(no subject)

[commotiocordis]

Bible chapter that needs turned into a hit song? Ezekel 23. Contains such lines (in Young's Literal Translation) as:

2 Two women were daughters of one mother,
3 And they go a-whoring in Egypt, In their youth they have gone a-whoring, There they have bruised their breasts, And there they have dealt with the loves of their virginity. (This one's the chorus.)

8 And her whoredoms out of Egypt she hath not forsaken, For with her they lay in her youth, And they dealt with the loves of her virginity, And they pour out their whoredoms on her.

9 Therefore I have given her into the hand of her lovers, Into the hand of sons of Asshur on whom she doted.
10 They have uncovered her nakedness, Her sons and her daughters they have taken, And her by sword they have slain, And she is a name for women, And judgments they have done with her.
11 And see doth her sister Aholibah, And she maketh her doting love more corrupt than she, And her whoredoms than the whoredoms of her sister.

17 And come in unto her do sons of Babylon, To the bed of loves, And they defile her with their whoredoms, And she is defiled with them, And her soul is alienated from them.

19 And she multiplieth her whoredoms, To remember the days of her youth, When she went a-whoring in the land of Egypt.
20 And she doteth on their paramours, Whose flesh [is] the flesh of asses, And the issue of horses -- their issue.

NB: Yes, hung like donkeys comes from the bible. Who knew? That's how I originally found this passage, natch. You know how some people sign things with Bible verses or put them on their checks or something, just the book + chapter:verse? I wanted to start doing that with a fun one, just occasionally, to see if anybody ever looks them up.

First, I was thinking of the shellfish is an abomination one (which, thanks to President Bartlet, I can tell you is Leviticus 11:10), just to counter the homosexuality is an abomination verse later in the same book and because it's delightfully random, but the actual text isn't very poetic, so I went shopping around. From the site I found that highlighted 19 and 20 of this passage: This verse is particularly explicit, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile. Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews' former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you're happy with their enormous dongs."

Finishing reading the aforementioned site (9 Most Badass Bible Verses on Cracked.com), and my stomach muscles are cramping up from the laughter (atm, as a result of the ball crushing bit). Seriously. I interweave the link no longer: read this.


In other, significantly more TMI news, a letter.

Dear Vagina.
Seriously, WTF? A super plus tampon in an hour? We're not 12 anymore, thanks.
Sincerely,
Alexandria

And to cap it off, I may need to scrounge up the dinero to pay my entire semester's tuition sometime next week, as the school decided to be a dickwad and change around their payment schedule so I only get my scholarship money a month after tuition is due. What. The. Fuck. Sure hope the parents are feeling generous, as 98% of my money's tied up in a CD until February.

Comments

[someidiot.livejournal.com]

The Bible: Providing the masses with erotica since 1AD!

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Isn't that just trufax. Seriously, I would have paid a lot more attention all those years in church if they read the good stuff.