commotiocordis

I am far too tired to still have done none of my homework for the day.

I spent today running around, like I mentioned yesterday, to 70 bazillion places. More than I intended, actually, as some bitch cut me off and forced me onto the highway on the way to my dad's school, which meant I had to go two exits past nowhere in order to turn around due to construction. And I had to stop by and make up a test for medical terminology. Final was this evening, though, after being rescheduled from this morning (which I had forgotten about last night, and was why I missed the first two hours of school today--okay, first one. The second was just me being a horrible horrible person and not wanting to go yet--until I found out that it got changed due to it being in a weird time in the first place or the ice or something), which means it's over now. Ahh, ridiculously easy class where I got to read fanfiction whilst keeping one ear open as the teacher talked about things that I mostly already knew. I shall miss thee.

I think next semester I'm going to take physics over the internets (coming in on 4 or 5 Saturdays for labs and tests), but the one that's online is marked "consider not taking this online if you didn't get at least a C in algebra". As in, you can still take it, but do the regular class instead of the distance one. The "engineering physics" class is labeled calculus-level, which probably means that that's what I should take (minus the engineering part--I think it just denotes that it's higher level, but idk), but I think it's only offered during the day, so I can't. I'm a little wary about the first class, "college physics", though, because it specifically says all over that there are no make-up labs, and that essentially, if you miss one of the Saturdays, you're going to have a damn hard time passing the class. Plus, there's this Saturday medical program that I'm applying for that I have to look up the dates for to see if they conflict (and, like the physics, that thing says that you won't be accepted if you have to miss any of the dates), and that's minimum two mock trial meetings I'm going to have to miss. Edit: Or maybe not on the latter, as I forgot we just changed our meeting times to earlier in the morning. I'd have to skip out a tad early, but methinks it wouldn't be a problem.

Plus, the book is goddamned expensive. IH college in that regard.

Re: Mock Trial. I'm half witnessing again. I'm both happy and not with that. Happy because it's pretty fun when you get a good crosser on your back to, putting it delicately, kick the living snot out of them, but not because it was so damn hard for me last year to have to sit there on the witness bench as my team missed and flubbed objections that I knew the response to. I get. . . idk. I'm like the kid who doesn't like to share the ball because they're afraid the other kids will make them lose, and now that I've made that connection I feel horrible, but it's somehow different (and yet not) because it's an intellectual pursuit? I don't know. I'm a bad person, hell, I've poached objections from people before because I knew that they didn't know what they were doing (though semi-legitimately, because it was a rules-debate and I was both more or less captain and more affected by the decision than the person whose examination it was raised during) but I'm really good at mock trial and speaking extemporaneously and such, and though that doesn't mean anything and normally I'm content to sit and maybe slip a note to a fellow lawyer if there's something they're missing, but it hurts me when it's simply because they don't know the rules. LOL, control issues.

And I've been meaning to fix my Criminal Minds icon. I didn't realize that the border was left transparent and not white, and though it looks fine on my journal because of the white background, on others' it does not.

Plus, I need suggestions for Christmas gifts. Both for myself and for my friends (particularly Katie, my plans for which fell through and now must be started from scratch).

( Mini 4-sentence cut for prolly TMI about acne. )

And to conclude this lovely 20 minute extension of my several hour procrastination, alkdhgfiouqwjenadflkj KEYBOARD HATE. Start working better, sir. (Points to keyboardmash. Notice how there are no 's's in that? THIS IS MY DILEMMA.)

So I got home last night (way later than we were supposed to, as the stupid bus got lost making an unscheduled stop in some random city, god only knows why, to drop off two people), went to sleep, woke up, got ready to go, missed the bus looking for my amoxicillin (which I've totally screwed up, as I forgot it yesterday when we left, and really haven't taken it properly for more than one day at a time, which is why I hate antibiotics, especially when you're supposed to find time to take them tid), couldn't find my notebook for Spanish, and then dissolved into a full-on anxiety attack over how I've been missing so much school lately and how it's made me so far behind that I don't even know where to start to try and make anything up.

Guess who's staying home again.

