commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Good things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. My GPA will go up considerably


Bad things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. I have school straight through the entire summer, from this Monday to August.

  2. I have to pay $1000+ for the anatomy class

  3. I have to take the 3x more expensive (and super speedy, which could be bad) orgo class to fit it in

  4. I have to get an A in it or it doesn't improve my GPA enough to have wasted the money


BUT THE FIRST ONE IS SO IMPORTANT WHAT DO I DO.

I think I know the answer, though. I can't afford it, and I'd feel bad asking my parents to pay $4000 for summer tuition. But on the other hand, getting into med school eventually vs not getting into med school. And if this were to, you know, help me become a doctor, it would be a good financial investment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL AND MAKING DECISIONS AND BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.


I'm so frustrated that by having my little freakout and getting on the medicine that made me pretty much non-functional (feeling better, btw. Side effects still killer, but at least not brainfog; anxiety still bad, but depression maybe a little better? Just realized this is the expected week for Alexandria's Requisite Monthly Suicidal Crisis and things are only slightly worse than baseline, so holy shit yessss), I've now stretched out my classes. I've got two finals tomorrow I haven't prepared at all for because I've been worried about making arrangements for the molecular biology class I missed a paper and two tests for; arrangements should be put in place by this afternoon, but I don't know when I'll be able to make up the work (when they will be here, when I will be here). I'd like to be able to do it in the next three weeks because I'll be down here taking another class (Forensic Child Psychology, which I'm hoping will be interesting), but who knows how much work I'll have for that class? I feel like I'm going to have to give them an ETA when I meet with the teachers this afternoon on when I want to take the two tests and turn in the paper, but until I know what's going to happen in the summer class, I don't really want to say.

Basically, Roommate came home all "KJASDLFKJASLDFKJASDKFJ I'M DONE OH MY GOD BEST EVER" and now I'm like "fuck. Why couldn't you have just pushed through it; you'd be done and not have to worry about this class anymore." Even though I know I couldn't have because I was so scatterbrained, and alternatingly super anxious and sedated, and basically worthless for pretty much two weeks, because I'm not feeling it now, it's hard to sympathize with past me. (I'm making perfect sense; you're just not keeping up.)
commotiocordis: A still image, green on black, of an electrocardiogram readout depicting the heart rhythm asystole. (asystole)
I don't think I've quite wrapped my mind around how my chances for The Only Thing I've Ever Wanted My Entire Life are hovering right around zero.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be alive if that were the case.



It's going to be hilarious when I have to take the senior seminar class next year. "What are your post graduate plans if you don't get into medical school?" "Suicide."



Scheduling for next semester made me calculate my GPA and science GPA and that sort of thing and holy shit are those bad. *sigh* Basically, I could maybe go to the Caribbean or something, on a stretch a DO school (which aren't really out of the realm of possibility, I guess, but I've romanticized the MD too much to settle for that, I think), and that's about it. No more "oh, I'll bring my GPA up" or any of that shit, because that's no longer possible.


Pretty much, because I played the game to try and keep this free education by taking too many super hard classes a semester, and dropping things to stay above the GPA limit, and bringing down my GPA by frantically taking classes to meet the required number of hours, and then dropping retaking whatever classes to bring my GPA back up, etc, I've been fucked out of medical school.

Now I'm stuck with no debt, but a degree I can't do anything with and a near-zero chance of getting into a graduate program that doesn't suck, much less actually medical school.





CURSE YOU, BRAIN AFFLICTION I HAVE DECIDED IS MAD COW. WHY MUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
But also, there is No Time in my life when I don’t have something I should be doing. Something scholastic, usually, as my MCAT scores sucked on this self-timed practice one I did, which scared me all to fuck because my MCAT scores were what I was counting on to get me into medical school since my GPA isn’t impressive and I’m at a podunk state school (also, why does Word want to capitalize “Podunk”?).

Time management is really biting me in the ass atm. Even just trying to conceptualize what I should be doing when (not helped by the fact that the email system we switched to at school that has all my Outlook calendars I made on the old system refuses to connect to the Outlook program on my computer and give me them back).

A list of what I'm doing (or not doing) lately: )

Met with the chemistry coordinator for my orgo service thing finally today, though, which I'd been putting off finding the time to do to turn in these forms because they were already late and I'm a wuss. She was uber nice. She's pretty old (60 at least, though I'm not good at guessing anybody's age, especially older folks) and reminded me a lot of my two grandmothers combined--sort of looked like my maternal, but had a slight southern accent like my paternal. Glancing at her bulliton board, it looks like she teaches mostly chemistry for non chem majors, which could be fun. It'd be like teaching high school chemistry--you could do a lot of the fun stuff because it's not like these people are ever going to need to know how to identify 1-propyl 4-chloromethyl heptene on the spot. Not that anybody would ever need to (even if you were a chemist, I'm pretty sure you'd have a second to look it up), but still.

