From Twitter 10-01-2009

• 13:59:49: Someone was using the gel electrophoresis machine in lab. I'm now 1.5hrs behind bc the run was supposed to go while I was in another class.
  
• 18:09:24: Did lots of awesome science today, despite electrophoresis delay and how I got to go home for all of 5 minutes before lab meeting.
  
• 18:10:30: Also, TOSH!COMPUTER IS DONE. They shipped it this morning and hopefully I'll have it Saturday. Still don't forgive them. 31 days =/= 7-10.
  
• 20:13:46: Headache. And can't figure out why I can't nap--sure, twas going 2b of pretty fail duration anyway, but I've still woken up thrice. Blargh.
  

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(no subject)

Home for the weekend. Monday's going to suck epicly, because I haven't done any of my homework and won't be getting back until late on Sunday night (probably 11), so I don't know when that's getting done. Tack on test on Tuesday, test on Wednesday, and because I skipped out on Friday's classes to leave on Thursday to go do some market research thing, I got a 0 on an organic chem quiz thing (they drop the lowest 5 of 20, but the 6 or so we've done so far have all been *really* low and I can't fucking figure out why) and missed the video that explains most of the last chapter we covered in biochem that will be a good 1/3 of the Wednesday test.

So, pretty epic FML at the moment. I'm sick as well, and being home when it's temporary and I have this major deluge of homework waiting always makes me stressed all to hell, so I'm panicky and miserable. It really hit me at one point that if I were somebody else, I could just blow all this off, get married and stay home and raise my kids. Ahh, the easy way out. (Not that, you know, raising kids is easy and anything but very emotionally taxing, but possibly slightly less mentally taxing than graduate-level molecular biology courses.)

<--- As usual, this was written a week ago. Was opening up LJ to bitch about how I broke a nail and have to spend my entire Saturday doing practice runs of the MCAT followed by the GRE from 9-5ish tomorrow, and it popped up the beginning bit that I’d forgotten I’d lost when the tablet locked up on me. So, elaboration.

Do you ever get that? I have aunts and uncles and people in my classes that were/are married at this age. At younger than this age, even. And it kind of makes me wonder what I’m doing. I guess science, is what. And I’m cool with that; I don’t date, and I’m not really interested in it , I don’t think, but there’s this feeling like I’m missing out on something. It was the same way with parties and such in HS. It wasn’t my style of evening just because my friends didn’t do that kind of thing, so I knew I wouldn’t like it because nobody I liked would be there. But would I have gone. . . idk, clubbing or something if people I liked were doing so? Yeah. I probably would have had a good time, too.

I’m not even 20 yet, but even just thinking about when I hit that, it seems like. . . idk. It’s not me. I don’t feel like a grownup yet. I want nothing more than to stay home and tag along when my parents go to the store just because I’ve got nothing better to do, and to have the whole family to interact with (even though it’s not like we get along horridly well—much better in short spurts, like when I’m visiting, which is prolly why said desire for interaction is present atm; I haven’t spent long enough with them in the last month and a half to break through the novel of being back home and get to the ‘blech, siblings’). I know the biggest reason that I’m now okay with maybe going to SLU for medical school (that’s the only other St. Louis one) rather than just being all WashU!OMG (which I will never, never get in to since I went to the college I’m at, which is sad because I love it so hard. Single greatest fear right now is that I ruined my chances for medical school all together by taking this scholarship and going down here instead of to one of the more prestigious undergrad places that I got awesome scholarships for but that natch, couldn’t match up to this offer of everything) isn’t because I’ll be able to maybe live at home and thus actually maybe not come out of school OVER NINE (hundred) THOUSAND dollars in debt, but rather because I’m not good at forging connections with people, and if I go to Mizzou or the MD/JD place in Illinois or somewhere else, I will end up with zero local support system.

I think that might be a part of it. As much as I love bleakone to death, she’s the only friend I’ve got down here. I mean, it’s not a huge difference from high school, where I had lots of friends in school, but once the day was over they went and did things and I just went home. It feels different because I knew those people for years and talked to them every day and there was a lot more time to socialize in HS because it wasn’t as fast of a pace. Now, sure, I’m friendly with a couple of people (mostly ones who are in multiple classes with me or in my lab), but if pressed could I tell you their last name? Probably not. It doesn’t help that poetry’s my only class that’s not OMG SCIENCE AT BREAKNECK SPEED, and that one’s filled with god types (wearing my ‘Support Gay Couples’ shirt on Tuesday just to see how scorned I get—no kidding, we break into pods to sort of workshop on each other’s poems and invariably, there’s at least one poem out of the group that talks about how it’ll all be okay with Jesus) which, though often nice and were some of my best friends throughout my school days, are generally not my type. I’m just kind of lonely, I guess. I feel bad when I tell bleakone my awesomesauce stories ten billion times, but I want to Tell Somebody, you know, and Tweeting stuff and posting it on here (when I ever do—the Twitter is really making me pare down my info, which is good because I’m always way too verbose for anybody to read all the way through my stuff on here; the fact that I’ve always got so much to say that I never get it in under one page makes it daunting to update because I never get it done in one sitting!) is okay, but, you know, there’s not as much feedback as you’d get with an actual person.

