commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)

A sort-of response to "An Issue in Sherlock That Annoys Me and Why", which is an essay about gifted persons and emotion, with specific reference to the eponymous character in the BBC drama "Sherlock".

This is mostly just YES THIS with a large dose of WOW MY CHILDHOOD LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT encased in a few giant, run-on paragraphs. 

Also, let me just get modesty and such out of the way: labeling yourself as intelligent is such a Not Done thing (made even worse by societal expectations of women, but that's another rant), and I hate comparing/being compared to other people because I will always zoom in on the way(s) that I fall short, so this entire thing is extremely uncomfortable to write.  But if I keep apologizing every time I refer to the fact that I consider myself part of this group of Super Screwed-Up Super Gifted Super Freaks, it will be even more uncomfortable to read.  So.  Blanket "blah blah, I don't mean that other people are dumb, blah blah my self-worth on good days approaches that of a rock covered in toothpaste blah blah".

Read more... )

And okay, this has gotten too long and I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore because I'm kind of upset now, but blah.  There it is.  I'm not sure there's any meaning or even relevance in any of this wordvomit, but have some stories about me.

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Just testing out the "post from email" option.  For the third time, as it's not liking me.  Perhaps it's on a lag, and because I just set it up a few hours ago it takes a while for LJ to acknowledge that this email is an accepted post-from venue.  Or they're all backed up in LJ and will all post at once.  Either way, some three-plus copies of this will probably show up at some point, LOL.

Third time failed, and thus we're posting from Semagic as usual. Don't know why that's not working, but the above reasons are probably at least part.

So, Psych on Friday? Not a fan. Really just wasn't very funny, IMO. The whole Lassiter scene was quite touching, but we'd all called it from the very beginning and his lovey speech didn't really fit with the overall tone of the show. I kept asking myself where the joke was.

Did not get to watch Dollhouse, but my worries from the beginning about how it didn't sound that good are being reinforced by the vague reviews I'm hearing from others that did see it. Showed Dr. Horrible to the mother yesterday, who enjoyed it quite a bit (though she wasn't crazy about how it just ended), so weekend Joss fix = accomplished.

I'm at home atm for the long weekend. I should be leaving around 4 tomorrow to get back for a mock trial meeting Monday night, but I don't think that's happening, as BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY IS COMING TO SPEAK HERE. And since he's kinda one of my favorite guys of all time (you should hear me quote things like "Science rules" or burst into giggle fits anytime anyone says "Consider the following"), it wins. Must come up with a good excuse for not being able to come to MT, though I really shouldn't have to as I could make every single other meeting we've ever even proposed having. Still not looking forward to that in general. I'm sticking with the distancing myself plan, as then I can resist taking over and rewriting everyone's everything and can brush it off when since I didn't rewrite stuff, we get our asses kicked in two weeks.

Had lobster for the first time yesterday. Yum. It wasn't even good lobster (so says my dad; naturally I have no comparison), but I'm a huge fan of the richness (which is actually what Dad says was lacking in this one, so I can't wait to taste a good one). And scallops, though I think I've tasted them before. Fan of both, but the lobster more; I liked the scallop but it wasn't really anything new, delicious but not different from other seafoods like the lobster was in its richness. That's what my parents did for Valentine's Day, LOL, Dad bought lobster and Mom bought scallops and they cooked them up just in the kitchen and ate them at the table. I'd make a recession joke, but that's always what they've done, really, because they like homemade food. I trust nobody noticed my switching to my ancient, made because of a challenge I misread the rules for and so never actually entered it into, Valentine's NCIS icon, which was my only concession to the day.

[[There was at one point a whole huge thing here that I went back and added after finishing the rest of the post where I segued into Valentine's Day being my paternal grandmother's birthday and the whole situation with her and my dad and her health and such, but it became too long for this post and not the right attitude to then jump back to my sister being a socialite, so that will come in a separate post.]]

My sister is quite the social animal, I'm realizing. I mean, I knew that, but sort of forgot as with other people's vacations and such there wasn't much of it over Christmas. I come home Friday and she's having a Friday the 13th party with some 5 preteen girls (interestingly enough, two-maybe-three of whom have parents who teach in our school district; one of them math at the high school who actually recognized me despite my not ever having him nor spending more than one hour a day in the math building and none last year nor even ever having a conversation with the man, I don't think, which was somewhat weirding, though less so as he was quite nice). She spent Saturday afternoon out somewhere, and spent today making plans for people to go with her to BILL NYE OMG tomorrow. I mentioned to Mom, "Aren't you glad that you managed to skip this with your first two?" She responded with an emphatic yes.

I'm kind of jealous, though. Not of the socialization, as I tend to find that tiring, but idk, of the happiness she gleans from it? I do remember a time in elementary school when I loved going to parties and such, but it seems like people don't just get together and have fun just for the sake of it anymore. Since. . . hell, probably 8th grade, there was either a reason (a birthday or event) or (usually 'and') alcohol involved. Since none of my friends drank (most not at all, and never around me), it was like we didn't have that reason to get together that "mainstream teenagers" did, so we just didn't.

Or maybe they did all through high school and just didn't invite me. Tis a distinct possibility, as it's pretty easy to admit that Katie was the only person I was really close to. Which is why it really sucks that we aren't really talking anymore. I made some reference to something we used to do, one of our many collective quirks, and Mom asked if I'd talked to her recently, and I sort of scoffed and said no. Mom was like "What, are you mad at each other or something?" and I was really sort of idk, proud that I was able to say "Well, I am, idk about her." Because you know what? I am pissed that I made an effort to stay in touch and I wasn't getting any help with it, and I'm damn well allowed to be (/part of Alexandria's "not everything is your fault, Ms. Self Esteem Fail" campaign). She was always the more social of our pair, so she knows that my making the effort was an especial stretch for me, and yet I haven't heard from her since probably September. Mom says that she and my Aunt Beth didn't talk for most of college, and yet got back together enough that she's my godmother (though idk how much they've talked beyond notes in Christmas cards in the last few years).