This is horrible. I'm screwing up everything this year school-wise. If I actually checked my grades online (though I don't, as they tend to induce suicidiality), I'm confident that I'm actually failing Biology and prolly have a C- in Spanish. Bio teacher gives a 10% curve on his tests always (because they're wicked and he never covers all of it), but I managed to lose that for myself (for the rest of the year) the third test of the year because I wasn't there on the day he administered it. And if my grades didn't take enough of a hit from that, I lost the big set of "workbook pages," which are huge assignments for every quarter, and so haven't turned the last three sets of those in because first I didn't want to admit it and ask him for a replacement set and later because he didn't actually have a replacement set. I'm behind two labs to turn in because I haven't been there to get the instructions to finish them off and another one to actually do because I'm pretty sure we ran it one of the days last week when I wasn't there.

I need to stop being sick. I need to stop freaking out about work and making myself sicker.

And lol at the bad decision to take the Amoxicillin this morning and not chase it down with a Compazine. Situation has been remedied, but twas definite confirmation that the Amoxicillin is the problem.

I just used this sentence in a report/review of an article that I'm writing.

"Overall, however, I do not feel that I have been absorbed by the boy-loving, romance-driven, mushy-heart drivel of the female teenage lovepack."

WIN. That stays.

Okay, the dentist story is not that impressive. But still. I'm rather pissed.

First, I was totally right about her not being done with the whole nerve-killing thing. So when, at the end of the last appointment, she was saying how she didn't usually prescribe pain killers for root canals because they shouldn't hurt that much, that actually had nothing to do with me. Yeah, now that she's done with the root killing, it doesn't hurt that much, but before it was a bitch, so thanks.

And yesterday. The lady broke the drill. In my mouth. In one of the roots of my tooth, to be exact.

Meaning it's stuck down there.

So basically, I've got to either leave it in there, which could lead to infection and the root canal failing, or go to some specialist that's only partially covered by my insurance that has microscopy things and can dig it out.

And this was after having to take 4 x-rays because they couldn't get one at the right angle. (Me: *tugs lead jacket up across neck* Thyroid! Thyroid!) Seriously, isn't it some kind of fundamental design flaw to make the clamp that goes around the tooth (to hold the rubber surgical drape thing) metal when x-rays have to happen?

Evidently, also, they knew about the drill thing way before I was told, too. That pissed me off. They didn't mention it for a while, and then tried to call my dad, and only when they didn't get a hold of him did they even consider mentioning it to me. They figure that because I'm still on my parents' insurance that they get to make the decisions. When actually, the real ramification of the decision will be 5 years from now (or so she says--knowing my dentistry luck, it'll be next week) when the root canal fails, and guess who has to pay for it then?

School board meeting after that was nice. And my 10 minute scrambling makeup application ended up looking quite good, so if I ever get a hold of any of the pictures from that I'll have to post them.

(I think the dentist may be beginning to need her own tag.)

I really don't feel like going to school tomorrow.

I find I'm dreading the confrontation that's going to be necessary to get my computer account turned back on after my frakup there, plus the fact that I can't find my biology work still (when it's already one day late). And I'm not yet tired, undoubtedly due to my exercising too late at night and following that with a 44oz Diet Dr. Pepper, so I'd much rather stay up and read more of this Birds of Prey author's fics that I've been going through as fast as I can, but I know that between how late it already is and my having Mini Med School tomorrow evening (thus cutting short any possibility of nappage), I'm going to be miserable later.

Ahh. Joy.

So. Wednesday? Fail.

I guess I've got to start out with the night before, which I spent staying up way later than I should have considering I had a cold, only half a root in one of my teeth, massive drugs pumped into me to keep me from noticing that I only had half a root in one of my teeth, etc. I had biology, and I thought I had english (turns out it wasn't due until today, though), and I had to write this campaign speech/essay thing for my econ class's representative to the marketing club spot (a short one, but I have heaps of trouble writing things that are self-promoting already so it actually took me the longest, added to by the fact that I was on pain killers). I finally finished everything but the english, realized it wasn't due until Thursday, and went to bed. Around 2:30 or so, I guess.

I'm still in pain from this whole root canal escapade, so in the morning, I took one of the vicodin that the dentist prescribed. A whole one again this time (I took a whole to get me through the night, but before I was doing halfs every three hours).

After a little while? ('Bout half way through first hour, I'd guess.) Started noticing it. Like, in a "Oh, I think this means that I'm high" way. While I was trying to get some work done. Not very conducive to that. Twas also when I realized that for the second chapter in a row, I'd forgotten one of the huge biology assignments at home. Which is a huge point dock that I can't afford.