Kinda disappointed about the MCAT/GRE practice thing tomorrow—the gay/straight alliance at school’s having a barbeque that I wanted to go to in the afternoon. Considered just taking the MCAT and going to the barbeque, but no. Shall be responsible. Also wanted to take the LSAT again, but it's at the same time as the MCAT, which is too bad, because the MCAT is going to make me want to slit my wrists, but the LSAT and how I rock it is a decent ego boost. (Acronym translation just in case this is baffling: MCAT=medical college admissions test, the pretest for med school. LSAT=same thing but for law school. GRE=same thing but for generic graduate school; more like the undergrad college admissions tests that have english and math and writing and such.)

I'm in the library atm, plugged into the wired connection on the tablet because I haven't downloaded the wireless update since I wiped it a few days ago and reloaded XP Tablet on it instead of the XP professional I had before that wasn't giving me the tablet functionality regularly. When I tried to load XP Tablet on top of the XP-Pro, like you can do with most Windows OS, it stalled on the install, so I had to reinstall regular XP Professional which ended up with me having one XP-Pro install that worked and one that was stuck halfway through being written over by Tablet. It worked fine like that for a week or two, but eventually the whole mess of things got to where I had to boot into the second OS under safe mode to not bluescreen out and blech. It worked, but was annoying. Going to see if I can get the tech people here to decipher their own instructions for setting up the new university mail with Outlook, because they don't work. Frustrating as hell; I've tried it I don't know how many times on the tablet under various hard drives and OS installs. But because I don't have the wireless (tried to download the update, but the wire here is so freaking slow--we're talking sub-dial up speeds for some reason), I've got to get one of them to come over here, which means unplugging my computer and bringing it over to the desk or leaving it here and going to get one of them, and it's just been less work to stay here and keep typing.

Shall do now, though, as [livejournal.com profile] bleakone's probably out of class in a few minutes and we'll be going home where hopefully, I can await the return of Tosh, the computer that was stolen by the fucktards at the Toshiba official repair depot for, from the day I sent it off to today, 36 days. And refused to do anything about it when I called and asked them what the fuck was up with them lying to me and saying 7-10 days. I get that it was on hold for parts for two weeks (sort of--shouldn't the official Toshiba place *have* all the Toshiba parts?) and that wasn't expected when they gave me the estimate, but 7-10 days after I sent it off they hadn't even put it on the repair desk, so that's bullshit.

ETA: Tosh is here! The screen works, the keyboard has been replaced, the fucktards wiped it like they said they wouldn't, but I backed stuff up so I'm not that pissed. What does piss me off is that they didn't replace the screen. In fact, they made the artifacting and little bruises and dead pixels worse. Idk what to do now. I think I'll call tomorrow or Monday or something and see what they say, because there's a whole circular bit in the middle of the screen where it looks like the pixels are half blue. (Most noticeable on a black screen, natch.) This was not there before. Displeased.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Not for me.)
Home for the weekend. Monday's going to suck epicly, because I haven't done any of my homework and won't be getting back until late on Sunday night (probably 11), so I don't know when that's getting done. Tack on test on Tuesday, test on Wednesday, and because I skipped out on Friday's classes to leave on Thursday to go do some market research thing, I got a 0 on an organic chem quiz thing (they drop the lowest 5 of 20, but the 6 or so we've done so far have all been *really* low and I can't fucking figure out why) and missed the video that explains most of the last chapter we covered in biochem that will be a good 1/3 of the Wednesday test.

So, pretty epic FML at the moment. I'm sick as well, and being home when it's temporary and I have this major deluge of homework waiting always makes me stressed all to hell, so I'm panicky and miserable. It really hit me at one point that if I were somebody else, I could just blow all this off, get married and stay home and raise my kids. Ahh, the easy way out. (Not that, you know, raising kids is easy and anything but very emotionally taxing, but possibly slightly less mentally taxing than graduate-level molecular biology courses.)

<--- As usual, this was written a week ago. Was opening up LJ to bitch about how I broke a nail and have to spend my entire Saturday doing practice runs of the MCAT followed by the GRE from 9-5ish tomorrow, and it popped up the beginning bit that I’d forgotten I’d lost when the tablet locked up on me. So, elaboration.

