commotiocordis: (Shoebox)
Facebook wants me to friend my best friend from high school.

You would not think this would be a hard decision.

It's just been so long and so much shit has happened (not between us, but individually) and the fact that we're not close anymore hurts so much, and it just feels like being friends on Facebook is such a worthless thing (especially because I know she won't really use it) that I don't want to even bother. I mean, if it's causing me this much grief just from a recommendation on the sidebar, what's it going to be like if I have to see what her life is like now, without me? I was supposed to be like her, happy and doing brilliantly at a top-tier school and with a bright future ahead, and . . . I'm not any of those things.

Our relationship was sort of bad for me at times, because rather than want to compete against her, I'd pull back in classes we shared so I didn't have to deal with the pressure. And I pretty much only had her, while she had some other friends, so I was much more dependent and sort of jealous a lot (but this is usually the case). But at the same time, she made me want to do better. Her opinion of me mattered like no other peer has ever mattered to me before, and I wanted her to be proud of me.

My memories of high school consist of mock trial, orchestra, my ~issues, and Katie. All of them fit into one of those categories. The problem is that senior year, most of them fit into category three, so when I went off to college, I was really distant from everybody. And then I started gaining weight and that was just sort of a symbol of how everything else was falling apart, and I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want to talk to her (or anyone else) because I was afraid they'd want to hang out, and I'd have to make up an excuse because I wanted their memories of me to be how I was near graduation: together, decent grades, a job, and skinny. Which means I hardly want anyone to see me now, when I've pretty much hit rock bottom on all of those things.

Also, there may or may not have been sort of an unrequited love thing going on. I didn't really realize it until years after we'd last seen each other, but I think I spent way too much time angsting over this girl for us to just have been friends, at least on my side of it. I mean, I wasn't sexually attracted to her, but it's definitely the most intense relationship I've ever had. I remember at one point discussing how I'd been planning on us moving in together during college and after, and talking about what we should name our dogs, and she was like "well, I always sort of assumed I'd get married after college" and I didn't speak to her the rest of the day because I was heartbroken. I mean, hello, giant flashing YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER sign right there. But, I mean, it wasn't love as most people would define it, I guess? It was just friendship that was . . . stronger. The if-you-are-blind-and-don't-see-the-subtext Xena/Gabrielle sort of relationship, you know? We actually compared ourselves to House and Wilson more than a few times -- I like diagnostics and puzzles and have the more blatant issues, she's better with people and everyone likes her and she was interested at one point in oncology. To be super melodramatic, I felt like she was the other half of my One Great True Pairing, the really forever BFFs, and now I've lost that, and . . . I mean, I feel like there's only one person in the world for you like that, and when that ends, what kind of hope do you have from there?

Idk. I'm not over her yet, apparently.

Despite not having eaten yet today, I'm going to go to bed now, I think. This is too much and now I'm super angsty and I want her to be my friend again but I just don't see how it could ever work out the way I want it to (I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of gal when it comes to my heart). I know that I would still die for her in an instant, and I don't want to have to think about the fact that she probably wouldn't do the same. THIS IS WHY WE DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS SOCIAL ATTACHMENT THING, SELF. YOU JUST SIT YOUR LITTLE SCHIZOID PERSONALITY OVER IN THE CORNER AND KNIT, IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
So. Wednesday? Fail.

I guess I've got to start out with the night before, which I spent staying up way later than I should have considering I had a cold, only half a root in one of my teeth, massive drugs pumped into me to keep me from noticing that I only had half a root in one of my teeth, etc. I had biology, and I thought I had english (turns out it wasn't due until today, though), and I had to write this campaign speech/essay thing for my econ class's representative to the marketing club spot (a short one, but I have heaps of trouble writing things that are self-promoting already so it actually took me the longest, added to by the fact that I was on pain killers). I finally finished everything but the english, realized it wasn't due until Thursday, and went to bed. Around 2:30 or so, I guess.

I'm still in pain from this whole root canal escapade, so in the morning, I took one of the vicodin that the dentist prescribed. A whole one again this time (I took a whole to get me through the night, but before I was doing halfs every three hours).

After a little while? ('Bout half way through first hour, I'd guess.) Started noticing it. Like, in a "Oh, I think this means that I'm high" way. While I was trying to get some work done. Not very conducive to that. Twas also when I realized that for the second chapter in a row, I'd forgotten one of the huge biology assignments at home. Which is a huge point dock that I can't afford.

