Jan. 28th, 2010

commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (BoP)
You know what bothers me? The fact that I've never really been good at anything.

Ironic!LOL, Alexandria's melancholy when she's 28 hours from failing an organic chemistry test she can't get her stupid ass to study for and has slept weirdly (and by weird, I mean in 2 hour bursts with a very low total hour count) all week. It's 5am, which is probably the reason, though I've never found myself unable to allow the slightest stimuli to throw me into ". . . I fail" mode no matter what time of the day it is.

Wherein I mope and act all juvenile and emo while espousing how I fail. )
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
You know what bothers me? The fact that I've never really been good at anything.

Ironic!LOL, Alexandria's melancholy when she's 28 hours from failing an organic chemistry test she can't get her stupid ass to study for and has slept weirdly (and by weird, I mean in 2 hour bursts with a very low total hour count) all week. It's 5am, which is probably the reason, though I've never found myself unable to allow the slightest stimuli to throw me into ". . . I fail" mode no matter what time of the day it is.

Wherein I mope and act all juvenile and emo while espousing how I fail. )
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
To summarize that last ranttastic emo post, because tl;dr--I'm half-decent at everything, so I never get told I'm good at anything.

But because self-centeredness is to be punished, the universe decides to cow me quite spectacularly.

Got an email from my mom a minute ago. Basically, my dad's had swollen lymph nodes and lately trouble swallowing and pain, and just recently was coughing up a massive amount of blood. Went to the doctor, who sent him to an ENT specialist, who is sending him to (I presume from mom's tone, though she didn't actually specify) an oncologist.

So I feel even more like shit, because now it feels like I spent all morning being really, really undeservedly whiny. I mean, STFU, Alexandria, your dad's probably got fucking cancer. We don't care that you feel like your life sucks and nobody appreciates you, suck it fucking up; at least you don't have an oncologist's appointment this week.

Obviously, I'm jumping to the worst-case scenario, but it looks bad. Made even more bad-looking by how my mom tacked on to the end "By the way, this is more than your siblings know," meaning "Don't tell them," meaning "Oh, shit." But LOL, perfect example of how even my family knows what a heartless bitch I am--"don't tell the kids because they might get upset, but here's a medical puzzle for Alexandria!"

The worst part is that she's absolutely right. My first thought was "Ooh, glad I didn't sell back my oncology textbook!" Fail.

Idk, it's made so much worse by the fact that I'm not there. When I first came down to college, it was sort of the same thing--his diabetes had been under really great control, but what that means to an endocrinologist is that you aren't going into high blood glucose ranges at all, which makes lows more common. And though highs are what kill uncontrolled diabetics over time, lows kill you overnight or when you pass out at the wheel or something like that, and having been in the car where that almost fucking happened, I was really uncomfortable leaving. Same thing here--I mean, I'm not in tears with anxiety or anything, but I'm much more concerned sitting here getting the second hand information than I would be if I were home and could make him let me go to the onc with him (as I often do when somebody in the fam goes to the doctor for something being wrong, since became the medical expert in the family when I was very young) and get the info told to me as if I were a doctor rather than (I say this with all affection) dumbed down for my parents and telephone-chained to me.

THAT IS ALL. Didn't pay attention and made way too much food and still absently ate it anyway, so my stomach hurts and I'm tired and my laptop charger is all but totally not working, so I'm 42% on the tablet and (hopefully) 100% on Tosh away from being totally computerless. Gah, the shitstorm, when it hits . . . .
commotiocordis: Green on black, an animated depiction of a normal heart rhythm on an ECG monitor. (Default)
To summarize that last ranttastic emo post, because tl;dr--I'm half-decent at everything, so I never get told I'm good at anything.

But because self-centeredness is to be punished, the universe decides to cow me quite spectacularly.

Got an email from my mom a minute ago. Basically, my dad's had swollen lymph nodes and lately trouble swallowing and pain, and just recently was coughing up a massive amount of blood. Went to the doctor, who sent him to an ENT specialist, who is sending him to (I presume from mom's tone, though she didn't actually specify) an oncologist.

So I feel even more like shit, because now it feels like I spent all morning being really, really undeservedly whiny. I mean, STFU, Alexandria, your dad's probably got fucking cancer. We don't care that you feel like your life sucks and nobody appreciates you, suck it fucking up; at least you don't have an oncologist's appointment this week.

Obviously, I'm jumping to the worst-case scenario, but it looks bad. Made even more bad-looking by how my mom tacked on to the end "By the way, this is more than your siblings know," meaning "Don't tell them," meaning "Oh, shit." But LOL, perfect example of how even my family knows what a heartless bitch I am--"don't tell the kids because they might get upset, but here's a medical puzzle for Alexandria!"

The worst part is that she's absolutely right. My first thought was "Ooh, glad I didn't sell back my oncology textbook!" Fail.

Idk, it's made so much worse by the fact that I'm not there. When I first came down to college, it was sort of the same thing--his diabetes had been under really great control, but what that means to an endocrinologist is that you aren't going into high blood glucose ranges at all, which makes lows more common. And though highs are what kill uncontrolled diabetics over time, lows kill you overnight or when you pass out at the wheel or something like that, and having been in the car where that almost fucking happened, I was really uncomfortable leaving. Same thing here--I mean, I'm not in tears with anxiety or anything, but I'm much more concerned sitting here getting the second hand information than I would be if I were home and could make him let me go to the onc with him (as I often do when somebody in the fam goes to the doctor for something being wrong, since became the medical expert in the family when I was very young) and get the info told to me as if I were a doctor rather than (I say this with all affection) dumbed down for my parents and telephone-chained to me.

THAT IS ALL. Didn't pay attention and made way too much food and still absently ate it anyway, so my stomach hurts and I'm tired and my laptop charger is all but totally not working, so I'm 42% on the tablet and (hopefully) 100% on Tosh away from being totally computerless. Gah, the shitstorm, when it hits . . . .

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