Do you ever get that? I have aunts and uncles and people in my classes that were/are married at this age. At younger than this age, even. And it kind of makes me wonder what I’m doing. I guess science, is what. And I’m cool with that; I don’t date, and I’m not really interested in it , I don’t think, but there’s this feeling like I’m missing out on something. It was the same way with parties and such in HS. It wasn’t my style of evening just because my friends didn’t do that kind of thing, so I knew I wouldn’t like it because nobody I liked would be there. But would I have gone. . . idk, clubbing or something if people I liked were doing so? Yeah. I probably would have had a good time, too.

I’m not even 20 yet, but even just thinking about when I hit that, it seems like. . . idk. It’s not me. I don’t feel like a grownup yet. I want nothing more than to stay home and tag along when my parents go to the store just because I’ve got nothing better to do, and to have the whole family to interact with (even though it’s not like we get along horridly well—much better in short spurts, like when I’m visiting, which is prolly why said desire for interaction is present atm; I haven’t spent long enough with them in the last month and a half to break through the novel of being back home and get to the ‘blech, siblings’). I know the biggest reason that I’m now okay with maybe going to SLU for medical school (that’s the only other St. Louis one) rather than just being all WashU!OMG (which I will never, never get in to since I went to the college I’m at, which is sad because I love it so hard. Single greatest fear right now is that I ruined my chances for medical school all together by taking this scholarship and going down here instead of to one of the more prestigious undergrad places that I got awesome scholarships for but that natch, couldn’t match up to this offer of everything) isn’t because I’ll be able to maybe live at home and thus actually maybe not come out of school OVER NINE (hundred) THOUSAND dollars in debt, but rather because I’m not good at forging connections with people, and if I go to Mizzou or the MD/JD place in Illinois or somewhere else, I will end up with zero local support system.

I think that might be a part of it. As much as I love [livejournal.com profile] bleakone to death, she’s the only friend I’ve got down here. I mean, it’s not a huge difference from high school, where I had lots of friends in school, but once the day was over they went and did things and I just went home. It feels different because I knew those people for years and talked to them every day and there was a lot more time to socialize in HS because it wasn’t as fast of a pace. Now, sure, I’m friendly with a couple of people (mostly ones who are in multiple classes with me or in my lab), but if pressed could I tell you their last name? Probably not. It doesn’t help that poetry’s my only class that’s not OMG SCIENCE AT BREAKNECK SPEED, and that one’s filled with god types (wearing my ‘Support Gay Couples’ shirt on Tuesday just to see how scorned I get—no kidding, we break into pods to sort of workshop on each other’s poems and invariably, there’s at least one poem out of the group that talks about how it’ll all be okay with Jesus) which, though often nice and were some of my best friends throughout my school days, are generally not my type. I’m just kind of lonely, I guess. I feel bad when I tell [livejournal.com profile] bleakone my awesomesauce stories ten billion times, but I want to Tell Somebody, you know, and Tweeting stuff and posting it on here (when I ever do—the Twitter is really making me pare down my info, which is good because I’m always way too verbose for anybody to read all the way through my stuff on here; the fact that I’ve always got so much to say that I never get it in under one page makes it daunting to update because I never get it done in one sitting!) is okay, but, you know, there’s not as much feedback as you’d get with an actual person.

And at the same time, I’m not . . . emotionally strong enough, I guess, to be one of those people with loads of friends. Not that I'm emotionally weak or anything, I suppose, I think I'm just weary (and wary) of it. So as usual when I’m whining, I don’t like something but I’m not going to do anything about fixing it. *sigh*
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (BoP)
Updates. Because it's been forever. Short and significantly less detailed than I have words to say, but that's the only way it'll get done at all because I keep putting off updating this baby because it feels so daunting because there's so much to say, and then it never happens. You know, procrastination FTW.