2, 2.5 hours after taking it (and right in the middle of Spanish class) I started getting both v. v. hot and nauseous. So I'm sitting there, trying to get my mind to cut through the nausea long enough to come up with the answer to whatever he's asking (because he hadn't called on me in a while, which meant that I was coming up) plus possibly how to ask if I could go to the bathroom/nurse (both easy when I'm not high/sick, but when I am, almost impossible), all while breathing like I'm back on the nitrous to try and quash the nausea.

Next class, english: the hotness hadn't gone away but the nausea had gone down a bit. I get called down to the office for them to ask me if I'd done my make up hours for last year yet. Erm, yeah. In fact, I turned them in the second day of school. I was in fact complemented by the principal for being the first person to turn them in this year. Not only that, but they'd called me down at least twice before so far this year to ask the same question (and caught me and asked when I was in another office working on getting a parking pass). My answer has always been yes, guys. If you lost the papers, let me know and I can get a new set. (I handed them right to you while you were sitting at the computer you could enter them into, but whatever.) Because I'm hanging out in a teacher's room when I'm not scheduled to be on campus, I'm actually working two of them off a day. Considering I only had four to make up to begin with, I've actually got a surplus of about 30 hours or so. So I'd appreciate if you would quit disturbing me, because it's pissing all my teachers off. A bit later, I (and a bunch of other people this time, but still) get called down from the same class for pictures for this award thing. One of the worst days to take pictures of me, I'd think, as if I felt anything like I looked, it was pretty bad. Though TCAB gave me this look/smile thing that made the elementary school girl-esque part of me blush trufax hard and the more adult side spend the entire walk back to class analyzing it.

And then right about noon, the vicodin had completely worn off. *headdesk* A mate offered me half of her peanut butter sandwich, and I forgot and bit it with my left side, and I think my head practically exploded.

12:40 or so, I take some of the acetaminophen (I had re-stolen from my siblings) before economics. Which then sucked. Not only did it turn out I made a bunch of stupid mistakes on the exam the day before by not reading the questions (it asks "which one isn't", and I mark the first one that is without reading the rest of the choices, stuff like that), but the whole class representative thing (that I signed up for only because I figured it'd look good on the resume, but still) was being postponed. The teacher said she didn't remember announcing to the class that you needed to write said essay and get it to her before 7:30 (even though she did announce it) after the other girl that had declared her intention to run for the spot spent the first 10 minutes of class arguing with the teacher about how she didn't "understand why you'd need to tell people why they should vote for you, why can't they just vote?" and about how "1/2 page is so long for something they don't even need!"

And this other girl? The popular whorish type. Basically, my only chance was for her not to actually turn in the essay (which she didn't), but instead of my just automatically winning (like happened with the secretary and social chair positions), the teacher decided they had another day to turn them in. So, since she's giving us the extra day, what if I decided that I wanted to run for secretary? No, those didn't get pushed back because. . . I don't fucking know. I told the teacher that that was bloody unfair, and she tried to justify it (saying that she didn't think she'd announced it, Katie and I told her she did, she said oh well), and then actually managed to track me down to my next class and call me in there (I have no idea how she did it, as I'm not even supposed to be on campus then, but I hang out in one teacher's room anyway so I can take the bus home, which is not on my schedule) to try and "justify" herself some more. I don't even know what exactly she said (though I know it was more of the same and nothing she didn't mention in class), because I was pissed off and in pain and stressed out and damn near tears because of everything.

So yes. Then I just hung out on the computer until the end of the day, working on application stuff, and then I had to go practice with quartet (and sucked, because I hadn't rosined my bow in like evar and didn't think about it to borrow somebody else's because I used to use such strong rosin that I didn't need to more than every few weeks). And then had to leave that early for this conference call because I was on the grant reviewing panel for this Youth Service America organization.

And so I was running around, trying to find a telephone that's not somewhere where siblings will be loud and that actually works (ruling out like all of them), and I finally gave up and got ready to use the main one and just hope nobody decides to turn up the TV when I ran my tongue over my tooth again and decided "Huh. Maybe I should figure out why that feels weird all of a sudden." *looks in the mirror* ZOMGWTF. "MOM, WE'VE GOT TO GO TO THE DENTIST NOW!" The temp filling they gave me? Gone. (Once dad explained to me what it really was, how they expected that to stay for a month until my next appointment baffled my mind. I mean, it's the same stuff marketed in drugstores to fix things until you can get to an emergency dentist appointment, meaning maybe a day at the most.) There's just a gigantic hole in the middle of that tooth.

