Never Again (TNG Beverly/Deanna)

[commotiocordis]

Cleaning out my "almost done" fic folder. It's mostly ancient stuff I never got around to posting because I couldn't come up with a title or there was a single line or two I wasn't happy with yet, and 87 fics/fic ideas/fic fragments is way too freaking many to have on my computer. Mostly because I'd be heartbroken if my computer died and I lost them (as has happened several times), even if I'd never otherwise get around to posting anything. So I'm finding the ones closest to being done and making myself finish them up. Here's one such more-than-three year old fic.

Never Again
Author: crashcart9 (CrashCart9[at]Yahoo[dot]com)
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Pairing: Beverly Crusher/Deanna Troi, implied Picard/Crusher and Riker/Troi
Date written: February 8, 2007 (mostly)
Set: During ST: Nemesis, post-wedding and pre-everything going down.
Rating: R
Summary: “You kissed her husband at the reception. You couldn’t bring yourself to kiss her."



The wedding was a tangible reminder of everything you don’t have.

No husband. (you know he’s supposed to be yours. you wonder what went wrong.)
No wife.

You kissed her husband at the reception. You couldn’t bring yourself to kiss her.

It was too permanent. Too final.


No longer can you run a hand along her back to rest on her hip when you’re in your office together. (you remember the first time that you did that. you saw the initial surprise on her face vanish into a quirky grin and the side of her body pressed against yours as she looked into your eyes and read your intentions with that impeccable skill you’ve always envied.) Never again will she smile as you do so, turning her cheek to brush yours because she knows exactly what you’re doing.

There will be no more mini-vacations; no more massages together in strange locales, arms brushing together as they hang from the adjacent tables. (you remember the pleased moans the masseuse working her muscles elicited. you practiced the techniques for weeks so that you could take over from the hologram. so that you could be the one to make her moan like that.) Your jobs will be no longer intertwined, and there will be no excuse for business meetings over dinner that were truly nothing more than drawn out flirtations.

You can’t let your leg rest against hers in the ready room, leeching out the comfort inherent in her touch as her leg pressed back, her hand moving to rest on your thigh under the table when things were bad or if you were feeling particularly overwhelmed. (you can’t count how many conferences, how many situations you only managed to keep your cool in because of the grounding of her touch.)

You waited too long. Instead of taking, keeping, being with her, (the woman you loved. the woman who loved you.) you hesitated. You pulled back, refused to commit, following some blind feeling that dictated that someone, somewhere in the universe had decided that you and he (your late husband’s friend. your friend. your boss.) were to be together whether you liked it or not.

(you and he converge and diverge and have been doing so for what seems your entire lives. you’re getting too old for these games.)
(she was constant.)

You wonder if her husband knows that she called you Imzadi too.
(she was beneath you: sweaty and disheveled and utterly gorgeous, your lips against her breast, her thigh pressing between your legs. you remember her screaming it wordlessly into your mind as you pushed her over the edge. you were hurt, you pulled away; you thought she was talking about him. she explained that the translation was flawed, there were connotations beyond simple number. and that she meant you.)
(you looked into her eyes. you believed. and you understood.)


The past tense feels like a weight on your heart.

(you don’t know what to do. normally, when you’re feeling like this, you would go to her.)


You lost your chance.

She’s married now. And she’s leaving.

And you will never kiss her again.

Comments

[sophia-gratia.livejournal.com]

Damn near squealed aloud in this very public place. Favorite pairing! And oh, ouch but that's bittersweet. Well played.

(And if it's okay, I'll friend you on the sole ground that I think it's halfway to heroic to be posting TNG femmeslash these days – thin on the ground, you know.)

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! Thin on the ground indeed, which baffles my mind, because they're best friends--it's not at all hard to push them the extra inch. And definitely feel free to friend me, but it's not likely you'll see much, sadly--my recent upswing in posting thanks to a few weeks of vacation aside, I'm mostly using Twitter these days. But yes! Go for it, and if you actually ever want to hear from me, you should hit me up on Twitter (same username) XD

[carinjo.livejournal.com]

i love me some crusher/troi!! sad, but oh so good. go on, give us another one.

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

:) I don't think I have any more TNG fics started at the moment, and I'm staunchly refusing to let myself start any more fics I won't ever finish except for the one I jotted down yesterday, but it's definitely a pairing I love, so there may be more at some point. I'm a firm believer in "Oh, there aren't any fics in this pairing I like? Well, then, I suppose I'll have to write some!" XD

[carinjo.livejournal.com]

how about dusting off some of the unfinished fics and add a sentence or two *grin* ? i'm keen on almost any pairing and i like your writing

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

I'm unbelievably flattered! I've been working on trying to finish a B'Elanna/Seven vid I conceptualized when I was probably 13 so I can get all these darn episodes off of my computer, and I'm realizing I probably could have finished *half* the close-to-done fics in the two days I've now spent doing nothing but watching Voyager episodes and making clips XD. Anything I write--if I like it ;)--will end up getting pimped around to the various comms, so hopefully it'll pass in your direction. (Seriously, flattered beyond belief. Thanks!)

[ariestess]

Oh my... So powerfully poignant, beautifully flawed, and heartbreakingly tragic. I wanted to give your Bev a hug and encourage her to go get what was hers...

Is there any chance I can archive a copy of this on the Deanna & Bev pages over at Mmm...Doctor! as well as on the soon-to-be-debuted scifi/fantasy page over at ShatterStorm Productions?

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And totally--I love your archives. I have as much of a powerfulfemaledoctor!kink as any other premedical student, so I'd be beyond proud to have anything of mine on your site.

[korenap.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the pain, how about a break up the marriages sequel. We know Picard and beverly bit the dust, and really Riker for ever and ever...gotta get that one way out off the brain. Good job.

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Hee, maybe someday. I'd have to catch up on Titan (I think I'm a book or two behind) and I know almost nothing about the P/C post-Nemesis plotline except it happened (and there maybe was a baby?), but you know that's how it's going to end. Both of them put too much emphasis on this one person that they thought was supposed to be their One True Love, and when reality ruined the fantasy, years later they found themselves falling back into the reality that the relationship between the two of them worked.

[cosmic-llin.livejournal.com]

Oooh, this is lovely.

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[lynchgrrrl88.livejournal.com]

I do like a bit of Crusher/ Troi! Great fic :D

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Thanks! They're BFF-y enough that it's such an easy pairing; I'm surprised the internets haven't seen fit for there to be quite a bit more.

[djshiva.livejournal.com]

Ouchie. That one hurt, but it's a good hurt.

Had never read this pairing, but I love Star Trek anything, so thanks! :)

[crashcart9.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Beverly/Deanna is hardly as popular as the Voyager ships; hell, I think there is even more Enterprise femslash than TNG, but their friendship makes it so easy.