mostly. And now my left pinky, though probably unrelated--it only started when I began typing this, so I think I'm just holding it strangely.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
So I read an article in the NY Times this morning. 1 in 4 Americans think that the US enjoys too much freedom of speech and the press. (I can't find the actual article online as of yet, will have to check.) Nice job, America. I hereby declare that 1/4 of you are morons.

Oh, breaking news! Watching CSPAN, and one of the Democrats (Betty McCollum, D-MN) is now bitching that a Republican (Virginia Fox, R-NC) called Democrats anti-American. In form of a "parlimentary inquiry", whatever that means. Nothing, evidently, as nothing happened. She basically went "OMGZ, did you hear that, Speaker? She totally called us a bad name." And the Speaker was all "Umm, whatever. I'm not the referee. I'd like to remind all parties that all comments should be directed towards the Speaker and not to each other." And that was it; Fox just went back to talking after re-getting the floor.

The Speaker's fed up with the Republicans. Or at least their interruptions on stupid stuff. It was a nothing resolution (honoring Constitution Day, I'm assuming), and somebody stood up and said "OH NUH-UH! No quorum here, so that vote didn't count, kthx." And when she stood up to be recognized, the speaker had this "Oh, not again" tone of voice. It was really funny.

Quorum calls are boring. The Senate's been doing nothing the entire time I've been watching.

Back to the House. Noise mitigation re: airports near schools. You know, I've been thinking about this Federalist/Anti-Federalist issue that I've got to take a side on for a polisci position paper, which is hard for a bicameralism fan like myself. But when it comes to things like this, I start thinking that I'm a big anti-federalist fan. This issue, at least. I mean, come on. How many schools across the nation are near enough to airports to have this issue? Seriously? I understand that since the issue is using FAA funds (the F, federal, being the sticking point), it's got to be done on the federal level, but it seems like a big waste of time for something that could be handled with state legislative time.

And we switched to naming some place (North Platt?) in Nebraska "Rail Town, USA". And have been discussing that FOREVER. And now (name!fail) Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI) is blathering about how DC is "Railtown, USA" because of politicing about the energy bill. Shut up and let them pass this waste of my tax dollars-paid time.

Except this was this afternoon, and I fail at posting when I'm actually writing things. Roomtypes are watching Youtube videos of old "So You Think You Can Dance" routines. (Edit: more than an hour later, still going. How many dances are there to watch, for crying out loud?) I wish to go to sleep. Not happy.

Walked to Walgreens (sort of--rode the shuttle about halfway, then walked all the way back) just a bit ago with [ profile] bleakone. OMG, Oreo Cakesters for $0.10 each. Like, those packets of three? $0.30. I ended up getting 5 because I wanted to use up the end of my moneys gift card thing--if I just left like $0.50 on there, it'd never get used.

Edit: I just caught from the cohabs "And we don't have to go to bed until 12:30 in the morning" "Don't you have your 8:30 class tomorrow?" "Yeah, but it's just dance." No mention of the other person in the room who has an 8am class tomorrow that's not something stupid like dance and is instead the hard-to-stay-awake-on-the-best-of-days polisci lecture. Grr.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Best Facebook group ever I've joined today.
Let's say "That's Republican" instead of "That's gay/retarded/stupid."
And the good part: the tag line.
Because you can't help it if you're gay, retarded, or stupid, but if you're a Republican, that's your own goddamn fault.

Sucked in some spit down the windpipe whilst walking on the treadmill this evening and I'm still v. uncomfortable in that "must cough and get it out" kind of way. Suckage.

Primary cohab is out at a frat party. For srs. Makes me laugh because though I was afraid she (and the other two) were going to be the type, primary is the least of the three that I would expect it from. But she admits that it's out of character and she's really just going for the experience. Which I admit I probably would do too, if just to be able to say that I went to a frat party within a week of starting school, LOL.

