commotiocordis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
commotiocordis) wrote2007-02-13 01:02 am
commotiocordis) wrote2007-02-13 01:02 am
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Continuing to fill up your flists.
Wrote a paper last night. We needed external sources for it, though, and I couldn't find any that would work. So I spent hours searching for the sources thinking that I should play my paper to the sources seeing as how there were so few/no useful ones, thus needing the sources first, instead of just writing the paper, finding crappy sources, and quoting them with total throwaway lines that were already in my paper and don't really say anything hugely meaningful. And I spent a long time looking. Obscure Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories are hard to find literary criticism on. I actually started looking for stuff a little before I went to work, more when I got back (though I was doing other things at the same time, I was at least looking), and then for several hours. Just counting the time when I finally forced myself away from everything else to focus completely on the source finding, I figure I spent a good 3 hours just trying to find things to cite. So. With the source finding, I ended up not finishing it by 6:30 Monday morning (meaning when I've got to stop doing whatever and get dressed and catch the bus) and as such spent most of my class time/lunch all day writing down the last two paragraphs. I was supposed to type them up and send them to the teacher right after school, but then my brother ran in the house to beat me onto the computer and I was too tired to fight with him and fell asleep before he got off. So I'm going to tell her that and send it to her nowish (I still haven't actually typed it, I only just remembered I needed to a few minutes ago) hope she doesn't decide to give me a zero. Hopefully I'll be okay, because my stomach is still all with the urghy lately and I've not quite gotten over whatever it was, meaning sleep is needed like whoa, and she seems to like me.
So yeah. Got home, slept for close to four hours, sister woke me up. Twas niceish, though, because she woke me up to ask me if I wanted to watch Heroes because it was about to start. Couldn't get back to sleep, though, which made me sad. I actually did get about an hour last night, because I realized that I wasn't working on my paper very strongly and decided to get a little bit of sleep and resume working on it even harder (because of the less time as a result of the sleeping) rather than semi-work all night and get no sleep at all. But I'm pretty tired right now, and I've still got a lot to do. With all the sick I've been having lately, I'm so behind it isn't even funny. I'm just trying to get the work done that's due each day and I haven't had time to work on the stuff that's late at all. I'm doing really poorly in all my classes because of it and it's making me miserable, because I've got bad grades and so much work to do, which makes me feel all depressed and bad, which makes me feel up to doing even less work. But I'm dropping calc as a credit course and just auditing it, so I don't have to worry about my miserable grade in there anymore at least.
I don't know what's up with me now. I'm completely avoiding doing all work. Not just procrastinating--I'm not doing it. I've completely given up, and because I don't feel all miserable particularly right now (though my hugely miserable is on a different scale than other people's), I can't figure out why. If I was all hugely depressed and not doing my work, I'd get it. And though I am slightly depressed right now, it's not to the point where it normally begins to impede my functioning this much. I get physically ill when thinking about all the work I have to do/should have done, which just sounds like stress, but I make it worse by then not doing it. You know, come to think of it, this is really just a continuation of my procrastination thing. When I'm not doing the work, I'm usually not thinking about it, meaning that I don't feel all stressed and sick. I used to put it off until the last possible minute because I was avoiding the physical symptoms that come as a result of realizing how much shit I've got to do. (Of course, just doing it immediately and then not having the intermittent stress every time I remember what I've got to do/think about it would be much smarter, but my body doesn't know that and just wants to avoid the pain for as long as possible.) I've moved beyond that to just not doing anything. And I hate it, because I know that not doing it makes it worse because I'm agonizing over not doing it, but my dumb brain wants to avoid whatever is causing the anxiousness for as long as possible, and I've just moved from as long as possible to never.
Defense mechanisms. I'm full of them. I kinda hate my brain.
Especially because it lets me sit here and type things and angst for 2.5 hours when I've still got all this work that I could be doing. *headdesk*
Wrote a paper last night. We needed external sources for it, though, and I couldn't find any that would work. So I spent hours searching for the sources thinking that I should play my paper to the sources seeing as how there were so few/no useful ones, thus needing the sources first, instead of just writing the paper, finding crappy sources, and quoting them with total throwaway lines that were already in my paper and don't really say anything hugely meaningful. And I spent a long time looking. Obscure Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories are hard to find literary criticism on. I actually started looking for stuff a little before I went to work, more when I got back (though I was doing other things at the same time, I was at least looking), and then for several hours. Just counting the time when I finally forced myself away from everything else to focus completely on the source finding, I figure I spent a good 3 hours just trying to find things to cite. So. With the source finding, I ended up not finishing it by 6:30 Monday morning (meaning when I've got to stop doing whatever and get dressed and catch the bus) and as such spent most of my class time/lunch all day writing down the last two paragraphs. I was supposed to type them up and send them to the teacher right after school, but then my brother ran in the house to beat me onto the computer and I was too tired to fight with him and fell asleep before he got off. So I'm going to tell her that and send it to her nowish (I still haven't actually typed it, I only just remembered I needed to a few minutes ago) hope she doesn't decide to give me a zero. Hopefully I'll be okay, because my stomach is still all with the urghy lately and I've not quite gotten over whatever it was, meaning sleep is needed like whoa, and she seems to like me.
So yeah. Got home, slept for close to four hours, sister woke me up. Twas niceish, though, because she woke me up to ask me if I wanted to watch Heroes because it was about to start. Couldn't get back to sleep, though, which made me sad. I actually did get about an hour last night, because I realized that I wasn't working on my paper very strongly and decided to get a little bit of sleep and resume working on it even harder (because of the less time as a result of the sleeping) rather than semi-work all night and get no sleep at all. But I'm pretty tired right now, and I've still got a lot to do. With all the sick I've been having lately, I'm so behind it isn't even funny. I'm just trying to get the work done that's due each day and I haven't had time to work on the stuff that's late at all. I'm doing really poorly in all my classes because of it and it's making me miserable, because I've got bad grades and so much work to do, which makes me feel all depressed and bad, which makes me feel up to doing even less work. But I'm dropping calc as a credit course and just auditing it, so I don't have to worry about my miserable grade in there anymore at least.
I don't know what's up with me now. I'm completely avoiding doing all work. Not just procrastinating--I'm not doing it. I've completely given up, and because I don't feel all miserable particularly right now (though my hugely miserable is on a different scale than other people's), I can't figure out why. If I was all hugely depressed and not doing my work, I'd get it. And though I am slightly depressed right now, it's not to the point where it normally begins to impede my functioning this much. I get physically ill when thinking about all the work I have to do/should have done, which just sounds like stress, but I make it worse by then not doing it. You know, come to think of it, this is really just a continuation of my procrastination thing. When I'm not doing the work, I'm usually not thinking about it, meaning that I don't feel all stressed and sick. I used to put it off until the last possible minute because I was avoiding the physical symptoms that come as a result of realizing how much shit I've got to do. (Of course, just doing it immediately and then not having the intermittent stress every time I remember what I've got to do/think about it would be much smarter, but my body doesn't know that and just wants to avoid the pain for as long as possible.) I've moved beyond that to just not doing anything. And I hate it, because I know that not doing it makes it worse because I'm agonizing over not doing it, but my dumb brain wants to avoid whatever is causing the anxiousness for as long as possible, and I've just moved from as long as possible to never.
Defense mechanisms. I'm full of them. I kinda hate my brain.
Especially because it lets me sit here and type things and angst for 2.5 hours when I've still got all this work that I could be doing. *headdesk*