2, 2.5 hours after taking it (and right in the middle of Spanish class) I started getting both v. v. hot and nauseous. So I'm sitting there, trying to get my mind to cut through the nausea long enough to come up with the answer to whatever he's asking (because he hadn't called on me in a while, which meant that I was coming up) plus possibly how to ask if I could go to the bathroom/nurse (both easy when I'm not high/sick, but when I am, almost impossible), all while breathing like I'm back on the nitrous to try and quash the nausea.

Next class, english: the hotness hadn't gone away but the nausea had gone down a bit. I get called down to the office for them to ask me if I'd done my make up hours for last year yet. Erm, yeah. In fact, I turned them in the second day of school. I was in fact complemented by the principal for being the first person to turn them in this year. Not only that, but they'd called me down at least twice before so far this year to ask the same question (and caught me and asked when I was in another office working on getting a parking pass). My answer has always been yes, guys. If you lost the papers, let me know and I can get a new set. (I handed them right to you while you were sitting at the computer you could enter them into, but whatever.) Because I'm hanging out in a teacher's room when I'm not scheduled to be on campus, I'm actually working two of them off a day. Considering I only had four to make up to begin with, I've actually got a surplus of about 30 hours or so. So I'd appreciate if you would quit disturbing me, because it's pissing all my teachers off. A bit later, I (and a bunch of other people this time, but still) get called down from the same class for pictures for this award thing. One of the worst days to take pictures of me, I'd think, as if I felt anything like I looked, it was pretty bad. Though TCAB gave me this look/smile thing that made the elementary school girl-esque part of me blush trufax hard and the more adult side spend the entire walk back to class analyzing it.

And then right about noon, the vicodin had completely worn off. *headdesk* A mate offered me half of her peanut butter sandwich, and I forgot and bit it with my left side, and I think my head practically exploded.

12:40 or so, I take some of the acetaminophen (I had re-stolen from my siblings) before economics. Which then sucked. Not only did it turn out I made a bunch of stupid mistakes on the exam the day before by not reading the questions (it asks "which one isn't", and I mark the first one that is without reading the rest of the choices, stuff like that), but the whole class representative thing (that I signed up for only because I figured it'd look good on the resume, but still) was being postponed. The teacher said she didn't remember announcing to the class that you needed to write said essay and get it to her before 7:30 (even though she did announce it) after the other girl that had declared her intention to run for the spot spent the first 10 minutes of class arguing with the teacher about how she didn't "understand why you'd need to tell people why they should vote for you, why can't they just vote?" and about how "1/2 page is so long for something they don't even need!"

And this other girl? The popular whorish type. Basically, my only chance was for her not to actually turn in the essay (which she didn't), but instead of my just automatically winning (like happened with the secretary and social chair positions), the teacher decided they had another day to turn them in. So, since she's giving us the extra day, what if I decided that I wanted to run for secretary? No, those didn't get pushed back because. . . I don't fucking know. I told the teacher that that was bloody unfair, and she tried to justify it (saying that she didn't think she'd announced it, Katie and I told her she did, she said oh well), and then actually managed to track me down to my next class and call me in there (I have no idea how she did it, as I'm not even supposed to be on campus then, but I hang out in one teacher's room anyway so I can take the bus home, which is not on my schedule) to try and "justify" herself some more. I don't even know what exactly she said (though I know it was more of the same and nothing she didn't mention in class), because I was pissed off and in pain and stressed out and damn near tears because of everything.

So yes. Then I just hung out on the computer until the end of the day, working on application stuff, and then I had to go practice with quartet (and sucked, because I hadn't rosined my bow in like evar and didn't think about it to borrow somebody else's because I used to use such strong rosin that I didn't need to more than every few weeks). And then had to leave that early for this conference call because I was on the grant reviewing panel for this Youth Service America organization.