So I call the dentist, and it's about 5:15 and they're about to close. The nice tech lady from the day before got put on the line (she actually remembered me, which made me feel special, though it was prolly because I was something like the youngest patient to get a root canal evar), and I explained what was wrong, and she was all "When do you go to school?" and I told her, and it was too early to get me in the next day, but since it had to be done, she's all "Do you think you can get here in the next 10 minutes?" And I did (she actually recognized me right when I walked through the door, which made me smile), and everybody else was packing up and leaving, but she stayed and scraped all the old fakeyfilling out (makes me think she's perhaps more of a nurse type than a tech, but idk how the dentistry chain of command works) and put in new stuff (the real kind this time, so it should actually stay, though they'll have to drill it out in October). PLUS SHE ACTUALLY ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS AGAIN, SO I HEREBY APPOINT HER DENTIST AND TELL THE OTHER PEOPLE TO GO AWAY. Another tech/nurse/whatever lady stayed and helped her too, which was nice. And then I didn't have to pay anything (which surprised me, because medicalish places always try to tack on as much stuff as they can--I remember last time my mum was in to have a baby it was all "Adhesive bandage. $7. Pain reliever. $14." for a band-aid and a couple of Tylenol, respectively). I totally missed the panel call, though, which I feel horrid about. I was the only person on the panel that didn't actually work for the organization, and I was pretty excited about doing it.

I got home around 6, and by this time the cold that I'd thought I'd gotten over (that's been coming back and going away repeatedly over the last few days) was back in full swing, plus I'd only gotten a couple hours of sleep the night before, so I went to take a nap. Woke up when I had set my alarm for, around 10:30 so I could get my dad's help on this Shakespeare thing I had to do for english, felt even worse (fever was back), and so decided to just go back to sleep when I still could (you know how you have that grace period sometimes for a few minutes after you wake up and you know that you won't be able to go to sleep if you don't right then?). Woke up this morning in tooth pain plus sore throat/headache/runny nose/the works and, randomly, a stomach ache (prolly from the cold, though, and drainage or whatnot), having had nothing done the night before and the prospect of facing all the crap today, and so decided to stay home.

And that's my story. /lol.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Saw Les Miserables with Alyssa yesterday at the outdoor theatre. Twas interesting; I'd not seen it before (or really even known what it was about beyond "poor people in France during the revolution"). I wish they'd have turned down the sound a bit, though. I was dying any time anybody put a little more oomph into their voices, not to mention the whole gunfire scene. Also the lights? For future reference, theatre people, the audience doesn't like v. v. v. v. bright lights shined from the stage into their eyes, no matter how symbolic the guy falling into the bright light is. I liked it, though. There was nobody that I thought was bad, Jean was good, and it didn't feel that hot as the night progressed, just sticky. Which is almost as bad, but at least we weren't also dying of heat.

Katie's picking me up in a few hours to go to her aunt's house, where we're going to house/dog sit while the aunt's away. That promises to be. . . you know, idk. In all the years of knowing her, I've never spent the night with Katie before. So I really don't know what to expect. Except that I'm totally hijacking the TV when Psych comes on.

I'm sort of disappointed, though, because my family was planning on going bowling, which I like doing (even though it takes me most of the first game to get warmed up enough to be even passable at it), but because I'm leaving so early in the afternoon, I'm not going to get to go. And everybody's gone to various schools to set up classrooms and such, so I can't just say let's go now instead.

And people need to stop calling for my little sister. I swear, she's got 5 million friends that know her phone number, and none of them can ever manage to call when she's actually home.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
From an email from my mate Katie, who's in France with the school's foreign exchange program at the moment:

I've found your gift when I was in Paris and it is safely tucked in my bag. However, I'm still winning at life 'cause guess what: I saw Jason Issacs. The Harry Potter premier was in Paris and we were shopping near the theater where the premier was taking place.

The pertinent bit of my reply:

*kicks self* I should have taken French. I should have taken French.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
I knew that having yesterday off was just too good to be true. Calm before the storm, it was.

Ugh. I had a headache towards the end of school today, and I took a nap when I got home (as I wasn't in bed until like 4:30 yesterday, bad Alexandria) and woke up with a sore throat. Damn it.