Microbiology thing (recap: professor was a douche, I got the highest grade of those that took test version #2 for the third exam and it was a 44% and he said tough shit when I suggested that he curve it at least even up to the test #1 average).
Debated whether to drop it or not. If I got a C (I was sitting at a 79.6% coming into the last lab test and the lecture final), it'd kill my average and look like shit on all med school apps, but as long as I kept As in everything else (like I was on track to do), my scholarship would be okay. Within 1% of not okay, but safe. Mom said that it wasn't worth the gamble to stay in in case something happened with one of the other classes or some such catastrophy that would cost me some $37,000 over the remaining years. But if I dropped, I'd have to find some way to stay and take summer classes because that was my big 5 hour course and therefore would put me below the renewal credit hour requirements, and I'd have to find a place to stay and pay for both that and the credits themselves because my scholarship doesn't work during the summer (which is dumb, and I hear they're talking about changing it now). Plus, I looked at the last units for both lab and lecture and it turned out that it was a lot medical, and I'd never gotten worse than a B on any of the legitimate tests, so I decided to go for it because medicine's my thing, and I pulled those high enough to get the B in the class. Still not what I want people to see for such an integral class on my med apps, but better than a C and I don't have to put my entire next semester's schedule on hold to retake it like I would if I dropped.

Chemistry thing.
This one is new and very scary because it was last minute. I blanked on a formula for the last test, which brought my average to some 0.17% below the "you don't have to take the final" cutoff. And I was stressing about the micro finals, so didn't really do a whole lot of studying for this one, especially because he was giving us a formula sheet. [livejournal.com profile] bleakone and I did anyway, but we were missing one of the tests to study from. Yeah, guess which chapter's formula section on the final was blank? Natch, the one we didn't study. So that one test managed to bring me down to an 89.6 or .7%, which I thought was an A. But I wasn't sure, so I went to check. He seemed to be indicating that no, that was a B. Which would fuck me over in terms of scholarship, and after I went to all that work with the micro to keep it. But it turned out (and I had worked out and brought all this math up there with me just in case, because I was moving back home the next day and didn't have time to screw around) that there was an extra credit thing that, to make a long story short, he had screwed up and I had pointed out to him back before when I thought that I was getting out of the final but he never changed because it turned out that it brought me up to the 0.17% below but he was going to be a dick and not roun3d up that little bit so it didn't matter. So I moved from having a high enough grade to almost get out of the final to walking away with a 90% even. Holy shit, was that close.

Computer thing.
Meanwhile, my computer died one night in the middle of finals. The screen just went grey. The computer was on, and the screen would dim like normal when it was on battery and get brighter when plugged in like it was supposed to, and if I'd had a spare monitor (as I'm doing now), I could have hooked it up fine, but nope. So that sucked. Know what else. Pretty sure that was THE FUCKING DAY AFTER my warranty expired. I haven't looked it up because it'll just make me sad. I haven't done anything with it yet mostly because it still sort of works now and I don't know if I can bear leaving it for however long. Which is bad. This week, I swear. I'm going to take it to the warranty place and if they tell me they can't do anything, I'll make Dad order the new LCD and we'll get to work putting it in.

In other news. I painted my fingernails two days in a row this week. Well, Kaci did it yesterday in a dark, denimy blue, and then I had been messing with my cuticles and ended up exposing a whole bunch of unpainted nail as well as chipping off some of it, so I put this awesome shimmery money-green on top. This is a once-every-two-or-so-years thing, so it's notable. I also have watched a lot of 30 Rock and SVU on the Roku/Netflix box since moving back home, as well as "Marley and Me" (at which Kaci cried, which means I almost cried because I'm reactive like that) and "Yes Man" tonight, played a lot of Sims, reread some 1600 pages of a Birds of Prey fic series, and did a couple of crossword puzzles. I'm casually looking for a job, but again, not so casually starting now. It's hard, as the computer I was using didn't have internet, and then the one that did doesn't have my CV on it because that's on the harddrive that crashed a few days ago (this one's def under warranty, though, as it's barely a few months old, so I've just got to get around to sending it off). And my thing at the gifted kids camp isn't going to work out because their enrollment is way down due to the economy and they've got a bunch of actual teachers that need to do their gifted practicums and so are taking my job (prolly because they don't have to pay them), and nobody else wants somebody just for the summer because there aren't that many jobs to begin with so it's not worth training somebody that's going to leave in 3 months. I could probably flip burgers or something, but I really need to do something I can put on my resume because this shit is important--hell, Harvard has "what you did with your summers" as a specific category on its list of things it looks at for med school. Not that I haven't blown my Harvard chances all to hell by getting a B in micro going to a podunk state school because it was free instead of the decent places my kickass test scores and all around geniosity (j/k) meant I should have gone if we weren't, you know, living off of teachers' salaries. But still. I'd like to go to Wash U at least, which is not exactly in the bottom 10, if you know what I mean.
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
The Organic Chemistry Backlash Grows

There may be some respite in sight: The year-long introductory course in orgo may soon be pared back to make room for other subjects. The Association of American Medical Colleges and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute have a committee working on what basic science all entering medical students should know. They’re likely to include biochemistry, genetics and statistics. It’s unclear what exactly will happen to orgo, but one aim is to give colleges latitude to experiment with interdisciplinary classes.