And so I was running around, trying to find a telephone that's not somewhere where siblings will be loud and that actually works (ruling out like all of them), and I finally gave up and got ready to use the main one and just hope nobody decides to turn up the TV when I ran my tongue over my tooth again and decided "Huh. Maybe I should figure out why that feels weird all of a sudden." *looks in the mirror* ZOMGWTF. "MOM, WE'VE GOT TO GO TO THE DENTIST NOW!" The temp filling they gave me? Gone. (Once dad explained to me what it really was, how they expected that to stay for a month until my next appointment baffled my mind. I mean, it's the same stuff marketed in drugstores to fix things until you can get to an emergency dentist appointment, meaning maybe a day at the most.) There's just a gigantic hole in the middle of that tooth.

So I call the dentist, and it's about 5:15 and they're about to close. The nice tech lady from the day before got put on the line (she actually remembered me, which made me feel special, though it was prolly because I was something like the youngest patient to get a root canal evar), and I explained what was wrong, and she was all "When do you go to school?" and I told her, and it was too early to get me in the next day, but since it had to be done, she's all "Do you think you can get here in the next 10 minutes?" And I did (she actually recognized me right when I walked through the door, which made me smile), and everybody else was packing up and leaving, but she stayed and scraped all the old fakeyfilling out (makes me think she's perhaps more of a nurse type than a tech, but idk how the dentistry chain of command works) and put in new stuff (the real kind this time, so it should actually stay, though they'll have to drill it out in October). PLUS SHE ACTUALLY ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS AGAIN, SO I HEREBY APPOINT HER DENTIST AND TELL THE OTHER PEOPLE TO GO AWAY. Another tech/nurse/whatever lady stayed and helped her too, which was nice. And then I didn't have to pay anything (which surprised me, because medicalish places always try to tack on as much stuff as they can--I remember last time my mum was in to have a baby it was all "Adhesive bandage. $7. Pain reliever. $14." for a band-aid and a couple of Tylenol, respectively). I totally missed the panel call, though, which I feel horrid about. I was the only person on the panel that didn't actually work for the organization, and I was pretty excited about doing it.

I got home around 6, and by this time the cold that I'd thought I'd gotten over (that's been coming back and going away repeatedly over the last few days) was back in full swing, plus I'd only gotten a couple hours of sleep the night before, so I went to take a nap. Woke up when I had set my alarm for, around 10:30 so I could get my dad's help on this Shakespeare thing I had to do for english, felt even worse (fever was back), and so decided to just go back to sleep when I still could (you know how you have that grace period sometimes for a few minutes after you wake up and you know that you won't be able to go to sleep if you don't right then?). Woke up this morning in tooth pain plus sore throat/headache/runny nose/the works and, randomly, a stomach ache (prolly from the cold, though, and drainage or whatnot), having had nothing done the night before and the prospect of facing all the crap today, and so decided to stay home.

And that's my story. /lol.

I already need a weekend to regroup.

I wish school started on Thursday. It helps to have the weekend to gather up supplies now that you know what you'll need (or what they say you'll need; I usually end up changing/abandoning my system at least 3 times per class per year).

Classes are winding to a close and I find myself quite miserable.

I haven't been able to turn in that history paper that I wasn't writing when I was sick because of my stupid teacher complex. It's worse this year than ever before; I'm simply incapable of turning things in late (even if it was because I was sick) because I hate drawing attention to myself in that way. And it screws me over something fierce; without this paper, I've got a C for semester at best. Turn it in, I might be able to pull a B. (And it's only not an A because I pulled the same shit the quarter before this one, was sick and never made up a couple of quizzes or turned in one assignment and ended up with a D for first quarter.)

And the problem's the worst with this one teacher. I don't know why. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to turn this paper in. But now I've let it get two weeks late, so it's even harder, you know? That's the problem with this weirdothing of mine. I make up some excuse to myself or conveniently forget for days and days and days, and it gets worse and worse because whatever was due/needed to be taken longer and longer ago.

I'm doing something I never do now, though, actually checking my grades on the online thing. I never do it because I just don't want to see, honestly, because I've totally fucked up my life this semester, and the few times I do look I tend to close the page wanting to die.