The day kinda really started out sucky. I couldn't get my paper printed before school, my bio teacher said we were doing a lab so I couldn't go meet with these people about this med school program (and it wasn't a lab really at all. It was setup for one. Something that I could have had somebody else do for me and be no worse off). I forgot about my bio workbook pages until the last 5 minutes of history (bio being immediately after; usually I just do them in history, but that morning I totally forgot that they had been due Tuesday, and thus were due instead today. I was walking up the stairs to bio and one strap of my backpack/bag thing fell off. I grab it by the handle, growl, and try to fix it as I keep walking. I clip it back on, put the bag back over my shoulder, and then the other strap falls off. I gave up. I was like "No. I am done." We were on the second floor landing, and I just stopped walking in give-up-ness. Katie then grabs my bag for me and hauls it up the last flight of stairs, handing it back to me once we pass my bio room, like the crazynice she is, but then it took me a bit to fix it once in the room, when I then realized that I had forgotten another bio page that I had missed a few days back. Grr for that. And then we start messing with e. coli in bio. I was just like "Okay. With the way my day has been going, I'm going to catch e. coli. I might as fonging well just drink the test tube and cut out the middleman of somebody getting it on my math book or something. Not even waste the time." I didn't drink the test tube because it prolly would have tasted nasty, but still. At lunch, after the bit in the middle that I'm going to talk about in a minute, I realize that I hadn't done all of the stuff for Spanish that I was supposed to (we had to do the work for the whole chapter, I thought it was just the first 3/4 of the chapter that was about the stuff we had talked about), so I'm scribbling that down, end up copying it from somebody at my lunch table, and still don't finish the last set of exercises. And then in Spanish I had the wrong answer when he called on me, which I hate (but it was freaking definite articles. Of the irregular persuasion. Meaning you really just have to memorize whether they're masculine or feminine. Especially when the masc. means one thing and the fem. means another. How was I supposed to know?) and is embarrassing as all get out to me. As I'm pretty good in Spanish generally. And then I got my headache in there about half way through, which carried through to english, which carried through until I got home.

But in the middle of all that, I ended up spending like an hour and a half in the counselor's office today. We were talking about my scheduling and such, but then somehow I ended up basically crying on her shoulder (except for not actually on her shoulder so much as in the chair across from her) and telling her about how I've been all screwed up lately. Man, I love her so much. She undoubtedly had so much to do after the snow day yesterday, trying to catch up with the people who signed up for meetings on Tuesday and didn't get to see her because of the no school and all, and yet she lets me stay in there for the second half of calc, the first 2/3 of theatre, and then again for the first 2/3 of chem. And between fourth and fifth, she was just talking to the honors coordinator guy about how we were going to work my schedule. So basically, for her, it was like 3 hours of Alexandria. Enough to drive anybody mad. And I'm all "I'm really sorry. Here I am crying over your box of tissues, and you've got other stuff to do." And she's like "Umm, no. You don't have to apologize. Ever." And I'm like *loves her*.

So that's pretty great. I had teachery people that I could talk to back at my old school (I could show up whenever at my counselor's office and she'd just let me sit in there with her if I needed to. And ditto with Michelle. They'd both pretty much drop everything if I needed to talk, which was amazingly lucky on my part.), but nobody really at this one, and I think that was bugging me. So I'm glad that she sorta knows what's going on and I can come in there if I need to.

And then there was some good V-day Seven/B'Elanna fic for this using the letters of Valentine's Day as the first letters of your paragraphs/limericks challenge thing (which was a great idea and I'm going to have to try it for the next holiday). And [ profile] xx_housecat_xx told me I was a good beta. Which made me all happy like whoa.

So in conclusion, happy end of Valentine's Day to everyone. (Because it's pretty much a lot better when it's over.)
commotiocordis: (QPicard)
I set a package of shredded cheese out on the counter to thaw (because it was being stored in my freezer) a hour and a half ago. It's still lots frozen. Which means that I still haven't had dinner. And it's 10:30. Grr. And now it's too late to eat, really, so grr again. Not that that will stop me from making a salad as soon as it thaws, but still.

We had this theatre showcase thing on Friday, with the Chekhov plays and such. It went okay, I guess. We needed more work. I didn't get to see any of the bits, though, that I wasn't in, and I've heard they didn't go as well as the two I did. Which is nice/somewhat flattering to think about, that the people liked/understood mine better than the others. I have heard from audience types, however, that the actors weren't so much doing what I directed in the one scene as not. Which is sad.

There were prop issues, namely that in two scenes, people forgot to bring out/bring over the water glasses that were needed. The time I did it, it screwed things up because the lines assumed water was there and though I had the presence of mind to change the blocking to make it look like I was directing somebody towards the water instead of pouring it down their throat, I only slightly changed the wording when there was a way I could have made it make better sense by changing the lines more. But it was on the spot and such, so I didn't think it was too bad. The other time was in the scene that I directed, but it was fine because the only real mention was one actor's line "Give me some water?" and the other one was just like 'Urm, sorry, don't have any.'

And the light girl kinda sucked it up a lot and missed cues and such. Which was bad for us because it was like "And. . . scene. Lights off now. No, now. No lights. And we're still frozen here. Lights off!" etc. And between the second and third scenes, she didn't turn the lights up at all for set change, so I bumped into things. Twice. It was embarrassing. Made me more nervous than I was before, because I was all rattled from stumbling.