And at the same time, I’m not . . . emotionally strong enough, I guess, to be one of those people with loads of friends. Not that I'm emotionally weak or anything, I suppose, I think I'm just weary (and wary) of it. So as usual when I’m whining, I don’t like something but I’m not going to do anything about fixing it. *sigh*

(no subject)

But also, there is No Time in my life when I don’t have something I should be doing. Something scholastic, usually, as my MCAT scores sucked on this self-timed practice one I did, which scared me all to fuck because my MCAT scores were what I was counting on to get me into medical school since my GPA isn’t impressive and I’m at a podunk state school (also, why does Word want to capitalize “Podunk”?).

Time management is really biting me in the ass atm. Even just trying to conceptualize what I should be doing when (not helped by the fact that the email system we switched to at school that has all my Outlook calendars I made on the old system refuses to connect to the Outlook program on my computer and give me them back).

( A list of what I'm doing (or not doing) lately: )

Met with the chemistry coordinator for my orgo service thing finally today, though, which I'd been putting off finding the time to do to turn in these forms because they were already late and I'm a wuss. She was uber nice. She's pretty old (60 at least, though I'm not good at guessing anybody's age, especially older folks) and reminded me a lot of my two grandmothers combined--sort of looked like my maternal, but had a slight southern accent like my paternal. Glancing at her bulliton board, it looks like she teaches mostly chemistry for non chem majors, which could be fun. It'd be like teaching high school chemistry--you could do a lot of the fun stuff because it's not like these people are ever going to need to know how to identify 1-propyl 4-chloromethyl heptene on the spot. Not that anybody would ever need to (even if you were a chemist, I'm pretty sure you'd have a second to look it up), but still.

Kinda disappointed about the MCAT/GRE practice thing tomorrow—the gay/straight alliance at school’s having a barbeque that I wanted to go to in the afternoon. Considered just taking the MCAT and going to the barbeque, but no. Shall be responsible. Also wanted to take the LSAT again, but it's at the same time as the MCAT, which is too bad, because the MCAT is going to make me want to slit my wrists, but the LSAT and how I rock it is a decent ego boost. (Acronym translation just in case this is baffling: MCAT=medical college admissions test, the pretest for med school. LSAT=same thing but for law school. GRE=same thing but for generic graduate school; more like the undergrad college admissions tests that have english and math and writing and such.)

I'm in the library atm, plugged into the wired connection on the tablet because I haven't downloaded the wireless update since I wiped it a few days ago and reloaded XP Tablet on it instead of the XP professional I had before that wasn't giving me the tablet functionality regularly. When I tried to load XP Tablet on top of the XP-Pro, like you can do with most Windows OS, it stalled on the install, so I had to reinstall regular XP Professional which ended up with me having one XP-Pro install that worked and one that was stuck halfway through being written over by Tablet. It worked fine like that for a week or two, but eventually the whole mess of things got to where I had to boot into the second OS under safe mode to not bluescreen out and blech. It worked, but was annoying. Going to see if I can get the tech people here to decipher their own instructions for setting up the new university mail with Outlook, because they don't work. Frustrating as hell; I've tried it I don't know how many times on the tablet under various hard drives and OS installs. But because I don't have the wireless (tried to download the update, but the wire here is so freaking slow--we're talking sub-dial up speeds for some reason), I've got to get one of them to come over here, which means unplugging my computer and bringing it over to the desk or leaving it here and going to get one of them, and it's just been less work to stay here and keep typing.

Shall do now, though, as bleakone's probably out of class in a few minutes and we'll be going home where hopefully, I can await the return of Tosh, the computer that was stolen by the fucktards at the Toshiba official repair depot for, from the day I sent it off to today, 36 days. And refused to do anything about it when I called and asked them what the fuck was up with them lying to me and saying 7-10 days. I get that it was on hold for parts for two weeks (sort of--shouldn't the official Toshiba place *have* all the Toshiba parts?) and that wasn't expected when they gave me the estimate, but 7-10 days after I sent it off they hadn't even put it on the repair desk, so that's bullshit.

ETA: Tosh is here! The screen works, the keyboard has been replaced, the fucktards wiped it like they said they wouldn't, but I backed stuff up so I'm not that pissed. What does piss me off is that they didn't replace the screen. In fact, they made the artifacting and little bruises and dead pixels worse. Idk what to do now. I think I'll call tomorrow or Monday or something and see what they say, because there's a whole circular bit in the middle of the screen where it looks like the pixels are half blue. (Most noticeable on a black screen, natch.) This was not there before. Displeased.