Yeah, right now it's a D- in history. I've got to fucking turn that thing in. But I can't exactly walk up there and go "Here, I know it's 2 weeks late but I've developed this gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear of talking to teachers and so in order to avoid all confrontation, I've simply not handed it in until now; even though every day when I walk through the door I plan to give it to you, I freak out or rationalize some excuse about why it's not a good day and end up just not being able to. But I'm actually doing it now, because I'm not fucking ending the year on such a horrible note, with me giving in to this stupid shyness shit I thought I beat back in elementary school. That and if I actually end up with a D on my report card for semester I think I probably will kill myself because as of right now I've not been seeing many reasons not to," because I'll either not do it at all or end up crying because I've been so miserable lately and I'm not going to fucking cry in front of my history teacher, because I know a lot of my problem with handing in things late is that it makes me look weak and leaves me vulnerable and stuff and crying will do both to a factor of 10.

And I just did the math and there's no way for me to pull a B in history at all. I thought the D from 3rd quarter was higher than it was, making it possible, but no. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I went from As in all but 2 classes first semester to maybe one A in the bunch, a bunch of Bs, and either a C or a D depending on whether I keep fucking myself up and hand in this bloody paper or not.

I know I've said this a bazillion times, but I've got the biggest feeling of desperation right now because I don't know what I'm going to do. I almost want to just ask somebody else to hand the paper in for me, or slip it in his desk or something, but I have a feeling that if I don't explain something that there's no chance I'll get any kind of credit for it. I wanted to talk to the counselor at school about it when I was in there on Thursday working on scheduling stuff but blaming it on there not being enough time, I fucking chickened out there too and didn't even mention it. I'll probably have to try to talk to her about it again, though, because I know with my mood right now that I'm going to end up crying when I'm trying to explain it, but at least with her there's the female factor so it's less intimidating (I seriously think the fact that he's a man has something to do with why it's worse with him than some of my other teachers. I don't understand why I've all of a sudden developed a man-complex, but I just realized that I pulled the same crap a few weeks ago and never made up a quiz for my Spanish teacher, who's also male, suggesting more than a little correlation there) and the fact that she already knows that I've been having problems this year and so maybe can help me talk to him and put in some kind of good word behind my back that will make him a little more amenable to giving me credit.

Yes. I've been stressing about exams and this and such, which I think has contributed both to my uber bad allergy attack these last few weeks (it's never been this bad in my entire life) and the severity of this hormonally-induced mood downswing (this version of the pill has done nothing for me-didn't fix the moods, didn't lessen the cramps, didn't shorten/lessen the actual period, nothing. I'm going to have to get switched pretty soon, as I think after 3 months I should be seeing something). And both of those have equaled me not studying for the big chemistry exam on Tuesday (meaning tomorrow, damn it), which have equaled more stress and miserableness in the big neverending cycle that I've acknowledged but not been able to break free from all year.

So if any of you have magic telepathic history teacher mind-bending grade-changing powers and would like to aim them my way, that'd be lovely. Otherwise, I've got to suck it up and go talk to him. Perhaps if I give him the paper and maybe ask him if I can take a final or something (as the class is exempt) to boost it a couple of points?

Grr at my dumb email. I typed up a reply (thankfully, copied it first) then hit post. Yahoo gives me the "This is trying to send stuff outside of Yahoo. That's bad. So, if you really want to send the stuff, click here." And I clicked there. And then Internet Explorer blocked the popup. I tried just posting again, same Yahoo message, but IE didn't get the idea and still blocked it. Then I clicked on that to make it let the popups go, and the page refreshed, and I pasted the stuff back into the box and clicked post and the dumb Yahoo email popped up again and I clicked past that but my dad's dumb Google toolbar blocked it. At that point, I just gave up and opened the comment window to post it on LJ. Crazy. The computer can't block the stuff it should, but blocks the stuff you want.

Yay at vegetarian hot dogs. I don't really like them overmuch; this is the first time I've had them in prolly 4 years, but I was craving them yesterday and bought a pack. And I've had like 4 of them already. Because I get these protein cravings (probably because most of the time I'm rather deficient, being of the vegetarian persuasion) and then have to have a bazillion of the things. So that's fun. But they're goodish for you, I spose, so that's okay.

Mock trial last night was a whole bag/can/bucketful of worms. Didn't go terrifically; we ended up not getting any of the three ballots. There was unfairness at work in that there courtroom, but whatever. I'll bitch about the judge and all of it later.

