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May. 14th, 2007 12:15 amClasses are winding to a close and I find myself quite miserable.
I haven't been able to turn in that history paper that I wasn't writing when I was sick because of my stupid teacher complex. It's worse this year than ever before; I'm simply incapable of turning things in late (even if it was because I was sick) because I hate drawing attention to myself in that way. And it screws me over something fierce; without this paper, I've got a C for semester at best. Turn it in, I might be able to pull a B. (And it's only not an A because I pulled the same shit the quarter before this one, was sick and never made up a couple of quizzes or turned in one assignment and ended up with a D for first quarter.)
And the problem's the worst with this one teacher. I don't know why. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to turn this paper in. But now I've let it get two weeks late, so it's even harder, you know? That's the problem with this weirdothing of mine. I make up some excuse to myself or conveniently forget for days and days and days, and it gets worse and worse because whatever was due/needed to be taken longer and longer ago.
I'm doing something I never do now, though, actually checking my grades on the online thing. I never do it because I just don't want to see, honestly, because I've totally fucked up my life this semester, and the few times I do look I tend to close the page wanting to die.
Yeah, right now it's a D- in history. I've got to fucking turn that thing in. But I can't exactly walk up there and go "Here, I know it's 2 weeks late but I've developed this gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear of talking to teachers and so in order to avoid all confrontation, I've simply not handed it in until now; even though every day when I walk through the door I plan to give it to you, I freak out or rationalize some excuse about why it's not a good day and end up just not being able to. But I'm actually doing it now, because I'm not fucking ending the year on such a horrible note, with me giving in to this stupid shyness shit I thought I beat back in elementary school. That and if I actually end up with a D on my report card for semester I think I probably will kill myself because as of right now I've not been seeing many reasons not to," because I'll either not do it at all or end up crying because I've been so miserable lately and I'm not going to fucking cry in front of my history teacher, because I know a lot of my problem with handing in things late is that it makes me look weak and leaves me vulnerable and stuff and crying will do both to a factor of 10.
And I just did the math and there's no way for me to pull a B in history at all. I thought the D from 3rd quarter was higher than it was, making it possible, but no. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I went from As in all but 2 classes first semester to maybe one A in the bunch, a bunch of Bs, and either a C or a D depending on whether I keep fucking myself up and hand in this bloody paper or not.
I know I've said this a bazillion times, but I've got the biggest feeling of desperation right now because I don't know what I'm going to do. I almost want to just ask somebody else to hand the paper in for me, or slip it in his desk or something, but I have a feeling that if I don't explain something that there's no chance I'll get any kind of credit for it. I wanted to talk to the counselor at school about it when I was in there on Thursday working on scheduling stuff but blaming it on there not being enough time, I fucking chickened out there too and didn't even mention it. I'll probably have to try to talk to her about it again, though, because I know with my mood right now that I'm going to end up crying when I'm trying to explain it, but at least with her there's the female factor so it's less intimidating (I seriously think the fact that he's a man has something to do with why it's worse with him than some of my other teachers. I don't understand why I've all of a sudden developed a man-complex, but I just realized that I pulled the same crap a few weeks ago and never made up a quiz for my Spanish teacher, who's also male, suggesting more than a little correlation there) and the fact that she already knows that I've been having problems this year and so maybe can help me talk to him and put in some kind of good word behind my back that will make him a little more amenable to giving me credit.
Yes. I've been stressing about exams and this and such, which I think has contributed both to my uber bad allergy attack these last few weeks (it's never been this bad in my entire life) and the severity of this hormonally-induced mood downswing (this version of the pill has done nothing for me-didn't fix the moods, didn't lessen the cramps, didn't shorten/lessen the actual period, nothing. I'm going to have to get switched pretty soon, as I think after 3 months I should be seeing something). And both of those have equaled me not studying for the big chemistry exam on Tuesday (meaning tomorrow, damn it), which have equaled more stress and miserableness in the big neverending cycle that I've acknowledged but not been able to break free from all year.
So if any of you have magic telepathic history teacher mind-bending grade-changing powers and would like to aim them my way, that'd be lovely. Otherwise, I've got to suck it up and go talk to him. Perhaps if I give him the paper and maybe ask him if I can take a final or something (as the class is exempt) to boost it a couple of points?