And in completely different news, I'm pissed off that my dad/I didn't go ahead and buy NFL swag off of this Fox Sports website that was having this killer sale, as sometime today the sale died. It was killer. $2.50 hats, $7 shirts, $12 jerseys? We're talking easily 75% off. I would have worn Denver stuff every day (and actually bought a coat that fit me--as much as I lovelovelove my Denver Broncos coat, a good part because it was my Dad's and is huge and comfortable and you can settle down in it for the winter, because it was my dad's and is huge it doesn't trap body heat especially well when the wind blows like it does in Springfield because there's just too much air between you and it to try to keep warm under the bitter onslaught.

Figured out in a burst of figureoutedness (finding the word I want fail) that the headaches I've had all weekend are from caffeine withdrawal, LOLOL. At school, I've got a glass of soda (invariably at least 18oz, usually closer to 24+) with both lunch and dinner every day, unless I'm trying to be good and abstain, which usually lasts all of a day at most. Come here, and practically nothing. I was really pleasantly surprised that taking a Tylenol worked, though; I've got it in my head that NSAIDs don't work on me, which I think is the case because I take them so rarely, usually only when I'm actually in the midst of a full-out illness (and usually not even then unless I've got to suck it up to make it through school, as I'm of the mind to try to fever things done with quicker), so they can't relieve all the sick. When it was just a medium-strength headache and I grabbed some just because they were right next to me and I figured what the hell (and also "oh god, oh god, please do not be the beginnings of a migraine" as I've had surprisingly few lately *knock on everything solid within reach* and feel like I'm due), Tylenol could do it.

I really want a soda, LOL. Or anything, I suppose, but there's an empty can of Diet Coke over near me and the caffeine monster WANTS THAT and not the lukewarm last bits of a water bottle next to it.

/test of the emergency broadcast system email posting. Chances are this will have to be cleaned up as idk if it will handle coding or anything, but I'm hopeful. Could be handy, as I tend to log in to my email on any computer I'm on for more than a few minutes (in a computer lab or something), but logging into LJ is rarer and that extra step is a deterrent from posting. Though the fact that oddly, the Firefox built in spellcheck doesn't appear to be working right now is similarly a deterrent. Idk what's up there.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Criminal Minds)
It feels like there's some kind of a three or six or someodd-week window (they always give the parents some amount of time that you're not supposed to visit your kids for that reason) where things are supposed to click and you're supposed to adjust to being away from home and I somehow missed it. It's not even like I was particularly close to my family in the first place; yeah, I love them and all, but I spent most of my time when I was at home in my room by myself. It kinda scares me, you know, in the ferocity of this. . . it's not homesickness, really, so much as it is hate-thereness, I think. I've got no idea. I can't articulate why I dislike it there so much (sure, I can bitch about whatever issue is currently pissing me off, but it's more a general loathing of the entire situation), but to sort of put things into perspective, I checked my Outlook calendar that I've got all my class times and everything typed into this afternoon and had a panic attack over the prospect of going back there. Not even just worked myself into one, which I'll do if I'm upset and let it compound, but it was sudden--there wasn't even a semi-conscious thought process of "Oh, man, schedule. I've got class on Monday. That means I've got to leave home. And go back to school. I hate school! *freaks*", it just hit--and it lasted a long time. And even after the actual attack was over, I was mentally shaky and feeling all self-destructive and bad.

So that's no fun. Break in general, though good at the beginning, got pretty not-enjoyable. As Dad got a call from bum Aunt Chris (re: bum--see the last time I made a post where things happened almost exactly like this) saying that Grandma had her second stroke this week (our reaction: OMGWTF THANKS FOR TELLING US AFTER #1) and somebody misrepresented/misunderstood/whatever the gravity of the situation (we sort of think that Chris needed a break from helping Grandma extra over the last few days when one of these last strokes mussed up her mobility, and she let Dad believe that things were really bad so he'd come down and help out. My opinion? You're living in your mother's house, driving her car, supplementing your measly sales income with her social security and your father's pension; bitchplease, shut up and help out your mother) and it essentially boiled down to Mom spending all of Friday writing out lesson plans for next week in case she had to get a sub for a funeral and Dad and Tyler leaving within about an hour of the initial phone call to go down there.

She's doing a lot better, Dad says--if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: if I inherit anything from this woman (besides, erm, breasticles), please let it be her stroke resiliency. I have no idea how many she's had, but she shuffles around for a bit (worse than usual--I think one of the early ones screwed her gait up, because she's shuffled more or less since I can remember noticing), has some short term memory loss (she loses a couple of days around the stroke that I'm not sure she ever gets back, and loses larger chunks of time/people transiently for a short period but does get that back), but that's it. You know, I think. It's hard to tell when I see her as rarely as I do what's stroke and what's just oldperson.

It was weird that afternoon. I was all lol!emotional vulnerability. I'm usually the stoic one in things like this (not even because I'm trying to or anything, just because I'm fairly cool with death), but was all . . . not. I think (self-psychoanalysis time!) I was picking up on the emotionally charged atmosphere with my dad freaking out (he really thought he needed to get down there quick until he called right before leaving to tell Chris that he was coming down and his mom answered the phone, LOL) plus my subconsciously being a selfish bitch pissed that my first visit home was getting screwed up by this by itself, and more so by Dad and Tyler leaving, plus the whole situation being reflective of how I've been more fearful lately because my dad's diabetes got bad (and by bad, I mean good--his doctor was happy with his control, but her happy meant he was having lows a lot more often. With diabetes, high kills your organs and you over time, lows kill you overnight, especially once you become less sensitive to them as everyone does; then it takes a glucose of say 40 to give you the shaky warning--or you lose the sick feeling altogether and skip straight to the disorientation, like Dad now does--that 70 once did, even though the setpoint of unconsciousness at 30 hasn't changed, you've just got less warning to do something about it) right before I left, and how I feel out of the loop of the whole family everything, and the fact that (as evidenced by the later-occurring/aforementioned panic attack) I seem to be an emotional wuss.

