(no subject)

Okay, so there's this girl, right? And I was in love with her last year. And she jerked me around, called me her girlfriend, kissed me, then when I tried to define things between us, decided that she didn't feel that way. And I was pretty sure she was straight, until then. And I was pretty sure she is straight, more or less. She's a slasher, so she can't be all straight, but probably a 1 or 1.5 on the Kinsey scale. Compared to my 4 to 4.5. So I kinda taught my self over her, if that makes any sense. Katie didn't like me, I needed to stop fawning over her. And I thought it went away. But it didn't. Ever, really. Caught myself doing it again. It's just like my first real crush (on my orchestra teacher), I'll do anything for her if she asks, no matter how much it screws me. I went to this French club thing (and I take Spanish) instead of making up this chem exam because she asked me to. (Which I now am no longer ready for whatsoever. I was all studied up on Tuesday, but the teacher couldn't find a copy, so she told me to take it Wednesday, when I went to the thing with Katie, and I had orchestra on Thursday and again tomorrow... so I'm absolutely not going to be prepared.)

But, to the point of this. When I got myself a girlfriend in May, Katie told her that if she ever hurt me, if I ever came to her crying or upset, that she'd find out where she lives and take a shovel to her head as she sleeps. I'm reading Willow/Buffy quotes, and one has Willow lecturing a love-interest of Buffy's :
Willow: Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
So... I don't think that means anything. I'm trying not to think that means anything. That doesn't mean anything, right?


And goddess, this love shit sucks. I'm somewhere in between being a hopeless romantic (you should hear me waxing poetically about Xena and Gabrielle [yes, they're fiction, no, I don't know the difference] and how they're soulmates) and following the ages old adage (or Callisto line, however you want to take it): Love is a trick that nature plays to get us to reproduce.
Honestly, right now I'm leaning more towards love only existing in fiction. There are all these stories, and I'm all OTP and true love, and mushy like, but lately my life has just sucked so much that I don't think I believe in love anymore.


And I'm worried that I'm getting sick again. But there's no way in hell I'm going back on the medicine. I read some thing in Newsweek or some such about withdrawal times on SSRIs. They said Effexor XR's time was generally like 1-2 days. I want to tell that researcher to come and say that to my face. (Being the girl that threw up for 3 weeks after the final weaning dose and for the first few days afterward believed her shoelaces were bananas. Yes, hallucinations. And this happened when I'd miss a day also, minus the hallucinations. I'd feel carsick. That's the only way I can think to describe it. But without being in a car. Rolling over in bed would trigger it, any kind of motion.)


And stress sucks. I've gotten to the point where my grades are crap because I'm trying not to screw myself up again, so I'll do what I've decided to do tonight and go to bed instead of staying up all night to work on homework. But I'm still having insomnia and getting these little stomach jitters (which I think cause the insomnia) whenever I even think about sleeping when I've not finished everything. But it's getting worse; if I happen to think about something even a long time from now that I'll have to do something for (seeing/hearing/thinking the word "finals", for example) I can't go to sleep. And sometimes I can't go to sleep for no reason at all.

Like now.
I'm so mind-bogglingly physically tired, but my mind won't let me sleep.

And to add insult to insomnia, this won't post on Semagic. I have to go into the actual LJ "update journal" page because I have my computer backdated to September something to skirt around the fact that I've used up the entire free trial period on this icon program I really like and the LJ client posts to the date and time of my computer clock. But I suppose I'm glad it didn't post, or I'd never have figured out what I was talking about if I came back to read it later and thought it was from September.
And, of course, plain old LJ does the same thing. I guess I'm going to have to change my clock if I want this posted. And I've spent way too-fucking-much time on this post to not.

(no subject)

Well, shit.  The icon program doesn't work anymore.  That bites.

On a slightly higher note, before I go to bed, I bought the Wicked soundtrack this friday.  And finished the book (it only took me a few days, I was surprised).  And have the best songs memorized already.  I've got distinct favorites, like any album.  Basically, my favorites are the ones with Galinda and Elphaba singing together.  "What is This Feeling?" and "Defying Gravity" especially, the former because of how it sounds like they turn each other on, and the latter because it's pretty and lovey and all sad like.  And I saw the attraction from the first page of their interaction in the book.
I'm a real hypocrite, with all this talk about love and then saying how I don't believe in it, then more talk on love.  But it's nothing more than fiction.
I'm living in fiction.  Because it's so much better than the real world.  Than my world.

Idina/Kristin

And... I'm slashing real people again.  I cut off the bottom of the picture, it's really weird.  For some reason, that shot makes Idina's dress look weird around her waist.

The caption is on the picture because I felt like putting it there, the words are fuzzy near the top, but they're figure-out-able.  

(no subject)

w00t!  New iconage!