And lol at the communal white shirt. There was one white shirt that got passed between three of us for a bit of costume. Which was funny, because you've only got a tiny bit of time between scenes, so we've got the shirt tucked in while we're on stage, but everything that you couldn't see was unbuttoned because as soon as you got offstage (we were using the local middle school's stage because it was small and cute, so 'backstage' was really just the teacher's room that adjoined it) it was like *strips* *passes shirt*.

There was improvyness, which made me happy. In the first excerpt from the Seagull, there's this twisted love thing going on. Trigorin (me) is with Arkadina (Katie). Arkadina sort of flirts with the doctor (Kerry), and so at that bit, I'm all "Um, no. Back off, old doctorman. She's mine." And then Nina (Melissa) comes on and Trigorin's all "Umm, yeah. I'll hit that," and very flirty with his hand on her arm, and then Arkadina comes down between them and is like "Yeahno." And at that part? Best line delivery of the entire show, IMO, on Katie's part. She does the splitting Nina and Trigorin up thing, and is all very fake forced civil to Nina with her "Oh, don't talk like that. When you embarrass him-" and it gets even more forced and obviously angry and she turns to Trigorin "he wishes he could simply disappear." And she hit the last two words with a "Oh, you are so not getting any for the next week for that little stunt," thing and this look that was just amazing. I heart my Katie.

Hee, cheese is more or less thawed. *eats salad*

The director of that scene totally didn't figure any of that out; the whole bit about there being this love quadrangle and how we needed to play it up because it's funny was me. Which made me smile, because people got it and laughed. But at one part, I had mentioned earlier in a rehearsal that I wanted Trigorin to do/say something to Nina (or vice versa) as she's leaving, but the director (being just one of the other people in the class, as we all took turns directing a scene) sorta just blew me off (she's kinda annoying in that manner). And I figured out sort of what I wanted to do and so then when Arkadina's like "Oh, dear, Nina, someone must take you home, darling!" I (being Trigorin, he-who-wants-to-hit-that) was all *steps towards her in a 'oh yes, please let me take you home, sweet!' manner*. And then Katie (being Arkadina, she-who-is-hitting-Trigorin-and-not-liking-Trigorin's-flirting-with-Nina) grabs my arm and pulls me back by her and gives me another look. The first thing that popped into my mind was 'OMG. She just broke character like whoa in order to tell me that I wasn't supposed to exit then or something.' But then I was like 'No, Katie wouldn't do that, she must have just gotten what I was trying to do and played along.' So I was happy that our brains worked together like that because that bit ended up being really funny.

And then there were pictures and I was like "umm, no. I'm wearing a dress. And said dress is sorta tight. Meaning I'm not into the whole 'let's have photographic evidence of how Alexandria has no waist to speak of and annoyingly large boobs' thing" Because even though I had been a man for the second to last scene, I had to give the communal white shirt of doom to somebody else for the last one (the final scene being the one I directed and as such wasn't in), and as such needed to put something back on for curtain call and it would look strange if I was wearing my costume pants and a t-shirt. And I was carrying everything off stage while everybody else (meaning the other five) was talking with friends and stuff in the audience (which kinda really annoyed me, because it was my sister and I who got it all carted to the dressing room/backstage/german classroom.) But then Katie was like "Oy! My da wants pictures." And I was like fine, only because I love you. So there are pictures of me in a dress floating around somewhere. I doubt they're good, because I managed to not bring makeup because I was sick that day. And all week, really, but I actually stayed home on Friday because I had been not getting sleep because of the sick and I knew my acting would be all suck if I tried to make it through an entire school day and stay after until 9:30 (meaning being away from home and not sleeping and instead doing schoolwork and prop carting work and dumb stuff for like 15 hours straight) when I hadn't had more than one hour of unbroken sleep all week. But back to the makeup. I didn't bring any, so I ended up using Katie's for the foundation and rouge and lip stuff (because with the stage, you know, you're all washed out and not fun and so yay stage makeup), which is fine because her foundationy makeup is exactly my color (twins, I say) but I didn't have any eye stuff and I'm already rather pale, so I imagine from the back it was like "Oh, look, there's some floating lips. And rouged cheeks. But no eyes." So I dunno if the pictures are any good because of weird no-makeup on eyes, makeup on rest of face thing. But maybe. We'll have to see when they get developed/whatever.