PLEASE TO BE DECIDING THIS IN THE NEXT SEMESTER OR TWO, KTHX. I really would like to not have to take this if at all possible. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm on track to be caught in the middle, which might end up either really screwing me or helping me out; I could end up being limited in where I apply based on whether I took orgo or whatever they replace the requirement with, or on the other hand have a lot more leeway because I'm a transition-year applicant and have schools be like "ehh, whatever you got around to taking is fine".
commotiocordis: (QPicard)
Went bowling again last night. Fun. I know I used to be better than this, though, LOL. I can't get a good balance between a ball that's light enough that it doesn't hurt me to throw (as I tend to pull things and twist things while bowling a lot) but one that's heavy enough that when I hit the pins right down the center, they actually all fall down.

I feel vaguely foolish right now, as there's nothing else on TV so I'm watching the volleyball game that's happening in another building less than 500 feet away. But also quite superior, as I'm able to watch the game (or really, listen, as I'm computering) while having the internets and air conditioning and the cocoa rice krispies that I nicked at brunch. It's a tournament, so I might go down at some point and watch one if I have nothing else to do, as I think it's all weekend. Prolly not, though, as the allure of sitting on my bed rather than on uncomfortable bleachers is too great.

It appears that I've misplaced my glasses, which is worrysome. If I knew that they were in my room somewhere, it'd be different, but as I also take them off when I work out (in a different building) and then possibly leave them in my pocket or something while I ride my bike back (meaning falling out is possible), they could really be anywhere.

Still no debit card, thanks credit union people, which means I can't yet join the pre-law frat for mock trial like I need to.

I'm 3/5 of the way to the freshman 15, which is very disturbing. And I'm feeling it, arthritis pain-wise, so we're working on curbing that. Problem is that I can't really account for it--I'd much prefer it if I had been all "LOL, caloriez!" lately, because then not only would I know why it happened, I'd know how to fix it. And as a result, I've gotten rather paranoid, all "Did they mix up the lines and maybe it's not really diet soda in the fountain?" and "Maybe that raspberry salad dressing isn't really only 15 calories!" and such.

Genetics test yesterday was not fun. There was a big long list of dates and events to memorize--some of these events had names associated with them. The instructions said to be able to match dates and events, I was able to do so. Problem was, about half of that matching section was events and names. When it gave me the event, I could tell you the year, but when that wasn't what they were asking, it did me no good. I'm not excited about the score for that exam.

Got up at 8 to take a practice L.S.A.T. (which I had to punctuate to stop spellcheck from changing to "last", grr) this morning, just for fun. I love the logic games section. In that I've always found those things fun. But man, do I spend a long time thinking about them! I'll really have to work on that. I had barely more than half the answers down before time was up on that section (though I'd worked on more problems than that, I only totally finished up/selected a final answer for 13/24). But I finished all the other sections quite early, so I marked where I was on the logic games section and went back and finished it with my extra time; I didn't know that there was no guessing penalty, so I had left the remaining 11 blank, which was quite conducive to going back.

Therefore, I've got three scores that I pulled out to look at, LOL: the score I got leaving the back 11 of the logic section blank, the score I got with the logic section completed (which required extending the time by about 12 minutes), and the score I would get assuming I guessed on the back 11 and got 3 (1/4 ish) correct. The third one is probably the most accurate, but it's the one for which I'm guessing on the actual L.S.A.T. index for (as I didn't know that guessing had no penalty until after I looked up the index for my other two raw scores--I just figured it out based on a little bit of math to find its place in the middle of the other two. Since it's bell curved, that isn't actually right, but should be close--I checked it on the raw score/index chart for another test that the two scores I had data for matched up with, so it probably varies no more than +/- 1.)

I'm satisfied. Never having seen the test before (not even knowing the structure of it, actually--I walked in completely blind) and with no prep, I got a 164 (with time, no guessing)/ 173 (without time)/ 170 (with time and guessing), 170 being my more accurate number as to what I'd actually get. Which, according to the 1998-2001 numbers (idk how much they apply now, but it's the best I can find), is the 98.21 percentile.

So, erm, damn. Might be having to go to law school. I don't anticipate scoring nearly as well on the MCATs, as they're so much more technical with the science and so. This was very verbal and logic based, which are skills of mine.

December 2014

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