But yeah, he called and Grandma picked up, which surprised me because, you know, I sort of figure post stroke -> hospital. But then again, bumaunt earned the bum title from last stroke Grandma had last year when she didn't make her go to the hospital (Grandma didn't realize that there are things you can do for strokes now because I think her last one was a while back, so she just made an appointment with her GP for Monday morning), so perhaps not that surprising--I've yet to hear the medical story. From my side of the conversation (just listening to Dad talk to her), it sounded like she was doing pretty well. So then it became more of an "I have the weekend, if she's had two strokes in a week things can't be good no matter how well she bounces back, so I'd better go and be with her while she's still there mentally and before she doesn't bounce back as well one of these times", which I totally understand is still filled with that urgency for him--he's mentioned before that one of his biggest regrets about when his dad died is that he didn't get down there until after he was only in-and-out (and mostly out) mentally.

Dad's hoping to leave really early Sunday to get back around noon (yeah right, but hopefully) so we have a few hours to hang out before I've got to leave. Still not like I'd hoped--we were going to go fishing on Friday, and then he and mom had signed up for a canoe trip together all day Saturday, and I was supposed to be able to do about a bazillion things I'd planned and didn't get to because I've been feeling off.

Weekend update: Alexandria Edition

All this hooplah on Friday. Didn't do much else. Bummed around playing Sims: Castaway Stories (beat that in two days, somewhat disappointingly, and I'm not crazy about the gameplay for the open ended bit as it feels much more limited than the Life Stories one did), went to Sam's with Mom, exercised, had a nice feta, corn, roasted chicken, and Italian dressing salad for dinner (it's crazy--salad's all I eat at school, and yet throw in the chicken and the feta and the dressing, none of which are available there, and it's a totally different and significantly more delicious animal), did some more computer bumming, went to bed.

Saturday: was planning on getting up early to workout at 8, do the yoga class at the gym at 9 (as I've been paying them for several years for free group classes included, and when do they finally get classes at my location? About three weeks after I leave), and then leave at 10 to go see Obama at noon, followed by further shopping (the rest having been done with Mom Friday night) for the church family night chili dinner, which I'd then go down to around 4 to start stuff cooking (some eight pounds of pasta, mostly, as well as prepping plain spaghetti sauce and salad) for dinner at 6. The first two didn't happen because I was up until 5 or 6 playing around on the computer. The third didn't happen because I was getting ready to go and turned on the TV and heard that there were some thousands and thousands of people that had been down there waiting for hours already and the gates didn't even open for another 30 minutes, and that if I went, the time spent looking for somewhere to park (even in the closest Metro carpark; almost especially so, as it's the only one that even approaches the county, so it's always packed) would singlehandedly offset any benefit from Obama's energy plan. Went to the Jewish Community Center's costume sale instead, and picked up a bunch of stuff for Dad's classes for cheap. They had pretty much a whole set for doing Beauty and the Beast that I really wanted, but it wasn't exactly what he was looking for with his kids doing Shakespeare and all. Got a really nice dress, though, that I think is perfect for mideval stuff, as well as a flouncy underskirt that I'm saving for my colonial costume for taking Kaci to the Feast of the Hunter's Moon next year with the middle school Fiddlers.

Then I ran about shopping for church dinner food some more because the costuming took longer than I expected (I was looking for "the auditorium" instead of it being inside the auditorium inside the community center), and finally got back and did the food. Served the Catholics in my Obama t-shirt and got more pleasant comments than I expected, especially considering that it's almost always just old people that come to these things (which sucks, as it's family night and there's never really any family mingling because the old people all just stick together in the same groups and tend to exclude anybody that's not been in the church since before the last ice age--I mean, my parents have been going there since before I was born, and yet 90% of their conversations have to do with church stuff way before that). There were really no comments at all besides a handful of people asking if I went and a few that I knew--Rick, my volleyball boss and my friend Celeste's mom-- and one other random guy actually articulating support. Not even Father Jim had anything really to say save some remarks about how it seemed the entire city was there (but then again, I've been told he doesn't talk nearly as much anymore after he had a stroke a bit after I left, which sucks, both because I really like him and because he's always been v. v. softspoken and shy to begin with), which was a tad disappointing because I'd have loved to go three rounds on how the Catholic policy on birth control is an abject violation of their claim to honor and preserve the sanctity of life with somebody there.

Thing that made me angry: 8 people signed up to bring chili, 4 did because fail--even when my mom and the mother of a schoolmate of Kaci's brought some without having been included in the 8 count, we still ran out of all the "normal kinds" very quickly with only about a spoonful of ground turkey chili (that I think had been left for gone, but I managed to scrape it out because that was the one I wanted), and a little of each a v. hot white chili and a v. mild gluten-free chili left when the noodles line had finished and I got over there to see what was left, less than 20 minutes after mass ended. We had plenty of spaghetti and sauce left, though, so nobody totally missed out.

Then exercised, then hit up a couple of stores on the way home (the Farmer's Market because I wanted to check on pumpkin prices and because fruits/veggies yum, Big Lots because mom told me to grab some extension bar thing that I got the wrong one of--prolly because the best I can describe it as is "extension bar thing"--followed by Walgreens because I had thought that they had free after rebate stuff that I wanted, but it turns out that it was last month), then got mom to glob my hair up with henna while watching Andromeda dvds followed by the opening sketch of SNL (assuming Palin wasn't in any of the rest), then spent the last several hours (literally) writing this.

Whew. Caught up, more or less. Far more detail than anyone cares about, but ehh.

There's a list of things I want to do tomorrow, including going bowling, to this Natural Living Expo, carving a pumpkin, and tie-dying a shirt (all of which sound sort of random but are in fact quite easily possible), but I've got to leave before 7 and Kaci's got two soccer games tomorrow. After having (missing, actually, as nobody realized) one yesterday, because they're making up for the fact that they were rained out some 3 weeks already this season--I tell you, she got signed up for this city team rather than play with the school like she used to or the church like I used to, and they're a bunch of wusses. Both the city (not even our city, LOL, but one a bit farther West that we tend to mock a bit; I have no idea why that one, but somehow a bunch of her old teammates from the school team that didn't get going this year for whatever reason all went out there) and the school teams are, though the latter will at least play in the rain. I have pictures from when I played for the church of us playing in a freaking ice storm. (I assume--the playing happened, and pictures tended to happen, though I couldn't tell you where they'd be.) Us Catholic sports girls took our shit seriously.

Concluding thoughts (at least until I come up with more):
I'm almost painfully thirsty and have been for the last 500 words or so, but don't feel like getting out of bed until I'm done and am about to go to sleep.