But I managed to leave both my school ID and my glasses there, I think. Which is sucksucksuck. Because we used my backpack bag thing as a prop, and as such I dumped everything out from the main section at home, but my glasses and ID were still in little front pouches and so they got taken out (or in the case of the ID, fell out) and I didn't realize it and they're still there. (The ID usually is in a different spot where it wouldn't have fallen out of, but I moved it to a bigger holdermajiggy right before the show because you could sorta see the edge of the card in its actual pocket.) Bad because I had to take one of those big standardized test things the next morning, and I didn't have my school ID, so I couldn't. Even though I'd already paid and everything. And then, I go and find out today that since it was at my school, if one of the proctors had ever taught/known me (which would be likely, as there would be several there and I've been at that school for like forever) they could just have identified me and let me in. I didn't know that, so I didn't go, because I figured it'd be a waste of gasoline because they wouldn't let me in. Also found out today? Of the four times that a girl in my english class has taken it, this was the easiest version. And I missed it. Unnecessarily. Damn. $40 someodd bucks down the drain because my dumb ID card fell out of the pouch it was in.
And then my glasses were there too (which is what I'm more worried about) and so I had to borrow my sister's to do volleyball (as we have virtually the same prescription and all) but she had to have them for school, so I couldn't see anything all day today. Like math notes. Or chem notes. Or bio notes. (Though bio is dumb and easy.)

So yeah. Had a dream a week ago or so that basically made me go "Huh. So, whatever crack I was doing in my sleep that night was a bad idea." It involved two people from my school, a sesame street muppet in military clothing, and Bill O'Reilly. Yeah. I'll have to talk about that one later.

Hee at me starting writing this two hours ago. That's what I get for writing three things at once. I jump back and forth and it takes hugely long to finish any of them.

(Hee again at new icon. The coloring is weird because as I don't have that episode, I capped it from a scene in a fanvid. But it makes me smile. I've been all into the Star Trek of late, particularly the guyslash, which is rare for me.)
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Kicked that chemistry test's ass. As hoped. Needed a 63 or 65 or something to get an A, I got a 79. Wicked.

Only got 80% or so on the math test, which sucked. There's a very obvious difference between the first day of the test and the second on almost everybody's (mine's a 72 on day one and 87 on day two) because we all tried to do it for a really long time without the calculator before we all sort of picked our heads up at once and told the teacher that it was impossible. Which was entertaining, because it was like telepathy or something, it was literally everybody at the same time. So we only got the calculator for the last 10 minutes or so, which wasn't enough time. I stayed after for a few minutes to try and finish it, but I knew that I couldn't be late again or theatre teacher would have my ass, as I had been late the day before for another test also. So I sucked the first part up, as did everyone.

Was passing fics around today. Made me laugh. In math, I was reading a page and then passing it to Cy, who sits next to me. Through almost the whole story. Except I was missing a page, which saddened me. I had to just tell him what happened on that page. And Katie borrowed my other one to read during her math, which is same hour, different class. Yay for the sharing of the femslash love.

History teacher compounded review assignments, which made me scowl. He assigned one on Thursday due the coming up Thursday (that nobody worked on on Thursday because that was the day before part of our paper was due) and assigned another one today that's due at the end of class tomorrow. Grr. And I've got to revamp my summary of evidence because for some reason he still has a zero for me on that, which has me at like a D for quarter which is badbadbad, but due to my dumb thing, I don't want to give it to him and in doing so remind him that it's a zero. Even though I'm pretty sure I gave it to him way long ago, I might not have, and I don't like drawing attention to what could be my mistake.

So. Week before finals. Tis always a bitch. Got 5 hours of sleep total the week before finals last year. I don't remember if that was winter or spring finals, but I'm thinking spring. Luckily, though, the spanish, biology, and chemistry finals look to be (in order of mention) easy, ridiculously easy, and inconsequential this year. Math is going to suck, as it's 26% of our semester grade and won't bring me up really significantly, but has the power to pretty much fail me if I bomb it. History is going to suck because I don't know shit about it. As he hasn't taught shit about it. I was supposed to have a quiz today in that class--he replaced it with this dumb review assignment which I suppose is better, but annoying--and I realized last night that I had no idea what it was over. None whatsoever. I could not tell you anything we covered since the last quiz. Something about Canada. And John A. MacDonald. And Mounties. I remembered the Mounties. That was it. But then he had us read about Latin America in the book (which I couldn't find and must locate over break) and never talked about that at all, so I was worried that the Canadia stuff was in the last section and the Latin America was all that this quiz was over. Still don't know what it was supposed to be on. Though I really should be working on the dumb due-tomorrow review.