Got the schedule switched. I'm freaking psyched up for this Classical Mythology class. How cool is that? It ruins my T/Th system of 8-9:15 am class, 9:30-10:45 am class, go to gym, go to lunch, 1pm class, on Thursdays 2-4 pm lab, go home. Which is not nice, as now gym can't happen (lunch still can, but it's only a 45 minute free block and not worth the bike trip + locking the bike + two flights of stairs + swiping the card + fighting for one of the few treadmills for only half a workout) but I'll put up with it for fabtastic mythology goodness.

Speaking of 8am T/Th class, almost was significantly late for that today. Woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee, and then ended up checking my email and being up for a good 45 minutes or so, which though seeming quite small a duration was evidently enough to set me off sleep-wise, because I didn't wake up until 7:45 when somebody's alarm went off. Hooray for the bike, tis all I can say. I totally would have been right on time if I didn't have to lock the thing up, but as it was, I was only a minute or two late. Ace for that. Considering it's not an inconsiderable ride, plus I had to get dressed and find my shoes and grab my helmet and wheel the bike out of my room down 8 floors in the elevator first, I'm quite impressed.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I am laughing so hard right now.

The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction

Except I take offense to them all being slash. Umm, I'll admit that most of the weird pairage I've read has been slash, but that's because most of what I read is slash. Biased sample. There's some pretty f'd up het around too.

Mostly I take offense (and this is the whole reason I'm actually laughing) because I'VE READ THE FIRST ONE AND I LIKED IT KAYTHX!

And on a personal front. Still have nothing packed. I think I'm avoiding it because I'm scared. Cohab asked me which bed I prefer and I've got no idea, simply because I can't visualize the room setup in my mind. It does actually really matter to me, having to do with that sleeping vulnerability primal-tastic issue I've got, but I can't quite articulate the requirements (part of that being a -primal- vulnerability issue thing). I can't have my head by the door. And the other person has to be in such a position that were a mad axe murderer to enter during our sleep, she'd get killed first. (That sounds horrible, but it's not a conscious, I'm afraid of mad axe murderers thing. It's a "I can't sleep with anyone else in the room" thing, so sure as hell nobody gets to come in and surprise me.) It's pretty obviously a loltrust issue; deep down I've sort of associated sleep with vulnerability--being able to sleep in front of someone is like when your dog knows you're its master and bares its belly to you. It's exposing itself to all sorts of danger as a sign that you've dominated it. Being unconscious and vulnerable like that in front of other people is a trust level that I haven't reached--hell, that I have trouble with with my own family.

Dentist today and yesterday (and tomorrow, LOLOL). Today and yesterday were to get this cavity in the one side of my mouth that drill-breaking dentist #2 never got to before exhausting my insurance with her fraudulent-arsed billing. Because it was bugging me pretty heavily over the weekend. But they shoved the Diagnodent thing up there and poked around, and according to the fancy toy and the x-rays, neither of the cavities up there should be deep enough to be causing the pain (not even deep enough on the Diagnothingy to warrant the destruction of tooth to fill yet) and it was probably the tooth being irritated from having stitches right up the way between it and the next one that pulled down on the gums. And possibly sinus stuff. I was like "Erm, methinks not" as I'm pretty darn familiar with the various types of tooth pain, but I grabbed the explorer and poked it in the sore spots myself, and the dentist wiggled around the thing and said that yeah, it was a bigger stick than the Diagnodent indicated it would be, and that we prolly should fill it because it's bothering me, but that we could go ahead and wait until the insurance reset in October if I wanted to. Hellyes, I responded, even though it's sad because I won't be going back to that guy. Figures, I finally find a dentist (and hygenists/techs--I actually met with two of them, one yesterday when I got in so they could see if I needed OMG EMERGENCY cavity repair because it was still bugging the crap out of me and started the exam, and one this morning when I returned for the cleaning, and they were cool) that I actually really like, and he's out of network.

Tomorrow is just another checkup on the graft with the periodontist. It's really picked up in the healing, methinks. Like, it feels mostly attached now. I've been a little bit "to hell with the soft foods thing", just being careful, and there've been no problems. I managed to sneeze/stretch open the hole on the roof of my mouth a couple times over the last week and make it bleed again, which was not fun, but not lately, which makes me hope that it's finally healing up.

December 2014

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