I haven't been able to turn in that history paper that I wasn't writing when I was sick because of my stupid teacher complex. It's worse this year than ever before; I'm simply incapable of turning things in late (even if it was because I was sick) because I hate drawing attention to myself in that way. And it screws me over something fierce; without this paper, I've got a C for semester at best. Turn it in, I might be able to pull a B. (And it's only not an A because I pulled the same shit the quarter before this one, was sick and never made up a couple of quizzes or turned in one assignment and ended up with a D for first quarter.)
And the problem's the worst with this one teacher. I don't know why. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to turn this paper in. But now I've let it get two weeks late, so it's even harder, you know? That's the problem with this weirdothing of mine. I make up some excuse to myself or conveniently forget for days and days and days, and it gets worse and worse because whatever was due/needed to be taken longer and longer ago.
I'm doing something I never do now, though, actually checking my grades on the online thing. I never do it because I just don't want to see, honestly, because I've totally fucked up my life this semester, and the few times I do look I tend to close the page wanting to die.
Yeah, right now it's a D- in history. I've got to fucking turn that thing in. But I can't exactly walk up there and go "Here, I know it's 2 weeks late but I've developed this gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear of talking to teachers and so in order to avoid all confrontation, I've simply not handed it in until now; even though every day when I walk through the door I plan to give it to you, I freak out or rationalize some excuse about why it's not a good day and end up just not being able to. But I'm actually doing it now, because I'm not fucking ending the year on such a horrible note, with me giving in to this stupid shyness shit I thought I beat back in elementary school. That and if I actually end up with a D on my report card for semester I think I probably will kill myself because as of right now I've not been seeing many reasons not to," because I'll either not do it at all or end up crying because I've been so miserable lately and I'm not going to fucking cry in front of my history teacher, because I know a lot of my problem with handing in things late is that it makes me look weak and leaves me vulnerable and stuff and crying will do both to a factor of 10.
And I just did the math and there's no way for me to pull a B in history at all. I thought the D from 3rd quarter was higher than it was, making it possible, but no. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I went from As in all but 2 classes first semester to maybe one A in the bunch, a bunch of Bs, and either a C or a D depending on whether I keep fucking myself up and hand in this bloody paper or not.
I know I've said this a bazillion times, but I've got the biggest feeling of desperation right now because I don't know what I'm going to do. I almost want to just ask somebody else to hand the paper in for me, or slip it in his desk or something, but I have a feeling that if I don't explain something that there's no chance I'll get any kind of credit for it. I wanted to talk to the counselor at school about it when I was in there on Thursday working on scheduling stuff but blaming it on there not being enough time, I fucking chickened out there too and didn't even mention it. I'll probably have to try to talk to her about it again, though, because I know with my mood right now that I'm going to end up crying when I'm trying to explain it, but at least with her there's the female factor so it's less intimidating (I seriously think the fact that he's a man has something to do with why it's worse with him than some of my other teachers. I don't understand why I've all of a sudden developed a man-complex, but I just realized that I pulled the same crap a few weeks ago and never made up a quiz for my Spanish teacher, who's also male, suggesting more than a little correlation there) and the fact that she already knows that I've been having problems this year and so maybe can help me talk to him and put in some kind of good word behind my back that will make him a little more amenable to giving me credit.
Yes. I've been stressing about exams and this and such, which I think has contributed both to my uber bad allergy attack these last few weeks (it's never been this bad in my entire life) and the severity of this hormonally-induced mood downswing (this version of the pill has done nothing for me-didn't fix the moods, didn't lessen the cramps, didn't shorten/lessen the actual period, nothing. I'm going to have to get switched pretty soon, as I think after 3 months I should be seeing something). And both of those have equaled me not studying for the big chemistry exam on Tuesday (meaning tomorrow, damn it), which have equaled more stress and miserableness in the big neverending cycle that I've acknowledged but not been able to break free from all year.
So if any of you have magic telepathic history teacher mind-bending grade-changing powers and would like to aim them my way, that'd be lovely. Otherwise, I've got to suck it up and go talk to him. Perhaps if I give him the paper and maybe ask him if I can take a final or something (as the class is exempt) to boost it a couple of points?