That's another thing. I've noticed that just this year, just these last few months, my procrastination has been taken to another level. It started with me doing things all the day before they were due. Okay. I'm cool with that. Then it became me doing them the night before they were due. Now it's more like me doing them at 4:30 the morning they're due. Or during classes before the class that it's due for, more likely. I've always done that, but it's become more and more, bigger things than just math homework or spanish pages.
And I'm pushing the turning things in late thing as far as it will go. It was a joke among my friends that they'd always say "Oh, Alexandria's not going to be at lunch Wednesday. We've got a paper due tomorrow," because I'd be writing the english papers at lunch. Not really writing, persay, but finishing, writing the last paragraphs or so. But still. I consider myself a master of estimating how long it will take me to do something and doing just enough of it to leave a manageable amount to do in the amount of time I had before class that day. Tis a skill. Don't know where I was originally going with this, so I'll stop.

Yahoo mail's been being a little whore for a week or so now. *pokes* Constantly it's giving me "cannot find server" and it's not my connection problem, as I've tried it at home and at school. And I refresh and it gives me error code 5. A lot. Quite often. Curses.

You know, this assignment wouldn't be that hard if he gave us the stuff we're supposed to compare/contrast with the few that he gave us. Like, the subject is social progress and we're given the 19th amendment for USA and have to fill in a similar event or thingie that compares or contrasts with that for each of Canada and Latin America from 1850-1920 and then define it and explain how it compares/contrasts. And there are 5 categories. Grr. If I could just come up with the stuff, it wouldn't be hard, but I've got no idea what Canada did regarding social progress. They're like us, only 50 years behind and boring. For example: we had a war over independence. Britain just didn't really want them any more and let them go. How lame is that. I would be insulted. It's like being the species that the borg doesn't want to assimilate. <- random Star Trek reference.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
So. That math test that I predicted I could get no more than a C- on? 71%. C- exactly. I'm so pissed. Because not only did she not let me study after springing the test on me with no warning (and I get these things really fast, it would have taken me two minutes and I would have remembered the formulas for 15 points worth of questions, bringing me up to an 86%) but I realized that I had one of the formulas wrong completely in my head; like I thought I had it right (though I realized that it didn't make sense, I was almost positive that was what was in my notes) but I didn't.

I took two quizzes and a test with these formulas wrong, and since I didn't get the first quiz back before I took the test or either of those back before I took the second quiz, I had no idea I was doing it wrong. Got the test back today right after I finished the second quiz (which was actually from a while ago that I didn't know I and several other people had missed) and realized that I majorly fucked them all up. I had copied all the formulas onto a different sheet of paper to get them all from different pages in my notes onto the same place, and copied that one (which was needed on somewhere from 3 to 6 different problems on each of the test and two quizzes) down wrong. And pretty much majorly wrong, as I substituted an 'X' for the 'U' and the 'U' for a '1', so I had two variables, which didn't make sense at all, but that was all I could come up with. I knew the U was the variable, but I couldn't figure out where I got the X from. That, and I hadn't studied the formulas that I knew I didn't know for the quiz because I figured she already screwed me over on the test and there was no point, as I had no idea there was going to be a quiz.

Don't you think that the point of quizzes is to figure out what you're doing wrong before the test?

So pretty much I'm now stuck with a C for semester no matter what I do.

And it's stupid stuff. I'm good at math. She docks points for stupid shit. Like missing all the points of a problem for things that other teachers would take off one or one-half for. I can figure out ways to do things when I can't remember the way we were taught to do them (or, in this teacher's case, not taught). Did that on this test, got the answer for the problem completely right, but got no credit because evidently she wanted it done a different way. I have no idea what that different way was. You know, sometimes you remember something being talked about, know you should know it, but don't remember? I didn't recognize this at all.

So yeah. I was really angry. I've got no idea what I've got in there right now, but it's probably close to a D+ because the test and quizzes are pretty much all we've got on there and the quizzes were almost completely based on those formulas.

Got an 83% on the last bio test because we were doing the same unit in chemistry and they sort of contradict each other and evidently I went too in depth with my answers. How do you go too in depth? And I didn't know we had to do anything in our lab manuals and so when he told us to put them on the table so we didn't have to carry them around, I figured that that was the reason we were putting them there, not to be graded. Got a zero on that. Still haven't handed in that history thing because I keep forgetting and even when I don't forget, I've got this craziness that I'd rather never remind the teacher that I haven't yet turned it in/made it up/whatever and take a zero than remind them for points, but have to face them when I hand it in late. Which is bad. Haven't done my math homework in a while, got a Bio test tomorrow that I've not studied for (and don't really plan to), English test tomorrow over two short stories that I don't even have copies of because I wasn't there when they handed them out, and nowhere to go at lunch because the teacher that I usually hang out with isn't going to be there. I'm getting farther and farther behind while I'm waiting for this random wave of really bad depression to pass, which is making me even more depressed.