Friday I get off school at 12:30, which is nice, but unfair as we're getting off so people can go see the final four basketball game or something because our varsity boys' team made it in. Would we have gotten off if varsity girls made it to the final four? I highly doubt it. Swimming or water polo or something did go to state this year, methinks, did we get off for that? No. Still. Early release makes me a happy person, especially considering I'll be at mock trial Thursday night again and not get home until late (I got in around 10 last night, so a similar time, undoubtedly) and so the least amount of school I have to attend after that, the better.

I knew that having yesterday off was just too good to be true. Calm before the storm, it was.

Ugh. I had a headache towards the end of school today, and I took a nap when I got home (as I wasn't in bed until like 4:30 yesterday, bad Alexandria) and woke up with a sore throat. Damn it.

The day kinda really started out sucky. I couldn't get my paper printed before school, my bio teacher said we were doing a lab so I couldn't go meet with these people about this med school program (and it wasn't a lab really at all. It was setup for one. Something that I could have had somebody else do for me and be no worse off). I forgot about my bio workbook pages until the last 5 minutes of history (bio being immediately after; usually I just do them in history, but that morning I totally forgot that they had been due Tuesday, and thus were due instead today. I was walking up the stairs to bio and one strap of my backpack/bag thing fell off. I grab it by the handle, growl, and try to fix it as I keep walking. I clip it back on, put the bag back over my shoulder, and then the other strap falls off. I gave up. I was like "No. I am done." We were on the second floor landing, and I just stopped walking in give-up-ness. Katie then grabs my bag for me and hauls it up the last flight of stairs, handing it back to me once we pass my bio room, like the crazynice she is, but then it took me a bit to fix it once in the room, when I then realized that I had forgotten another bio page that I had missed a few days back. Grr for that. And then we start messing with e. coli in bio. I was just like "Okay. With the way my day has been going, I'm going to catch e. coli. I might as fonging well just drink the test tube and cut out the middleman of somebody getting it on my math book or something. Not even waste the time." I didn't drink the test tube because it prolly would have tasted nasty, but still. At lunch, after the bit in the middle that I'm going to talk about in a minute, I realize that I hadn't done all of the stuff for Spanish that I was supposed to (we had to do the work for the whole chapter, I thought it was just the first 3/4 of the chapter that was about the stuff we had talked about), so I'm scribbling that down, end up copying it from somebody at my lunch table, and still don't finish the last set of exercises. And then in Spanish I had the wrong answer when he called on me, which I hate (but it was freaking definite articles. Of the irregular persuasion. Meaning you really just have to memorize whether they're masculine or feminine. Especially when the masc. means one thing and the fem. means another. How was I supposed to know?) and is embarrassing as all get out to me. As I'm pretty good in Spanish generally. And then I got my headache in there about half way through, which carried through to english, which carried through until I got home.

But in the middle of all that, I ended up spending like an hour and a half in the counselor's office today. We were talking about my scheduling and such, but then somehow I ended up basically crying on her shoulder (except for not actually on her shoulder so much as in the chair across from her) and telling her about how I've been all screwed up lately. Man, I love her so much. She undoubtedly had so much to do after the snow day yesterday, trying to catch up with the people who signed up for meetings on Tuesday and didn't get to see her because of the no school and all, and yet she lets me stay in there for the second half of calc, the first 2/3 of theatre, and then again for the first 2/3 of chem. And between fourth and fifth, she was just talking to the honors coordinator guy about how we were going to work my schedule. So basically, for her, it was like 3 hours of Alexandria. Enough to drive anybody mad. And I'm all "I'm really sorry. Here I am crying over your box of tissues, and you've got other stuff to do." And she's like "Umm, no. You don't have to apologize. Ever." And I'm like *loves her*.

So that's pretty great. I had teachery people that I could talk to back at my old school (I could show up whenever at my counselor's office and she'd just let me sit in there with her if I needed to. And ditto with Michelle. They'd both pretty much drop everything if I needed to talk, which was amazingly lucky on my part.), but nobody really at this one, and I think that was bugging me. So I'm glad that she sorta knows what's going on and I can come in there if I need to.

And then there was some good V-day Seven/B'Elanna fic for this using the letters of Valentine's Day as the first letters of your paragraphs/limericks challenge thing (which was a great idea and I'm going to have to try it for the next holiday). And xx_housecat_xx told me I was a good beta. Which made me all happy like whoa.

So in conclusion, happy end of Valentine's Day to everyone. (Because it's pretty much a lot better when it's over.)