commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Good things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. My GPA will go up considerably


Bad things that will happen if I take anatomy again this summer
  1. I have school straight through the entire summer, from this Monday to August.

  2. I have to pay $1000+ for the anatomy class

  3. I have to take the 3x more expensive (and super speedy, which could be bad) orgo class to fit it in

  4. I have to get an A in it or it doesn't improve my GPA enough to have wasted the money


BUT THE FIRST ONE IS SO IMPORTANT WHAT DO I DO.

I think I know the answer, though. I can't afford it, and I'd feel bad asking my parents to pay $4000 for summer tuition. But on the other hand, getting into med school eventually vs not getting into med school. And if this were to, you know, help me become a doctor, it would be a good financial investment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL AND MAKING DECISIONS AND BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.


I'm so frustrated that by having my little freakout and getting on the medicine that made me pretty much non-functional (feeling better, btw. Side effects still killer, but at least not brainfog; anxiety still bad, but depression maybe a little better? Just realized this is the expected week for Alexandria's Requisite Monthly Suicidal Crisis and things are only slightly worse than baseline, so holy shit yessss), I've now stretched out my classes. I've got two finals tomorrow I haven't prepared at all for because I've been worried about making arrangements for the molecular biology class I missed a paper and two tests for; arrangements should be put in place by this afternoon, but I don't know when I'll be able to make up the work (when they will be here, when I will be here). I'd like to be able to do it in the next three weeks because I'll be down here taking another class (Forensic Child Psychology, which I'm hoping will be interesting), but who knows how much work I'll have for that class? I feel like I'm going to have to give them an ETA when I meet with the teachers this afternoon on when I want to take the two tests and turn in the paper, but until I know what's going to happen in the summer class, I don't really want to say.

Basically, Roommate came home all "KJASDLFKJASLDFKJASDKFJ I'M DONE OH MY GOD BEST EVER" and now I'm like "fuck. Why couldn't you have just pushed through it; you'd be done and not have to worry about this class anymore." Even though I know I couldn't have because I was so scatterbrained, and alternatingly super anxious and sedated, and basically worthless for pretty much two weeks, because I'm not feeling it now, it's hard to sympathize with past me. (I'm making perfect sense; you're just not keeping up.)
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
Re: my final tomorrow. I'm just going to tell my professor that I can't take it yet; I've missed all but maybe 3 lectures for it, so it's going to take me a little while to catch up.

That sounds much more confident than I actually am.

I'm still terrified she's going to say no, and tell me to either take it now or get a zero. (I'd probably not get much above a zero were I to take it, so it's not much of a choice.) I should have emailed her and made an appointment to come in, because she did eventually pretty much offer to work out an arrangement to give me an Incomplete, but . . . yeah, I have no excuse for that except that talking to teachers triggers every bit of social anxiety and panic disorder in my body.

Fuck.

I really should start studying now anyway so I can take the test ~eventually (I'd like to get it done this week), but I'm freaking out too much about having to talk to my teachers. I know if I look at even just how much material I have to learn, I'll flip straight into panic attack mode.

The cure for this is mindless TV and knitting, and just taking it one stressful thing at a time. Talking to them now, test sometime in the future.

But at some point, I'm going to have to pussy up and stop coping with things that way, because hell, I'm putting off making arrangements to put things off, and that's obviously Really Quite Wrong.
commotiocordis: (DS9)
This is Another Whiny Post.


You know what sucks? Invisible disabilities.

I mean obviously, but I was just thinking about what it's going to be like when I have to tell my parents that I lost my scholarship. I'm probably not going to get screamed at, but worse IMO, just disapproving looks and talk about how I should have tried harder and how they can't believe I've squandered this opportunity.

It's such a fucking struggle for me to try to accept the fact that some of my screw-upedness might not always be because I'm not good enough, and that maybe some of it is beyond my control, and them reinforcing the fact that This Wouldn't Have Happened If I'd Just Tried Harder will be seriously not helpful.

Because 99% of me 99% of the time is positive that they're right. And either way, whether I don't try or I can't try, it boils down to the same thing: I'm just not good enough.
commotiocordis: (RDJude)
We got so much less snow than even the little we were predicted that school hasn't even bothered to post their usual mocking banner on the site that says
"We know some people have school canceled BUT NOT YOU MUAHAHAHAHAHA."

AGH THIS IS TWICE ALREADY THIS YEAR that pretty much every school everywhere is closed while there somehow manages to be a giant weather-hole around mine. (I'll concede that cancellation isn't deserved today, but I almost lost my car to a telephone pole just trying to get out of my neighborhood last time they didn't call it off, so I'm a trifle wary.)

SCHOOL WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO US.  Nefarious plot to steal our tuition money and then make us so miserable (and/or dead from driving on roads that apparently the city can't be arsed to plow) that we drop out I SEE WHAT UR DOING HERE.

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