The plastic wrap extension to my shower cap holding my henna'd hair in (too much hair, LOL, especially when thickened by goop) keeps sliding down and covering half of my eyes. I can't get it to stay up.

My laptop has another screen glitchy bit (this one's just a dark spot that looks like it's just a drop of scum on the screen until you get close and realize that it's underneath). I found out, though, that there's a place only about 20 minutes away from here that does warranty repair, so I won't even have to ship it in.
Best Buy was trying to tell me over the summer when I first asked that I had no warranty at all on this thing since I didn't buy theirs and had to give it to their Geek Squad to fix (which they couldn't do, as this is a manufacturer only replacement) for mucho dinero, the thieving arses.

I iz headached. Off and on the entire time I've been here. But my Springfieldhumidity-induced acne is almost totally gone after only two or so days. It's weird, considering that St. Louis is the place that people joke "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" about, because of all the rivers, not Springfield.

Speaking of weather, *temperaturegasm*. God, it's beautiful. You turn the air conditioning on in the car if the sun's shining on you, but I ran to get something out of the car around 10:15ish before SNL and was hustling because it was chilly and the grass was quite cold. It's camping weather--it might be a tad too cold to be really comfortable at night outside (at least for me, as I've got a very range of comfort I can fall asleep in--even if it's totally fine during the day, the same temperature at night and I'll be far too frozen to sleep), but it's the exact kind of crisp cool that would make sitting in front of a fire just amazing.

I'm falling asleep while I write this. Holy crap, I started typing this easily 2 hours ago. Nonstop typing, pretty much (at least for the last hour of it since I first really looked at the clock), not even the normal "type some, fool around playing a game/checking email/whatever, type some more, etc." thing.
commotiocordis: (Seven/B'Elanna)
Me: I might take Educational Psychology this year, mum.

Her: Why? It's boring, don't take it. I've taken it, it's horrible.

Me: Well, it sounded okay. And I might need it. I'm thinking of minoring in education.

Her: *looks at me somberly* Don't go into education, Alexandria.

LOLOLOL. That from a teacher.

I can seriouslyseriously see myself doing it, though.

But idk if that's because I'd actually like it (I'm pretty sure I would, because I like kids, but it would always not be my first choice thing, I think) or because I'm afraid of going for medicine and failing and just want to take the easy way instead of risking that. Prolly a combination.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I just had the really odd, random impulse to snog somebody. Really heartily. Leg-kicking, pulled off your feet type snog and accompanied by a bone-crushing embrace.

Idk where that came from. Angsty Remus/Sirius fic makes me want to kiss people. Nuts, I am.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
There's this poem, by Adrienne Rich. Some fic I read once linked me to a different one of this set of 21 as inspiration for the story, but it's this one that my mind keeps coming back to.

I can see myself years back at Sunion,
hurting with an infected foot, Philoctetes
in woman’s form, limping the long path,
lying on a headland over the dark sea,
looking down the red rocks to where a soundless curl
of white told me a wave had struck,
imagining the pull of that water from that height,
knowing deliberate suicide wasn't my métier,
yet all the time nursing, measuring that wound.
Well, that’s finished. The woman who cherished
her suffering is dead. I am her descendant.
I love the scar-tissue she handed on to me,
but I want to go on from here with you
fighting the temptation to make a career of pain.

I want to be that woman. Some days, I think that I am.

I see my-some days/someday-self in this her/me. But then I'm not sure if it's romantic delusions or wishful thinking or some kind of hope, because I look into the not-too-distant past or the present or where it feels like I'm going and I'm still staring down at the rocks.
commotiocordis: (QPicard)
Classes are winding to a close and I find myself quite miserable.

I haven't been able to turn in that history paper that I wasn't writing when I was sick because of my stupid teacher complex. It's worse this year than ever before; I'm simply incapable of turning things in late (even if it was because I was sick) because I hate drawing attention to myself in that way. And it screws me over something fierce; without this paper, I've got a C for semester at best. Turn it in, I might be able to pull a B. (And it's only not an A because I pulled the same shit the quarter before this one, was sick and never made up a couple of quizzes or turned in one assignment and ended up with a D for first quarter.)

And the problem's the worst with this one teacher. I don't know why. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to turn this paper in. But now I've let it get two weeks late, so it's even harder, you know? That's the problem with this weirdothing of mine. I make up some excuse to myself or conveniently forget for days and days and days, and it gets worse and worse because whatever was due/needed to be taken longer and longer ago.

I'm doing something I never do now, though, actually checking my grades on the online thing. I never do it because I just don't want to see, honestly, because I've totally fucked up my life this semester, and the few times I do look I tend to close the page wanting to die.

Yeah, right now it's a D- in history. I've got to fucking turn that thing in. But I can't exactly walk up there and go "Here, I know it's 2 weeks late but I've developed this gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear of talking to teachers and so in order to avoid all confrontation, I've simply not handed it in until now; even though every day when I walk through the door I plan to give it to you, I freak out or rationalize some excuse about why it's not a good day and end up just not being able to. But I'm actually doing it now, because I'm not fucking ending the year on such a horrible note, with me giving in to this stupid shyness shit I thought I beat back in elementary school. That and if I actually end up with a D on my report card for semester I think I probably will kill myself because as of right now I've not been seeing many reasons not to," because I'll either not do it at all or end up crying because I've been so miserable lately and I'm not going to fucking cry in front of my history teacher, because I know a lot of my problem with handing in things late is that it makes me look weak and leaves me vulnerable and stuff and crying will do both to a factor of 10.

And I just did the math and there's no way for me to pull a B in history at all. I thought the D from 3rd quarter was higher than it was, making it possible, but no. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I went from As in all but 2 classes first semester to maybe one A in the bunch, a bunch of Bs, and either a C or a D depending on whether I keep fucking myself up and hand in this bloody paper or not.

