So, my days continue. I do science in my lab, fail at science inexplicably if it's organic chemistry, write poetry in the hour or two I have before poetry class on Thursday to hand in and am apparently not suck at it as I've got one of two As in the class, volunteer (sort of unvolunteery, as it wasn't exactly my choice) at this children's science museum, eat too much, exercise too little, and hate myself to excess.
( Poetry )( Organic Chemistry )( Biomolecular Interactions )I do need to stop just taking graded tests at their word. I'm not really checking any of them over at all, even just to see what I missed and make sure I learn it, which is bad. Mostly because I don't want to face these grades again, you know, as school is my entire measure of personal success. Basically, I'm pulling the same self-defeating shit I pulled all through high school except now I'm pulling it where it really matters and I'm not going to be able to sneak by anyway because This Is It.
I'm
so fucking terrified that every little thing is going to be the one that stops me from going to medical school. I mean, I've talked about this frankly before--if I don't get in to medical school, I'm probably going to kill myself because I do not know what I'm going to do with my life. I've been saying that forever, but as this possible future appears to be becoming a probability (my MCAT scores on the practice test sucking, now my grades as usual being not good), you'd expect that I'd back off from that a bit, especially as how I've been all "Ooh, I wish I could do this and that and major in this and go work in politics blah blah" lately. Not at all. It's not because I don't know what else I can do with my life (I'd have to switch majors, but I love politics crazy hard, and I could see myself teaching AP biology or chemistry [ha! but I did well in genchem] or even English), but because this is, on Alexandria scale, the
ultimate failure. If something that has guided every single decision I have ever made in my life ends up not coming to fruition, what the fuck have I lived the past 19 years for?
Anyway. Either my nap today was more productive than I thought (I was waking up every couple of minutes, though, so I doubt it) or I'm more miserable than I thought, because I just realized that it's the second day of daylight savings time, so my body should think it's almost 6am (though it's 5) and yet I'm not tired. Massive headache that I had most of yesterday and came back a few hours ago is also probably a contributing factor. Blargh.
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