commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Good things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. My GPA will go up considerably

Bad things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. I have school straight through the entire summer, from this Monday to August.

  2. I have to pay $1000+ for the anatomy class

  3. I have to take the 3x more expensive (and super speedy, which could be bad) orgo class to fit it in

  4. I have to get an A in it or it doesn't improve my GPA enough to have wasted the money


I think I know the answer, though. I can't afford it, and I'd feel bad asking my parents to pay $4000 for summer tuition. But on the other hand, getting into med school eventually vs not getting into med school. And if this were to, you know, help me become a doctor, it would be a good financial investment.



I'm so frustrated that by having my little freakout and getting on the medicine that made me pretty much non-functional (feeling better, btw. Side effects still killer, but at least not brainfog; anxiety still bad, but depression maybe a little better? Just realized this is the expected week for Alexandria's Requisite Monthly Suicidal Crisis and things are only slightly worse than baseline, so holy shit yessss), I've now stretched out my classes. I've got two finals tomorrow I haven't prepared at all for because I've been worried about making arrangements for the molecular biology class I missed a paper and two tests for; arrangements should be put in place by this afternoon, but I don't know when I'll be able to make up the work (when they will be here, when I will be here). I'd like to be able to do it in the next three weeks because I'll be down here taking another class (Forensic Child Psychology, which I'm hoping will be interesting), but who knows how much work I'll have for that class? I feel like I'm going to have to give them an ETA when I meet with the teachers this afternoon on when I want to take the two tests and turn in the paper, but until I know what's going to happen in the summer class, I don't really want to say.

Basically, Roommate came home all "KJASDLFKJASLDFKJASDKFJ I'M DONE OH MY GOD BEST EVER" and now I'm like "fuck. Why couldn't you have just pushed through it; you'd be done and not have to worry about this class anymore." Even though I know I couldn't have because I was so scatterbrained, and alternatingly super anxious and sedated, and basically worthless for pretty much two weeks, because I'm not feeling it now, it's hard to sympathize with past me. (I'm making perfect sense; you're just not keeping up.)
commotiocordis: (DS9)
This is Another Whiny Post.

You know what sucks? Invisible disabilities.

I mean obviously, but I was just thinking about what it's going to be like when I have to tell my parents that I lost my scholarship. I'm probably not going to get screamed at, but worse IMO, just disapproving looks and talk about how I should have tried harder and how they can't believe I've squandered this opportunity.

It's such a fucking struggle for me to try to accept the fact that some of my screw-upedness might not always be because I'm not good enough, and that maybe some of it is beyond my control, and them reinforcing the fact that This Wouldn't Have Happened If I'd Just Tried Harder will be seriously not helpful.

Because 99% of me 99% of the time is positive that they're right. And either way, whether I don't try or I can't try, it boils down to the same thing: I'm just not good enough.
commotiocordis: A still image, green on black, of an electrocardiogram readout depicting the heart rhythm asystole. (asystole)

  • Start thinking about what I've got to get done today/tomorrow.

  • Have second panic attack of the morning.

  • Jesus how am I on #2 already I woke up an hour ago.

I wanted to go back to sleep for a little bit (I guess I probably got a decent amount of sleep, but might as well eke out as much as possible on the weekend, yk?), but obvs not happening now without drugs. But I might be okay with that if it stops my chest hurting this much.

The problem is that if I take my sedative things (I'd totally forgotten until a few days ago that that's pm what my migraine pills were), I run into the same reason I couldn't take them all week -- I'm having these panic attacks over fear that I'm out of time/have screwed things up seriously badly/won't be able to perform at the level I need to to make up for my past fucking up, and by taking them, I knock myself out for a few hours and decrease potential time that I should be studying/writing my papers/etc.


Idk why I'm using my "requisite monthly suicidal crisis" tag except that it's my new go-to for mental freakouts. We're right around that time, true, but this has been going on for two weeks now. I've literally not been able to fall asleep without a panic attack for two weeks straight, save this past Friday and Saturday when I was able to take meds. This is getting ridiculous.

I mean, as per usual, super high stress about grades and such --> panic attacks and super depression --> not being able to function to go to class/study/write papers/take tests --> bad grades --> super high stress about grades and such . . . .

I'm kind of glad I'm not going home next weekend like I'm supposed to, because I'm pretty sure if I did, I'd end up having some kind of freakout and refuse to come back.

The only thing that's keeping me on the path I'm on right now is inertia. If I actually had the emotional capacity right now to make a reasoned choice about the best thing for my heath and the best thing for not having some kind of psychotic break, I'd be out of here like a shot. I keep saying that I'm done, that I can't do it anymore, but nothing ever changes. I barely pass (though doubtful that's going to happen this time, as I'm in considerably a worse situation scholastically) and just keep on going, and the same stuff happens and things pile up and pile up and get worse and I get crazier and I'm pretty sure there's kind of a ceiling on crazy. Like, eventually I'll stop inching towards crazy and be actually there.

I've sort of meted out that there are vaguely three choices:
  1. I keep going as I am, escalating from depression to panic attacks to, idk, full on crazy, at which point choose options 2 or 3.

  2. I stand up and say "Fine, brain. You fucking win. I am evidently too mentally ill to keep going to school. I'll go be a fry cook or something."

  3. Or I kill myself.
And I'm really really bad at admitting defeat.
commotiocordis: A still image, green on black, of an electrocardiogram readout depicting the heart rhythm asystole. (asystole)
I don't think I've quite wrapped my mind around how my chances for The Only Thing I've Ever Wanted My Entire Life are hovering right around zero.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be alive if that were the case.

It's going to be hilarious when I have to take the senior seminar class next year. "What are your post graduate plans if you don't get into medical school?" "Suicide."

Scheduling for next semester made me calculate my GPA and science GPA and that sort of thing and holy shit are those bad. *sigh* Basically, I could maybe go to the Caribbean or something, on a stretch a DO school (which aren't really out of the realm of possibility, I guess, but I've romanticized the MD too much to settle for that, I think), and that's about it. No more "oh, I'll bring my GPA up" or any of that shit, because that's no longer possible.

Pretty much, because I played the game to try and keep this free education by taking too many super hard classes a semester, and dropping things to stay above the GPA limit, and bringing down my GPA by frantically taking classes to meet the required number of hours, and then dropping retaking whatever classes to bring my GPA back up, etc, I've been fucked out of medical school.

Now I'm stuck with no debt, but a degree I can't do anything with and a near-zero chance of getting into a graduate program that doesn't suck, much less actually medical school.


December 2014

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