I know I've said this a bazillion times, but I've got the biggest feeling of desperation right now because I don't know what I'm going to do. I almost want to just ask somebody else to hand the paper in for me, or slip it in his desk or something, but I have a feeling that if I don't explain something that there's no chance I'll get any kind of credit for it. I wanted to talk to the counselor at school about it when I was in there on Thursday working on scheduling stuff but blaming it on there not being enough time, I fucking chickened out there too and didn't even mention it. I'll probably have to try to talk to her about it again, though, because I know with my mood right now that I'm going to end up crying when I'm trying to explain it, but at least with her there's the female factor so it's less intimidating (I seriously think the fact that he's a man has something to do with why it's worse with him than some of my other teachers. I don't understand why I've all of a sudden developed a man-complex, but I just realized that I pulled the same crap a few weeks ago and never made up a quiz for my Spanish teacher, who's also male, suggesting more than a little correlation there) and the fact that she already knows that I've been having problems this year and so maybe can help me talk to him and put in some kind of good word behind my back that will make him a little more amenable to giving me credit.

Yes. I've been stressing about exams and this and such, which I think has contributed both to my uber bad allergy attack these last few weeks (it's never been this bad in my entire life) and the severity of this hormonally-induced mood downswing (this version of the pill has done nothing for me-didn't fix the moods, didn't lessen the cramps, didn't shorten/lessen the actual period, nothing. I'm going to have to get switched pretty soon, as I think after 3 months I should be seeing something). And both of those have equaled me not studying for the big chemistry exam on Tuesday (meaning tomorrow, damn it), which have equaled more stress and miserableness in the big neverending cycle that I've acknowledged but not been able to break free from all year.

So if any of you have magic telepathic history teacher mind-bending grade-changing powers and would like to aim them my way, that'd be lovely. Otherwise, I've got to suck it up and go talk to him. Perhaps if I give him the paper and maybe ask him if I can take a final or something (as the class is exempt) to boost it a couple of points?
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
So. I'm really stressing about this mock trial thing tomorrow today. Because I don't have my stuff memorized. And I really need to, because evidently I got docked big time for using notes first round. Umm, it's specifically in the rules that you can't dock for using notes, but they do it anyway, which pisses me off.

School is probably more stressing right now. I'm behind in everything, but the quarter ends Friday, so all the time that I thought I had to gather courage and ask teachers to be able to make up work is gone. And even if they agreed to let me, between mock trial Tuesday and Thursday, preparing for it tonight and Wednesday, I have no evenings to do this work. My report card's going to suck, I'm not going to be able to bring my grades up for semester at all, and I'm going to be right back where I used to be, with straight Bs and prolly a couple of Cs at the rate I'm going. It's totally different from previous years, though, because back then it was more "Oh, I do just what I need to to get by", but now I can't force myself to work. At all. I stress and get sick whenever I think about it, so I don't work, trying to avoid said stress, but really just cause more by not doing the work. I've said this all a thousand times, but it's never helped me.

Mock trial coach lady yelled at us on Sunday for bitching about the team combination thing. I was going to defend myself (because she made it seem like we were defaming the personal qualities of the people on the team while that was not the case; we simply discussed how their skill wasn't up to par and mainly how we disagreed with the policy. With the skill bit, it's the same way that you would say "Yeah, so and so's not good at math, really.") and explain that we're simply in disagreement with her decision to select the team in that manner, but the group she was bitching at was comprised halfly of people who weren't involved at all, so were I to start talking back, it would drag them into it and I didn't want to do that. She wants me to wear this suit jacket thing of hers, though, which is pretty much too small. I'm like "Okay, but I can't so much button it as not." She's like "Yeah, that's fine". I'm not crazy about it, honestly, I'm a fan of my mostly unbuttoned red long sleeved dress shirt and low cut black tanktop underneath when we're going against co-ed and guys' schools. Kidding, but it's more comfortable than trying to smush a tight jacket on top of that.
Speaking of, I've got to go find my pants. They were in the bathroom for a while, but I finally threw them down the laundry chute a few days ago. So they're in the laundry room in the basement somewhere. Which means that they're undoubtedly wrinkly (even though these pants are really good at staying unwrinkled, there's only so much they can take) so I'll have to get up early and iron them. Grr. Though not, I guess, because I'm pretty sure I'm going home before trial like I usually do (for just an hour or so, but I can't stand being away from home for 16 hours like that without time to sit down and relax).

English journal conferences this week. Realized I haven't been doing my journal at all this quarter. I have maybe four pages of it. Shit. And my grade is hugely riding on this thing. I heard one girl had one zero and it brought her down to a 79%. My one zero in that class is for a huge thing. I've got to be practically failing.

Spanish test tomorrow also. Same with bio. Both grades also riding on these tests. Got a 73% on the last Spanish test (I, along with more than half the class, got one entire conjugation section wrong for some reason) and I never do well on the vocab quizzes, so I doubt I've got higher than a B- in there at the moment. Bio is easy, but I don't know this stuff that well (as he really didn't teach it, grr) and it's all diagrams and such to draw and essays. Multiple choice I can get, because those tend to be easy, but I have to diagram from scratch a bunch of stuff. Grr.

Started a book Sunday evening, finished it this afternoon: Trial by Journal by Kate Klise. It's a kids' book, really, but I thought it was entertaining. It's a quick read, something to do while you're lounging around and want to do something easy but fun for two hours. Twas cute. I had started going back through and rereading the Everworld books, but I can't find my copy of book 3, so I stopped until I can locate it (I'm not one for reading out of order when I've not read the books for several years) and my sister really loves the Klises' books, and this was lying around, so I picked it up.

So. I'm going to finish this fic I'm reading and then go to bed. Because yay, sleep. I've been doing that a lot lately. Ish. I'm waking up every 2 hours or so, more and more frequently as it gets closer to morning. I'm falling asleep for 15 minutes and then waking up as it nears 6:30. So I'm having to sleep for longer periods to counter the fact that I'm not getting good sleep. I've given up on the whole stay up to do work thing. I don't do the work anyway, so why the hell am I staying up? It's odd, though, if I go to bed at 10ish and get up at 6ish (like I did Sunday night), you'd think I wouldn't always be as tired as I am. My mum makes these comments about how I spend all my time sleeping, and I'm like "But I don't--I can't sleep most of the time!" I get really defensive about it, for some reason. An odd one, I am.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
My left knee is still being horrid. Dumb bitch of a joint.