And then I was telling this to Katie and she gave me a hug and I managed to start sobbing my arse off in her arms in the middle of theatre class because everything has just been so fucked up for me in the past months and I'm pretty much to the point where I can't take it anymore.

Yeah. That's my story.

Edit: And I think my dog is outside playing with a rat. Eww. Lovely.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Interesting story. Katie is the Wilson to my House. We knew that. I'm all in to emergency medicine because I like the skill needed for the diagnosing and the variety of the patients and I'd totally do Diagnostics if there was such a department, because that (and trauma) is the reason I've had my heart set on working in the ER for more than half a decade. She's into oncology. We've been watching that The Cherry Orchard movie of the Chekov play, and day before yesterday (and yesterday also) were sitting in these computer chair things and I pulled over one of those crappy plastic school chairs and we put our feet up on it in synch (not even planning/trying to or anything) just like House and Wilson in 2.16 "Safe". And we both realized that we did it, and there was laughing.

Was trying to help Katie fix her glasses case when it broke, and she was like "This is a crazy picture. Here we are, two of the smartest people in the school, standing in the hallway fiddling with a glasses case." That made me all warm and fuzzy inside. As I very often feel like a blathering idiot next to her, as I'm not used to knowing anybody having friends smarter than me.

"Scuttlebutt has it that you and Thumper messed it up in the parallel." Does that sound like a better euphemism for sex than it is for fighting to anyone else?

Amy Lee in the "Call Me When You're Sober" video looks much better when her hair isn't in the headband. She's still really pretty. I heard she was a bitch, though, from somebody who met her at one of the concerts back before she was big (a concert I really wanted to go to, but it's in the shit part of town across the river and I was like 12, so my mom was like no) which sort of dissapointed me. I'm not a fan of mean people. The music is very obviously different without Ben Moody. And the guy in the video sort of looked like Wolverine (there were also wolves in the video, so maybe he was supposed to). Kinda hot.

Watching some kind of Oprah episode about menopause. (When I first wrote this, I was. Internet got turned off in the middle of my typing last night/this morning without me realizing it, so I'm posting it now.) I just had left the TV on after Cheno was on Leno, and then happened to look up and see Geena Davis and then shortly after a clip of Sela Ward (Who was talking about sex, but I still had it muted, so I don’t know what she said. And I’m really curious.) Which is when I started watching, because yay, Sela. The doctor lady was just like “If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it,” it being sex (which I didn’t know at all. Interesting.) and then goes on to mention how masturbation works just fine too if you’re by yourself, and Geena’s all *nods*. I laughed. Yay, mental images. Geena’s hot for being older than my mom. (Less hot now that I’m comparing her to my mom. But still very good looking. I’d do her.)

Kate and her agent friend Marcy on NCIS episode 1.03 “Seadog” act like ex-girlfriends. The cut-short hug and sorta distanced conversation and all.

My spanish teacher pre-cog thing has continued. Last year I had this dream that I had to do CPR on my spanish teacher in the middle of class, the next morning she left school having chest pains (she was fine, though). Had a dream a couple of nights ago, lots of crazy stuff in there, but new spanish teacher sang. That morning, we started talking about how the orphan/poor kids sing the lottery numbers in Spain, and he demonstrated. Pretty nuts.

My hard drive is really full. I've been cleaning stuff and shrinking stuff and saving stuff temporarily to the main computer's hard drive, but I've got to get the stuff off the main computer, and as it stands, I've only got 778MB left. Gonna have to start burning episode type things off of it. I didn't want to because I was afraid that disks would get scratched up and I wouldn't have them anymore, but I'm going to have to chance it. Problem is that the stuff is so big that I'll have to burn them onto DVD disks, which are sorta expensive, especially because I want to make at least one extra copy to hide somewhere as a backup.

Found old speakers and hooked them up to my computer today, so no more watching stuff while trying to bend down far enough so that your headphone cord reaches the back of the computer. Not enough power slots, though, so I had to unplug my scanner. Oh well. I'm pretty sure the scanner doesn't work anymore anyway. Dad insists that it does, but last time I tried it wouldn't.

Amnesty cluster meeting tomorrow. Yay for that. Going to have to convince one of my parents to leave my sister's soccer game early to drive me down there. Not going to be easy. They're just going to want me to be late, but I don't want to be late, as that would be bad.

December 2014

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