commotiocordis

Good things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer

1. My GPA will go up considerably

Bad things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer

1. I have school straight through the entire summer, from this Monday to August.


2. I have to pay $1000+ for the anatomy class


3. I have to take the 3x more expensive (and super speedy, which could be bad) orgo class to fit it in


4. I have to get an A in it or it doesn't improve my GPA enough to have wasted the money

BUT THE FIRST ONE IS SO IMPORTANT WHAT DO I DO.

I think I know the answer, though. I can't afford it, and I'd feel bad asking my parents to pay $4000 for summer tuition. But on the other hand, getting into med school eventually vs not getting into med school. And if this were to, you know, help me become a doctor, it would be a good financial investment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL AND MAKING DECISIONS AND BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.


I'm so frustrated that by having my little freakout and getting on the medicine that made me pretty much non-functional (feeling better, btw. Side effects still killer, but at least not brainfog; anxiety still bad, but depression maybe a little better? Just realized this is the expected week for Alexandria's Requisite Monthly Suicidal Crisis and things are only slightly worse than baseline, so holy shit yessss), I've now stretched out my classes. I've got two finals tomorrow I haven't prepared at all for because I've been worried about making arrangements for the molecular biology class I missed a paper and two tests for; arrangements should be put in place by this afternoon, but I don't know when I'll be able to make up the work (when they will be here, when I will be here). I'd like to be able to do it in the next three weeks because I'll be down here taking another class (Forensic Child Psychology, which I'm hoping will be interesting), but who knows how much work I'll have for that class? I feel like I'm going to have to give them an ETA when I meet with the teachers this afternoon on when I want to take the two tests and turn in the paper, but until I know what's going to happen in the summer class, I don't really want to say.

Basically, Roommate came home all "KJASDLFKJASLDFKJASDKFJ I'M DONE OH MY GOD BEST EVER" and now I'm like "fuck. Why couldn't you have just pushed through it; you'd be done and not have to worry about this class anymore." Even though I know I couldn't have because I was so scatterbrained, and alternatingly super anxious and sedated, and basically worthless for pretty much two weeks, because I'm not feeling it now, it's hard to sympathize with past me. (I'm making perfect sense; you're just not keeping up.)

This is Another Whiny Post.


You know what sucks? Invisible disabilities.

I mean obviously, but I was just thinking about what it's going to be like when I have to tell my parents that I lost my scholarship. I'm probably not going to get screamed at, but worse IMO, just disapproving looks and talk about how I should have tried harder and how they can't believe I've squandered this opportunity.

It's such a fucking struggle for me to try to accept the fact that some of my screw-upedness might not always be because I'm not good enough, and that maybe some of it is beyond my control, and them reinforcing the fact that This Wouldn't Have Happened If I'd Just Tried Harder will be seriously not helpful.

Because 99% of me 99% of the time is positive that they're right. And either way, whether I don't try or I can't try, it boils down to the same thing: I'm just not good enough.