And I kinda feel like crap right now. Because my mum was yelling at my brother for schoolish stuff and I realized that what I'm doing is the exact same shit he's been doing for a long time, the not doing work stuff. I don't know why he doesn't do it, but the end result is the same. He's got tests he missed that he's never made up, so do I. He's got homework/assignments from January that he hasn't yet turned in. So do I. I wager the test thing is the same reason as me, the not wanting to go up to a teacher and ask. It's the same reason I'm going to end up not applying to this summer medical program--I can't muster up the fucking nerve to ask a teacher to write recommendations. I need to get over myself and suck it up and ask if I can still make some of this stuff up (because I think--that's a lie. I know-- that I missed another history quiz recently, I'm also missing a lab for chemistry and probably loads of other stuff that I actually have forgotten). And it's so late, and the teachers shouldn't let me make anything up, but I think they would if I explained my situation. Problem is, I can't handle that. I'm not good at telling people things, particularly people that can really influence my life. I feel that so many of the decisions I've made for myself in the past years, this year especially, were so unbelievably wrong that anything I do will just screw me over even more. Anyway. I've been being all depressive and miserable the last couple of days, so that's fun.

Mock trial is all drama-y and somewhat entertaining. I was sort of expecting this, but if there was one thing that could drive this big of a wedge between varsity and JV, it was regionals. Our entire team (meaning varsity) is pissed off at most of their team (meaning JV). Okay, mainly just one girl who seems to think that it's her divine right to go to regionals with us. Um, sorry. You didn't make it. She (and quite a few other people on her team, but she's the worst) got this inflated sense of their skill when they scored well in the first round. Well, they didn't in the second round, and all of a sudden they think the other team's cheating by switching up the people on their team so that they played the same part two rounds in a row, thus unfair advantage over those of us who had to switch. Okay, if they are, sure, that's unfair. Prove it. They haven't been able to. They didn't do as well, and yet members of their team are getting to go to one round of regionals at the expense of the members of our team who actually earned it. Does that really make sense? It's like "Oh, the varsity basketball team made it to the state competition! But, you know, the freshman team has been playing really well this year. Let's have some of the varsity people play only half the game and put the freshmen in there."

I don't know. I'm going both rounds for regionals, but I believe that I am one of only three who are. And the people on our team who only were able to go one round in prelim/normal competition don't get to move on at all. And instead, we get people such as the one I mentioned before, who, frankly, sucks. I feel like a bitch for complaining so much about her, but she does. She gets up there and the things she says aren't even in sentence form. I don't remember exactly what she said in her closing last round, but when I first heard it I just shook my head because the first thing out of her mouth was some kind of compound fragment. If, by some bizarre chance, she ends up assigned to do the closing for either regionals round, well, it's not happening. I don't care if I have to simply stand up faster than she does when the judge asks for closing arguments, she's not doing them. But I think it will be Ryan, so that's no problem. If it were simply a thing of she needed questions for examinations written for her, I'd be fine with that. I've done it before, I'll do it again. But she can't deliver them. She (and, sadly, most of the people on her team and one, though she's better than last year, on ours) can't diverge from planned questions once they're written. So, for example, if she asks question one, but the witness goes on and answers question two along with question one, she can't handle either skipping question two or, as the case may be, simply rephrasing it to ask about some little a bit in question two that the witness maybe didn't cover. They ask the question two anyway. Flexibility is the most important thing in these competitions. The ability to think on your feet, to rebut even when you weren't expecting the objection you just drew, you know?

I'm worried, I guess I mean. I don't care that we're not going to get anywhere beyond regionals, I never expected us to get this far. It was pure luck that we got put up against teams that were comparable to/worse than us in skill this year, more luck that the judges we got were ones whose scoring scale is towards the high side, etc. I just don't want to get up there, go against a really good team, and feel like we could have, should have done better. I don't want to be embarrassed by our new team, plain and simple.

Grr at I hate their dumb 150 favorite stories rule. I was just randomly surfing along and I found some really good stuff, but lo and behold, somehow I was already at 151 favorite stories. I had to go through and delete a bunch of them to put the new ones on. It's not horrible, because I record the title, author, summary, and link of the ones I delete, and they're mostly from fandoms that I'm not into anymore. But I got rid of about 20 or 25 of them last year and then during the great hard drive debacle of 2006, lost the file in which I had saved links to all the ones I took off. Which makes me sad, because though I'm taking off the ones that I'm not hugely into, I still will read them, flip through my list occasionally and find old stuff I haven't read in a while.

Yeah, this last entire section was pointless. Whatever. I haven't done any work; not the chem lab that I told myself I'd work on, not the activities listing/resume thing that I need to write up to give to the teachers that I need recommendations from (like that's ever going to happen), not my english homework (though I rarely ever do that), not the math review assignment (I feel even more like I have to do all the work now that I'm auditing it because I don't want to get yelled at if they think that I made the switch just so I didn't have to do any work) and I'm fucking fed up with this huge anxiety crap that I get whenever I even think about school/work/anything. I'm sabotaging myself and if I don't figure this out I'm going to end up ruining my life even more than I already have.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
So. For a long time, the word in my house has been that when I clean up my room, I'd get moved to another bedroom in the house. And now they're (they being mis padres) actually doing it. Which I don't like. I've got enough stress and responsibility in my life right now that I'm actually actively rebelling against the responsibility and such. Dunno why, there's probably some Freudian reason/defense mechanism thing that I could come up with, but for once, I don't really feel like analyzing the why behind the why behind the what. But said rebelling is badbadbad. As I'm not doing my work, mainly. Adding more change to the mix is only making it worse. I can't handle change, especially over something as -- for lack of a better word -- sacred as my bedroom. I cleaned the bloody thing and I couldn't sleep well for 3 days. I was waking up and flipping over and not being able to get back to sleep and I barely got one continuous hour each night. I'm still not sleeping well since because I haven't yet gotten used to the difference in it being clean--something that seemingly inconsequential in the room where I sleep is enough to completely set me off track. I don't have a problem usually (I never sleep as well, but not this poorly) sleeping in other places on vacation or whatever because I know that it's temporary, it's that I know that I'm being shunted over into this room for good that's freaking me out.

