Apr. 10th, 2011

commotiocordis: A still image, green on black, of an electrocardiogram readout depicting the heart rhythm asystole. (asystole)

  • Start thinking about what I've got to get done today/tomorrow.

  • Have second panic attack of the morning.

  • Jesus how am I on #2 already I woke up an hour ago.

I wanted to go back to sleep for a little bit (I guess I probably got a decent amount of sleep, but might as well eke out as much as possible on the weekend, yk?), but obvs not happening now without drugs. But I might be okay with that if it stops my chest hurting this much.

The problem is that if I take my sedative things (I'd totally forgotten until a few days ago that that's pm what my migraine pills were), I run into the same reason I couldn't take them all week -- I'm having these panic attacks over fear that I'm out of time/have screwed things up seriously badly/won't be able to perform at the level I need to to make up for my past fucking up, and by taking them, I knock myself out for a few hours and decrease potential time that I should be studying/writing my papers/etc.

FUCK I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

Idk why I'm using my "requisite monthly suicidal crisis" tag except that it's my new go-to for mental freakouts. We're right around that time, true, but this has been going on for two weeks now. I've literally not been able to fall asleep without a panic attack for two weeks straight, save this past Friday and Saturday when I was able to take meds. This is getting ridiculous.

I mean, as per usual, super high stress about grades and such --> panic attacks and super depression --> not being able to function to go to class/study/write papers/take tests --> bad grades --> super high stress about grades and such . . . .

I'm kind of glad I'm not going home next weekend like I'm supposed to, because I'm pretty sure if I did, I'd end up having some kind of freakout and refuse to come back.

The only thing that's keeping me on the path I'm on right now is inertia. If I actually had the emotional capacity right now to make a reasoned choice about the best thing for my heath and the best thing for not having some kind of psychotic break, I'd be out of here like a shot. I keep saying that I'm done, that I can't do it anymore, but nothing ever changes. I barely pass (though doubtful that's going to happen this time, as I'm in considerably a worse situation scholastically) and just keep on going, and the same stuff happens and things pile up and pile up and get worse and I get crazier and I'm pretty sure there's kind of a ceiling on crazy. Like, eventually I'll stop inching towards crazy and be actually there.


I've sort of meted out that there are vaguely three choices:
  1. I keep going as I am, escalating from depression to panic attacks to, idk, full on crazy, at which point choose options 2 or 3.

  2. I stand up and say "Fine, brain. You fucking win. I am evidently too mentally ill to keep going to school. I'll go be a fry cook or something."

  3. Or I kill myself.
And I'm really really bad at admitting defeat.

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