It makes no sense, really. I just really like the room I'm in, but my mum decided that my little sister gets it now. Which also makes no sense to me, because my mom's all "you've had that room forever and you kept it all messy and so now you get the titchy room". But, err, I've never had a room to myself. Never. Never has the mess in the room been all or even mostly mine. Even though my sister doesn't sleep in the room that I'm in now (the bigger one), she keeps her stuff there and as such messes it up even more than I do because she doesn't have to be in there for long periods of time for sleeping and such. My brother has the freaking master bedroom (his is the biggest, the one I've got now is the next, the one I'm moving to is the smallest) and has had it to himself for years and it's twice as messy as mine ever was and it's all his mess. Does he have to move to a smaller room? No. So I really don't understand why they're doing this to me.

So yes. The room is tiny (there's a minuscule little futon in there right now, and when it's opened and in one corner, you've got maybe a meter on one side and a meter and a half on the other clearance between it and the opposite walls), it's this annoying shade of yellow (seriously. Yellow. It's all cutesy or whatever for a baby's room, which is what it was originally painted for: to be the playroom of sorts when I was born, but it's annoying and goes with none of my furniture), and did I mention TINY? It's maybe half the size of my old room. We're talking you probably get bigger accommodations in Rikers Island.

And the sad thing is that they're practically bribing me to get me in there. I dunno, it's not so much bribing as it's they want me to like the new room even though they're forcing me into it. I mean, I was told in no uncertain terms that there's no getting out of it, but they go shopping and buy these really cool black lacyish curtains to replace the closet doors (because they don't really open well) and cover the one window with, and I'm like "Yeah, they're gorgeous, but I still don't want the fucking room." And it's always been "Hey, clean your room and we'll move you into this one and you'll get your own computer." Which is lovely, obviously, but I don't know how a computer could even fit in there. Plus, I highly doubt that they'd let me have the internet on it, and with a computer in my room, if I had to type an english paper, per se, they'd be all "do it on your computer" and I wouldn't be able to get on the internet nearly as much. And that's really mostly what I do on the computer besides schoolwork, which mostly requires the internet anyway.

Whatever. To summarize, I can't handle change so the room moving is freaking me out even though I should be old enough to handle this kind of thing. The entire situation right now is affecting me badly, and I think I really realized how much I've been stressing out about things in that I was in bed at about 3 in the morning but couldn't get to sleep. All night. And this isn't the first time that this has been happening recently. I finally got up at like 5:30 to take a shower and such, because I was coughing (and thus, every time, waking myself up just as I was about to fall asleep) from the dumb cold that I thought I was over but still continues to affect me when I lie down and just generally not able to fall asleep. And I'm being all pissy and overreacting because I'm PMSing like a bitch right now. I think this is the only time that I've ever been pleased, though, that I feel like my uterus is trying to stab its way through my abdominal wall, because this means that I'll be able to start taking the birth control crap soon, which should make next month not suck nearly as badly. It also means, however, that today is pretty much the last time I can eat for the rest of my life because of the dumb weight gain that comes with it. Sadness.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Hee, I've got my email set up now to deliver all lj comment notifications to a folder called "Unreplied LJ comments" so hopefully I won't lose them so much in my 300 someodd message strong inbox. I had tried to do that earlier, more than a year ago, but for some reason it didn't work. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'll find time to answer them, but still. Yay.

Must go to bed. I've got more things to talk about, but I've decided that as I've got to get up early enough tomorrow to take a shower (as I managed to completely forget tonight and my hair is scummy) and take all the trash to the curb for pickup (of which there is a lot because of continued room cleaning), I should probably endeavor to get more than three hours of sleep. Which will not happen unless I fall asleep within the next 20 minutes. Damn.

Oh. And since I actually played volleyball for two games in one match on Sunday (which was funfunfun)? My knees are purple. Badly so. Makes me laugh, because it's all *paleywhitepaleywhite-purplishbrownishyuck-paleywhitepaleywhite* Dumb annoying habit of diving for the ball even when there's no chance of reaching it in time. I realize that there's no chance, and yet I dive. Probably because I want to make it look like I tried to get it so people don't think I'm lazy. Even though there's no chance that anyone would have been able to get it in my position. This needing to please people thing, I dunno.

I had to make a tag for self-analysis. Because I have tags for everything else and I do that so often that it practically deserves its own LJ. Makes me smile, because I realize that most people probably don't spend as much time analyzing the motives behind every unconscious decision/action/thought/dream as I do. Dunno what that says about me.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Continuing to fill up your flists.

Wrote a paper last night. We needed external sources for it, though, and I couldn't find any that would work. So I spent hours searching for the sources thinking that I should play my paper to the sources seeing as how there were so few/no useful ones, thus needing the sources first, instead of just writing the paper, finding crappy sources, and quoting them with total throwaway lines that were already in my paper and don't really say anything hugely meaningful. And I spent a long time looking. Obscure Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories are hard to find literary criticism on. I actually started looking for stuff a little before I went to work, more when I got back (though I was doing other things at the same time, I was at least looking), and then for several hours. Just counting the time when I finally forced myself away from everything else to focus completely on the source finding, I figure I spent a good 3 hours just trying to find things to cite. So. With the source finding, I ended up not finishing it by 6:30 Monday morning (meaning when I've got to stop doing whatever and get dressed and catch the bus) and as such spent most of my class time/lunch all day writing down the last two paragraphs. I was supposed to type them up and send them to the teacher right after school, but then my brother ran in the house to beat me onto the computer and I was too tired to fight with him and fell asleep before he got off. So I'm going to tell her that and send it to her nowish (I still haven't actually typed it, I only just remembered I needed to a few minutes ago) hope she doesn't decide to give me a zero. Hopefully I'll be okay, because my stomach is still all with the urghy lately and I've not quite gotten over whatever it was, meaning sleep is needed like whoa, and she seems to like me.

So yeah. Got home, slept for close to four hours, sister woke me up. Twas niceish, though, because she woke me up to ask me if I wanted to watch Heroes because it was about to start. Couldn't get back to sleep, though, which made me sad. I actually did get about an hour last night, because I realized that I wasn't working on my paper very strongly and decided to get a little bit of sleep and resume working on it even harder (because of the less time as a result of the sleeping) rather than semi-work all night and get no sleep at all. But I'm pretty tired right now, and I've still got a lot to do. With all the sick I've been having lately, I'm so behind it isn't even funny. I'm just trying to get the work done that's due each day and I haven't had time to work on the stuff that's late at all. I'm doing really poorly in all my classes because of it and it's making me miserable, because I've got bad grades and so much work to do, which makes me feel all depressed and bad, which makes me feel up to doing even less work. But I'm dropping calc as a credit course and just auditing it, so I don't have to worry about my miserable grade in there anymore at least.

I don't know what's up with me now. I'm completely avoiding doing all work. Not just procrastinating--I'm not doing it. I've completely given up, and because I don't feel all miserable particularly right now (though my hugely miserable is on a different scale than other people's), I can't figure out why. If I was all hugely depressed and not doing my work, I'd get it. And though I am slightly depressed right now, it's not to the point where it normally begins to impede my functioning this much. I get physically ill when thinking about all the work I have to do/should have done, which just sounds like stress, but I make it worse by then not doing it. You know, come to think of it, this is really just a continuation of my procrastination thing. When I'm not doing the work, I'm usually not thinking about it, meaning that I don't feel all stressed and sick. I used to put it off until the last possible minute because I was avoiding the physical symptoms that come as a result of realizing how much shit I've got to do. (Of course, just doing it immediately and then not having the intermittent stress every time I remember what I've got to do/think about it would be much smarter, but my body doesn't know that and just wants to avoid the pain for as long as possible.) I've moved beyond that to just not doing anything. And I hate it, because I know that not doing it makes it worse because I'm agonizing over not doing it, but my dumb brain wants to avoid whatever is causing the anxiousness for as long as possible, and I've just moved from as long as possible to never.

Defense mechanisms. I'm full of them. I kinda hate my brain.

Especially because it lets me sit here and type things and angst for 2.5 hours when I've still got all this work that I could be doing. *headdesk*
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Kicked that chemistry test's ass. As hoped. Needed a 63 or 65 or something to get an A, I got a 79. Wicked.

Only got 80% or so on the math test, which sucked. There's a very obvious difference between the first day of the test and the second on almost everybody's (mine's a 72 on day one and 87 on day two) because we all tried to do it for a really long time without the calculator before we all sort of picked our heads up at once and told the teacher that it was impossible. Which was entertaining, because it was like telepathy or something, it was literally everybody at the same time. So we only got the calculator for the last 10 minutes or so, which wasn't enough time. I stayed after for a few minutes to try and finish it, but I knew that I couldn't be late again or theatre teacher would have my ass, as I had been late the day before for another test also. So I sucked the first part up, as did everyone.

Was passing fics around today. Made me laugh. In math, I was reading a page and then passing it to Cy, who sits next to me. Through almost the whole story. Except I was missing a page, which saddened me. I had to just tell him what happened on that page. And Katie borrowed my other one to read during her math, which is same hour, different class. Yay for the sharing of the femslash love.

History teacher compounded review assignments, which made me scowl. He assigned one on Thursday due the coming up Thursday (that nobody worked on on Thursday because that was the day before part of our paper was due) and assigned another one today that's due at the end of class tomorrow. Grr. And I've got to revamp my summary of evidence because for some reason he still has a zero for me on that, which has me at like a D for quarter which is badbadbad, but due to my dumb thing, I don't want to give it to him and in doing so remind him that it's a zero. Even though I'm pretty sure I gave it to him way long ago, I might not have, and I don't like drawing attention to what could be my mistake.

So. Week before finals. Tis always a bitch. Got 5 hours of sleep total the week before finals last year. I don't remember if that was winter or spring finals, but I'm thinking spring. Luckily, though, the spanish, biology, and chemistry finals look to be (in order of mention) easy, ridiculously easy, and inconsequential this year. Math is going to suck, as it's 26% of our semester grade and won't bring me up really significantly, but has the power to pretty much fail me if I bomb it. History is going to suck because I don't know shit about it. As he hasn't taught shit about it. I was supposed to have a quiz today in that class--he replaced it with this dumb review assignment which I suppose is better, but annoying--and I realized last night that I had no idea what it was over. None whatsoever. I could not tell you anything we covered since the last quiz. Something about Canada. And John A. MacDonald. And Mounties. I remembered the Mounties. That was it. But then he had us read about Latin America in the book (which I couldn't find and must locate over break) and never talked about that at all, so I was worried that the Canadia stuff was in the last section and the Latin America was all that this quiz was over. Still don't know what it was supposed to be on. Though I really should be working on the dumb due-tomorrow review.

That's another thing. I've noticed that just this year, just these last few months, my procrastination has been taken to another level. It started with me doing things all the day before they were due. Okay. I'm cool with that. Then it became me doing them the night before they were due. Now it's more like me doing them at 4:30 the morning they're due. Or during classes before the class that it's due for, more likely. I've always done that, but it's become more and more, bigger things than just math homework or spanish pages.
And I'm pushing the turning things in late thing as far as it will go. It was a joke among my friends that they'd always say "Oh, Alexandria's not going to be at lunch Wednesday. We've got a paper due tomorrow," because I'd be writing the english papers at lunch. Not really writing, persay, but finishing, writing the last paragraphs or so. But still. I consider myself a master of estimating how long it will take me to do something and doing just enough of it to leave a manageable amount to do in the amount of time I had before class that day. Tis a skill. Don't know where I was originally going with this, so I'll stop.

Yahoo mail's been being a little whore for a week or so now. *pokes* Constantly it's giving me "cannot find server" and it's not my connection problem, as I've tried it at home and at school. And I refresh and it gives me error code 5. A lot. Quite often. Curses.

You know, this assignment wouldn't be that hard if he gave us the stuff we're supposed to compare/contrast with the few that he gave us. Like, the subject is social progress and we're given the 19th amendment for USA and have to fill in a similar event or thingie that compares or contrasts with that for each of Canada and Latin America from 1850-1920 and then define it and explain how it compares/contrasts. And there are 5 categories. Grr. If I could just come up with the stuff, it wouldn't be hard, but I've got no idea what Canada did regarding social progress. They're like us, only 50 years behind and boring. For example: we had a war over independence. Britain just didn't really want them any more and let them go. How lame is that. I would be insulted. It's like being the species that the borg doesn't want to assimilate. <- random Star Trek reference.

December 2014

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